Friday, May 1, 2015

Please Explain to Me How Manny Pacquiao Will Survive This Fight

I want Manny to win.  And for his sake, I wish this fight wasn't happening.

In a perfect world boxing would suspend Mayweather for his numerous domestic battery transgressions, but as it turns out, people don't care that man who gets paid to beat up up people.  So since Vegas knows its not bad for business, he remains unpunished.

UNLESS Manny can put a 1 to the right of that 47. this is unlikely...  

Here's the problem:  I can't say with any amount of confidence that Manny will literally survive the fight.

Boxing is a brutal sport and Money May is its final boss + King Joffrey all rolled into one.

So the question isn't will Manny win.  He won't. The question is will Floyd rip his head off.  Let's examine the evidence.

Floyd  says things like "Nobody can beat me.  There is no way to beat me."
Manny says things like “I am not only working for myself, but I work to help other people and to be an inspiration.

 Chance of Survival: He'll get his ass whooped but he'll survive.

Manny waves to his fans.

Floyd waves one.  

Seriously google floyd mayweather waving and you'll get nothing.
Chance of survival:  Honestly if I'm just going on these two pics its like 30/70 he survives.  But the degree of ass-whooptitude jumps up about 300%.

Manny has a secret soup that he eats. 

Floyd bathes in liquid nitrogen like a goddamn supervillain. 

goodbye Manny :(

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Courtney Stodden has a sex tape...

*"Courtney" is a way of life. A mentality.
...because all Courtneys* gonna Courtney.

Now if you're a normal well adjusted human being you probably said "who?"  upon reading the headline.  And for that I say bravo.  But if you're like me, you realize that Courtney Stodden...the chick that married the dude from Lost and everyone freaked out because he was 51 and she was an American hero.  You see this is the kind of heartwarming sextape that has the potential to bridge any divide.  We need this.  So thank your Courtney, your work and your journey will not go unrecognized for as long as I draw breath.

I think things with her off again on again husband are currently on but I'm still wondering who this sex tape is with.  Honestly it doesn't matter.  Courtney Stodden has a sex tape people.  So do your part!  Spread the good word!  Maybe send out a tweet or something.  It's only fair that we stop ignoring her for a few hours.

Update:  Turns's by herself...because...OF COURSE IT IS. Ugh...

Leave it to Courtney Stodden to shit the bed running the tried and true release-a-sex-tape-to-regain-relevance playbook.  My goodness.  I hope this goes straight to porntube. 

Well needless to say I want no part of this "sex" tape but I'm glad it exists.  Plus it probably expedites the timetable for our inevitable march towards a Speidi adult flick.  But as far as this garbage, welp, clears throat "different strokes for different folks."

Sunday, April 26, 2015

LeBron James' New Mask Brings Out the Best In Michael Beasley

Editors note:  I may be MIA, but I write things all the time, I just seldom finish and post them.  That's been bugging me.  So for the next few week I'll be cranking out a bunch of posts to get the juices flowing or whatever it is we do around here.  So let's do it.

Meet Michael Beasley.

Michael Beasley is the best.  Not at, his profession...the thing he should be good at.  No, Michael Beasley is just the best at being Michael Beasley and honestly that's enough for me.

Just to get you caught up.  Last season LeBron James broke his nose and needed to wear a mask for a few games.

I got this from an ESPN article.  You can find the full text here.

The mask left teammates searching for creative ways to describe what they saw.

"I think he played like Batman out there," center Chris Bosh said. "I think it really helped him out. He played great."

Bosh was then interrupted in the middle of his session with reporters by forward Michael Beasley, whose locker is a few spots away.

"How you know what Batman plays like?" he shouted toward Bosh. "How does he play?"

YES!  Leave it to Michael Beasley to #WellActually Chris Bosh.  To be clear, Michael Beasley should NEVER, EVER, be the voice of reason, but on February 27th, 2014 that was the case.  Unfortunately, we never got  answers to Beasley's questions as just one day later the NBA asked LeBron to wear a clear mask.  Why?  Because obviously he was the hero gotham deserved...but not the one it needed...

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Super Bowl Party People That Suck

Best Patriots Player and All-American Smugfest Tom Brady
The Super Bowl is today so obviously this is a very stressful time for me.  I don't know how, but every year I find myself in a very me against the world situation wherein one team must lose in order for me to go on about my other 364 days of the year unburdened.  You see, the patriots are arrogant (see pic), self-righteous (see pic), douche bags (see pic) and I don't want to give them the satisfaction of being able to gloat post deflategate.  And trust me, WE WILL NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT IF THEY WIN THIS GAME (look at that hat, he's lost his last 2 superbowls and yet...that hat).  That right there should be enough to unite us all under the Seahawk's banner for one game.  ANYWAY, that is not the point of this post.  The point is this:  Somewhere in the last 10 years it became too stressful for me to watch the Super Bowl with other people.

So I'm doing it guys....I'm retiring from Super Bowl parties.  The harsh reality is that super bowls give people licenses to be assholes.  I wanna enjoy the game, not navigate a sea of faux pas and unwritten rules. The more I think about it maybe assholes is a strong word, but it certainly brings out a class of people that I don't care for.  So look out for/ try not to be these people today.

The "I'm just here for the commercials so ShhHHHhHH!!!" person

You can realistically shush in two places without consequence.  The movie theater, and an elementary school.  That's it.  Although people have been turning up in movie theaters lately, so maybe play that one by ear.  Honestly it's not a good business decision to shush people you don't know.  I'm pretty sure "Shhhh" has been at least one person's last words ...Anyway that's why when people shush you they almost immediately apologize afterwards.  In all seriousness, if football isn't you're thing, that's fine.  But don't shit up the mood so you can watch commercials.  You can do that literally do that all fucking year.

The "Any cheer for your team directly attacks me" person

This one really doesn't make any sense.  You're not on the team payroll.  No one in the organization knows you exist.  No one on the team is gonna stick up for you...EVER.  So it's not personal.  You want your team to win, and so do they.  No tears Tom.  Woo-sah...  


Yes we're back to commercials, and honestly, that's a big reason why super bowl parties suck.  If I'm watching, its not for the commercials, its for the game, so when someone watches the commercials beforehand, then complains that they're the same commercials they watched days earlier, its like then why did you come!? Stay home and complain to bae.  Or don't watch the commercials before.  Or watch the commercials before and shut the hell up.  I don't care!

I swear I'm not a crazy or mean person.  I promise guys.  Let me know if you run into any of these people tomorrow or nah.  Enjoy the game.  Go hawks!

Friday, January 30, 2015

DeMarcus Cousins Laughs Best Via Instagram

As of this posting, DeMarcus is still a free man.  So I guess....

We did it!

You don’t typically associate patience and poise with DeMarcus Cousins,

Still never lost site of January 30th, 2015.
but everyone has to start somewhere.  Apparently that start was five years ago.  Consider that a man named "Boogie" waited 1,826 days for this. moment.  As Randiesel said this morning, “THIS IS WHY I LOVE THE NBA. This reason. nothing to do with the game, but this.”  I couldn’t agree more.  But in fairness to Clay, there’s still an hour or so left…

Monday, September 29, 2014

Der-ek Je-ter *boom* *boom* *boom-boom-boom*

Derek Jeter is very good at the game of baseball.

+ he's also pretty funny.

It sucks that he's not playing anymore.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

The First Line of Jay Z's "Holy Grail" Confuses Me

One of the hottest songs of the summer still confuses me so yesterday I decided to shoot Randiesel an email hoping he could clear things up for me.

This is Hov's first line of Holy Grail:

I still think the youtube video was hotter than the whole album but we'll get to that later this week.
Blue told me remind you n*ggas,F*ck that sh*t y'all talkin' bout, I'm the n*gga

(note: for the uninitiated, Blue is Jay's daughter.  She's 22 months old.)

Simple enough right? Wrong.  That shit is cryptic as hell.

Here are my questions:

1.  Did blue tell him to remind us about something then he's like "f*ck that shit, i'm the n*gga"  --- essentially saying, f*ck whatever blue told him to remind us about because he's in charge.  like is he dissing blue?

2.  Is Blue aware of all the other n*ggas running around (thinking they are the king of new york etc) and she's like, no jay, f*ck all that sh*t, you're that n*gga.  If so, blue is incredibly advanced as i believe i was blissfully unaware of the status of my father at that age.

3.  Getting back to number one, maybe it's not a direct diss of blue, but just as he's about to remind us what blue is telling he says "f*ck that sh*t."  that's a fact.  so whatever blue told him he's officially off that.  then he decides to declare he's that n*gga.

Randiesel's response:

1. I don't think Jay is dissing blue. that would be crazy, a father daughter diss track. And blue can't even defend herself!!! I feel like he's saying like when he says "f*ck that shit i'm the n*gga", he's saying.... you right blue good call. I mean if i could influence one line in Jay's song that's a win.

2. I think blue is the most aware. I could see her in Jays ear all day, talking about (Lance) Kendricks (Perkins) Lamar, A$AP Rocky, etc. I feel like she is real critical of other rappers out there right now, and is pretty upset with hip hop in general. I wonder what her thoughts on Yeezus were?

3. Whoa, i see what you did there, you right. Maybe he's like, wow, even blue questioning me? I don't know. And it's like, I feel like beyonce's gotta be in blue's ear saying like "don't disturb jay in the studio". I feel like blue ruined studio time for this one.

4. When jay is like "but look what that did to Hammer" and "look what that did to tyson".... like is he taking free shots? No one is like...hey man lay off hammer, hey lay off tyson. Like these dudes have been through a lot. I feel like jay is the floyd money mayweather of rappers. he's taking shots at guys he know he can beat. like hammer's not gonna bounce back and create a jay diss track. well played jay, get your guaranteed money

[Editors note:  This isn't the first time Jay's gone after Hammer either (see So Appalled), but props to Hammer for not taking it lying down.]

5. I'll leave it at this, this is safe for work.

Alright...that's all I got for today.  The Hiatus is over.  New season of the blog starts this week. I'm out!

Saturday, July 27, 2013

July 27th, 2012 - The Day I Realized I Was Too Fat

About a year ago a girl broke up with me.  It was pretty rough, because I was pretty sure I was going to marry this girl.  She seemed perfect.  She was was smart, laughed at my jokes, was gorgeous and played along with all my bits.  Then one day I asked her to dinner and she she said she couldn't because she was going to dinner with this other guy. UMM, NO...No you're not.  We're dating.  To which she then assured me we weren't 0_o and that we were just friends + she didn't see it going anywhere else.  I won't really get into details, because I wrote another really butthurt bitter post which I later deleted.  Point being.  I came to a realization that night.

I always knew I was funny.  That was always my crutch.  That was my go to move, my Dirk one-leg-up jumper, my LL Cool J lip licking, my Taylor Swift breakup anthem writing.  At the very least, people would hang around me because they wanted to laugh.  Outside of that, I never really felt like I had that much to offer.

Especially not to girls.  Fortunately, I was smart enough to play to my strengths, but the way I looked just started to become too much to overlook.

I think what made it so difficult is that food was kind of always there for me.  Food was my best friend, my confidant, and my rock.  My parents don't understand that my first love isn't working for some company for 50 years and then retiring.  In my heart I feel like I have so much to offer the world and maybe 3% of that is making planes at Boeing.  I want to work with Tina Fey.  I want to write, I want to make people laugh.  I want to inform. Believe me when I say that I need to spend time working as a sports reporter and a news anchor before I die.  I want to be in front of people and changing the world.

But looking back I think I mostly wanted (want?) to be accepted.  Food always accepted me.

As I get older, I look around and everybody is pairing off. You know in high school when you have to find a partner for a project and everyone kind of already knows who they want to work with? So you ask this girl and fuck, she's already working with Steve, so you wait for the class to pair up and see who doesn't have a partner...It's a very disheartening process and it's happening right now. People are getting engaged, having babies,  and highjacking holidays on facebook with their announcements; sometimes its just too much.

Remember in college when all of your friends are five minutes away and you can always pop in?  Well it's the exact opposite of that now.  I feel like there was this mass exodus and I'm right at the center of it.  My closest friends live at least 1500 miles away.  My friends here are pretty much all in serious relationships and living these incredibly domestic lifestyles. Meanwhile, I'm alone, at home, with food.

Have a bad day, go to jack in the box at 2 AM and that'll fix it (800 calories).  No one wants to hang?  Maybe go catch a movie by yourself and swing by burger king after (1000 calories).

So fast forward to when I finally find a girl I could see myself marrying, (ok) that's in St. Louis (OKAY!), that apparently enjoys my company (LET'S GO!), but just wants to be friends.  That was the last straw.  I felt broken and discarded and I knew I never wanted to feel that way again.

July 27th, 2012

As bitter as I was, it's what I needed to get me to July 27th.  That's the day I finally worked up the courage to step on a scale.  I knew I was big, I knew I was overweight, but I was thinking I was somewhere in the range of 240-260.  That's pretty much where I've always been since adulthood.  So I hopped on the scale.  I looked down and all I felt was devastation, in it's its purest, most concentrated form. 

I was 290 pounds.  I was 26 years old.

I was more scared than ashamed.  More alarmed than upset.  I felt like I couldn't breath.  I think I was having a panic attack; I didn't want to be 300 pounds.  300 pounds AND alone forever.  The more I think about it, I'm not so sure I wanted to marry that girl.  I think I just wanted to NOT be alone forever.  Anyway, I have so many dreams and desires and I still want to host SNL.  I thought, how am I going to do that looking like this? 

Here's the thing about losing weight.  It sucks, and it takes a really long time.  I get why it's something a lot of people want to do, but struggle to stay dedicated to.  It reminds me of a video that Randy sent me a while back which basically illustrated the idea of just "wanting something so badly that you're consumed by it."  You want it to the point where that's it.  That's all you want.  There's nothing else you want more.  And that's where I was with losing weight

So I started by reducing my calories consumed.  I googled just how many calories I needed to get by.  It looked like 800.  Sounded good to me.  (I came to find out much later that I was putting an incredible strain on my body and men should never consumer less than 1500 calories a day)  I guess I should take a step back and show you what I was eating.


2 Sausage Biscuits (830 calories)

1 Hashbrown (215 calories)

2 cups of OJ (240 calories)


Cheeseburger (450 calories)

Fries (450 calories)

Soda/ Juice (200 calories)


2 Chicken Sandwiches (800 calories)

Fries (400 calories)

Powerade (180 calories)


Pre-sleep snack! (yes, definitely going to need something to get me through this vigorous sleeping I'm about to partake in)

Donut (300 calories)

Glass of Milk (100 calories)

That's over 4,000 calories a day fam.  That's mad unsustainable.

Sidebar: Crazy thing is, it's not a lot of food, (ok the donut is taking a bit far) but it's cheap and calorically rich.  It helps explain how people can live in poverty and also be overweight. End Sidebar.

It was tough, because on my new diet, I was HUNGRY.  Like I imagine I was dealing with the same kind of impulses that Justin Beiber has when he sees there's a perfectly piss free bucket in a restaurant.  Regardless, I ditched the fast food and snacks cold turkey, (now eat a lot of grilled chicken.)  I actually started working out, (3-4 times a week)  and then the pounds started to shed.  I'll never forget about three weeks after dieting I was down to 278.  That was pretty much my proudest day.  I knew I was on the right track.  Sure no one could tell, but I mean, who can blame them? Fat is fat.  But I knew.  I knew that if I kept it up and stayed focused and wanted it more than anything else I could turn my life around.

July 27th, 2013 

As of this morning I'm at 196.  I'm hoping to lose about 13 more pounds, but that's it.  I'm not meant to be a super skinny guy.  I just want to be healthy. The past year has been really hard, but I want to thank my friends for being incredibly supportive.  I love you guys.  All the comments and encouragement have meant the world to me.
 I'm back.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Game 7 Burning Questions

The big game is tonight.  Heat vs. Spurs in game 7 of the 2013 NBA Finals.  I've got some questions.  

How many minutes will LeBron’s headband see?
Set the over / under at 25 minutes.

Whose game will it be?
LeBron fingerprint game, D-Wade wake up game, Manu Wake-up game, bench blow up game, Tim Duncan Legacy game?  I’m not sure.  I’m guessing the rare LeBron *takeover*  game (38-8-5) coupled with a big heat three.  Whether it’s Mike “I may look like a racist, but I’m not” Miller, 2k13 Ray Allen, or Chalmers.  It sure ain’t gonna be Bosh.  He'll be happy as long as he can do this:

What N the Hell Chris? SMH...

Will the Birdman soar?
Best nickname to talent ratio in the entirety of team sports.

Taking a break from the rigors of the "birdbox." *The birdbox is his "office." It's basically just any area a foot or less from the basket.
If Spoelstra wins two titles is he a good coach?
Or the more troubling question:  Are you prepared to live in a world where Udonis Haslem has three rings?

Does Danny Green matter ever again in life after game 7?

You're right that was a stupid question.

Did Juwan Howard sleep at all last night?
This will be by far his most pressure packed night of standing, clapping, high fiving, towel waving etc.

This gotta be photoshop right?
How obnoxious will my tweets and fb posts be if LeBron wins “not one”?

How obnoxious will the tweets and fb posts of LeBron haters be if he loses “not one”?

Equally obnoxious, choose your side.  Enjoy the game.  I'm out.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Will Ferrell & Jimmy Fallon Get Intense

I forgot to post this a while back, but I was sifting through my drafts and I thought you might still enjoy it.  Jimmy likes to do bits/ games with his guests and this time he teamed up with Will Ferrell to put a more "intense" spin on the traditional late night interview.  It's only two minutes and you'll be happy you watched.  Later.