Friday, December 30, 2011

My Favorite Things of 2011 Part 1

I'm not gonna front and pretend like 2011 was my year.  I'm living at home.  My year, it was not.  However, 2011 introduced me to a bevy of wonderful things and I've decided to compile them here.  In no particular order, these are the things I loved the most in 2011.

Everything Must Go (2010) - Great movie.  I love Will Ferrell playing serious, but still being hilarious.  His facial expressions in this movie are classic.  But my favorite part of this movie is the bond Ferrell's character forms with the kid Kenny.  The two are such an unlikely duo, and yet they form a friendship that comes off as entirely genuinely because of their incredibly on screen chemistry.  Watch this movie! 


Breaking Bad (Season 4) -Probably the best season of any show I’ve seen start to finish.  All of the pieces fit so well together.  Even when it seemed like things weren’t going anywhere each episode gave me a feeling of completeness, and then the payoff down the home stretch was phenomenal.  If you haven’t watched this, get caught up of Netflix, and watch the best television has to offer.   I’ve never watched an actor and thought to myself, wow, he has to win the golden globe until this season's episode "Crawl Space."

 


Big Brother - I love this show.  I really need to finish filling out my application, but this season was a lot of fun.  I got a little too worked up, and fell in love with Danielle.  Still hate Kalia, Rachel, and Brendan though.  The only thing that would have made this season better is if Dick would have stuck around.





Born This Way - Gaga’s 3rd Album saw her musical style continue to evolve.  It’s definitely a deviation from her first two efforts, and it probably alienated the people who only wanted to hear poker face 2.0 or a Bad Romance "spinoff."  I'm glad she changed it up, and I loved the album.  Highway Unicorn, Judas, Bloody Mary, Born This Way, Heavy Metal Lover, and You & I couldn't be more different, and they all rocked.  If you're curious, I wrote about Gaga's evolution earlier this year. 



Entourage finale - I'll never understand why it became cool to hate entourage.  I thought the finale was perfect though.  It didn't need to be anything other than just another episode.  A lot of people wanted something mind blowing, but I'm strongly entrenched in the camp that the Seinfeld finale approach is how you end a show.  You don't need to put a tidy bow on everything.  Just put all your characters in a believable spot and say goodbye to the viewer.  I had so much fun spending time with the guys, and Entourage will always be the fastest 30 minutes in television to me.


Super 8 -  JJ Abrams just makes great movies.  Out of all the films I saw this year I was most probably the most impressed by this one.  Mainly because it's tough to make a great PG-13 movie.  You don't have the crutches or free reign of an R rated movie.  I was just completely immersed from start to finish.  Great movie.

 



 
Friendzone - I just started watching this show.  I think it’s fun for me because I can completely identify with the  guys and girls trapped in the friendzone.  I’m looking to go friendzone to endzone with a couple of the girls I’m besties with, so it’s great when it works out for these kids.  However, my guiltiest of guilty pleasures is watching people who have no shot pour their hearts out.  I’m a terrible person I know.  This guy poured his heart out to this girl (pictured left) AFTER he got THAT hug.  He ain't even gettin titties pressed against his chest!! Cmon son!




Marc Maron's WTF podcast - I'm actually listening to this as I write this post.  Marc Maron is a comedian who I had never heard of until he made an appearance on Conan promoting his podcast.  I listened to the Amy Poehler one and I was hooked.  Some standouts for me this year included his interviews with Jimmy Fallon, Conan, Bryan Cranstan, and Jon Hamm.   You should definitely give it a listen, or at least check for when one of your favorite performers is on. I hope he gets Tina Fey, which leads me nicely into my next favorite thing.







Bossypants - Tina Fey finally penned a book about her life and it’s brilliant.  All the sharp witticisms you’d expect from the former head writer of SNL and current star/creator of 30 rock.  Tina talks about her childhood, her fame, work, and social interactions.  It’s a great read, and I found myself literally laughing out loud.







C Milli's cooking dance - LET THE BOY COOK! 


Black Swan - The only movie that I’ve ever been jealous I didn’t write.  It’s a psychological thriller and without ruining anything, it gave me chills when it ended.  The score is fantastic, and Natalie played the hell out of this role and took home the Academy Award for best actress.  I can’t say enough about this movie.  If you haven’t seen it, run to your nearest redbox and get it right now!  It's worth buying if you're a dvd collector.


Katy Perry's titties - These bad boys had a big year.  I believe they’re 34 DDs.  The more I think about it, there's really only one word that fully describes them in my mind.  And Katy is always putting them out there is dangerous situations.  Her tits need an agent, cuz they're hot right now.  Katy had a huge 2011 btw, becoming the first artists since Michael Jackson to have 5 number one hits on an album (California Girls, Teenage Dream, E.T.,  Firework, Last Friday Night)  and I’m fucking pissed that I missed her concert here in St. Louis.  Good news though.  Apparently Katy and Russell are headed towards divorce. He fuckin sucks anyway so good for her.





That bikini top is begging for a friendly quit!

Beyonce's performance of "Love on Top" at the VMAs - I can’t stop listening to Love on top now.  Beyonce always kills at the VMAs, and she did it again.  I love that Adele is mouthing the words, I love Kanye and gaga next to each other jamming out the song, I love the dancers and light work.  It was one of those moments that you can’t help but get sucked in.  Beyonce is the best.



Sunday, December 25, 2011

Merry Christmas!!

The NBA is back!!!  Shaq is joining the NBA on TNT too, so here's a present!

Monday, December 19, 2011

Sunday TV/ Football Rewind

A quick look at Sunday.  And Dexter and Homeland Spoilers so you can skip over that if you're not caught up.

Jimmy Fallon, hosted Saturday Night Live this past weekend, which technically ended on Sunday morning so that's how I'm justifying this, and he killed it.  I mean, dude ripped the stage.  I really liked his songs.  And especially the opening monologue.  Standouts include the 1920s Holiday party, the cold open (with rachel dratch and poehler), the Tebow sketch, the Weekend Update Joke Off (with Amy and Tina), and the Christmas treat song with Sanz, Kattan, and Tracy.  Anyway,  here's a showcase of Jimmy's impression skills.  The man is a genius, and he just seems like a good dude.  Overall, great ep, check it out on hulu.


So Tebow Lost.  Which is great until you realize that it didn't really matter if he won or lost.  He just had to keep it close.   And as it turns out, 18 points is just enough for supporters to pretend like Tebow inspired the Broncos to lose close.  Ain't that some shit.  I guess haters gonna hate, and supporters are gonna talk about how great he played.  *However*, I loved that 29 yard sack Tebow at the end of the game.  Made me feel alive.  Anyway, the networks aren't going to stop covering Tebow because my friend sent me an article, and since the Pats-Broncos game got a 19.2 it appears the people have spoken.  I'm part of the problem too though, because I tuned in to hate. It's the reason why Glee will never go off the air, and there will be more singing and judging shows for years to come.  If we watch it, they'll put it on air.    
The spike was awesome.  Probably because it was so unexpected.  It'd be like if Elmo told someone to eat a dick.

Dexter is over.  And honestly, what was even the point of this past season?  They wasted 9 episodes ripping off fight club and fooling no one.  I used to give the writers the benefit of the doubt, but that's over.  I mean I heard everything from how it would be the darkest, it wasn't.  How it would make Dexter examine religion, it didn't.  Seriously, the religious theme was so poorly implemented that it was largely distracting.  Mos Def's Brother Sam was a breath of fresh air, but unfortunately he didn't make it too far along.  All this season really did was finally, FINALLY, get us to the point where Deb realizes Dexter is a killer.  And that was all I really wanted (end of post, #2).  And not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I think that's a revelation that should be brought out in mid-season rather than being tacked on to the end of a season.  It felt like they thought they needed a cliffhanger to save the season more than anything.  Like a hail mary almost.  But this plot will get plenty of attention next year, so season 7 should bring Dexter back into my good graces.

The Homeland finale wasn't bad, but ultimately it was disappointing because my main concern with homeland was how could the series go beyond one season.  And judging from the finale, the writers don't really know that either.  It feels like Homeland is going to go into typical network hour long drama territory and refuse to kill off characters even when they would greatly serve the plot.  A lot of people think Heroes might have survived had it not become so attached to it's season 1 cast, and restarted storyline with new characters.  They didn't and ultimately the show failed spectacularly.  I think Homeland could have learned from this example, but with Brody sticking around another season and not blowing himself up, it seems like the show will toy with ideas, but ultimately never have the teeth to do anything impactful or brave.  The series has had some strong moments though so I'mma give em 4 more episodes before I decide if i'm out.  Oh but my favorite moment from the finale, and funniest, was Walker petting that lady on the head.  At that, I did laugh out loud.

The Dark Knight Rises Full Trailer

Ok, this got me so hype that I almost threw a brick through my neighbor's window.  Can't wait til this summer!

Quick Thoughts
- Love how that dude from Dancing With The Stars got a part in the movie.
- Anne Hathaway is sexy as fuckkkkk.
- Bane seems like he's "cold as ice!" (dave chappelle voice)
- Fuck the Seahawks! lol!
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt is my n*gga!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Kristen Wiig is Doing The Most

Kristen Wiig is killing the game right now.  I mean besides Bridesmaids, which she co-wrote and starred in, she's one of the most consistently funny people in Hollywood.   Her versatility is amazing, she can play neurotic, she can play straight, she can play silly, and she can do it all in a span of 90 minutes.  Kristen Wiig is literally doing the most.  And I wanted to take some time out to to give Kristen some blog shine, because it's easy to be one of those people doin too much. *cough* Skip Bayless *cough*  btw, I am convinced that Tim Tebow will be Skip Bayless' waterloo.


But back to Kristen, she carries the show.  You should watch the gem above for an example of her genius.  A lot of SNL isn't funny, in fact, a lot of time's it's painful to watch their horrible sketches.  (Fortunately I don't have to deal with that anymore thanks to my DVR)  But even when the material is weak, Kristen adds a funny face, or a quirky voice, and it works.  It's eerily reminiscent of the immensely talented Amy Poehler's last two seasons on SNL when she carried the show in a Post Fey and Tracy Morgan era.  Which makes me think Wiig, much like Poehler will bolt for another vehicle to display her many talents.  I don't see her sticking around past this season, and when she does bolt SNL may be in a world of trouble.  Or it could be next woman up.  Who knows, but props to Kristen, and good for her being named one of Time magazine's "People Who Mattered."  She's earned it.

*Quick note:  If you're unfamiliar with the genius of Amy Poehler then you should buy this DVD or add it to your nextflix queue.  It's worth every penny. 

Update: More Kristen Wiig appreciation, aka part 2.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Adios Albert

When it comes down to it, Albert Pujols should be a Cardinal.  There's no other way around it.  The Cardinals allegedly offered Albert 10 years 220, while the Angels offered 10 years 254.  Putting the Deidre revelations aside.  (Deidre said that they were offered 5 years 130 first, insulted then offered a nine year deal with an option 10.  She said had they actually been offered the guaranteed version of 10 years 220, then Albert would still be a Card)  Regardless, it never should have come to that. For the last 6 years Albert has made roughly 14 million.  He wanted to make 25 mil per.  PAY THE MAN!  He's only the best hitter in baseball.  If that's what he wants to be paid you pay him.  Because again, he is the best player is baseball.  Not to mention he's far more valuable to the Cardinals organization than he is to any other team because he's going to go down as one of the game's greatest players.  Can you imagine if they Yankees had let Jeter go?  Jeter wouldn't have made nearly as much money with any other team, but the Yanks ponied up b/c Jeter is the face of the franchise.  He's Mr. Yankee.  He's the contemporary Yankee legend.  From Ruth, Gehrig, Mantle, Berra, to name a few and now Jeter.

The Cardinals had a chance to do that with Pujols, but they blew it.  Over what?  3 million dollars a year.  The projected payroll is supposed to be 110 million this year.  You mean to tell me the cards can't go to 121?  It's going to cripple the franchise financially to spend 11 million more than they wanted to.  A hot dog and a soda costs 12 dollars, but you're struggling to pay bills.  Cmon son.  If you can show me a statement that says the cards only made 11 million last year then I'll leave it alone.  But just think about how much money they made off squirrel shirts alone!?!? I refuse to buy into the Cardinal spin that they couldn't afford it.  Being able to put a statue in front of busch stadium  is so much more valuable than a few million dollars.  It's much more valuable than overpaying a man towards the end of his career. A career in which he made 200,000 his first year, 600 his second and 900 his 3rd.  His totals from those years go: 37 HRs, 130 RBIs, .329 BA / 34 HRs, 127 RBIs, .314 BA / 43 HRs, 127 RBIs, .359 BA. That's how these deals work.  You compensate a man for when he was underpaid.  They took care of Holiday, they took care of Lohse, but they inexplicably didn't take care of the franchise?  Unbelievable.  I'd almost have more respect for the Cards if they would have been honest and said, "you know what, we're not gonna sign him.  He costs too much, and it's been a great 11 years."  The thing is, winning the world series cost us pujols because it gave the owners a honeymoon period.  People are still high off this world series and not going to be as critical of the franchise.  It's why they hired Matheny, a man with no coaching on his resume, to manage the team.  They could have had a stud in francona, but saving the 4 million was more important to them.

Last note is for Cardinals fans.  There are too many people acting like Albert aged 5 years overnight.  Even in a down year the man had 37 home runs, and a .299 average. AND he missed time with a fractured wrist.  Now I'm hearing about how he wasn't that good, and he's a jerk, and we're better with out him.  First, he was that good.  2nd, he is a jerk.  Probably even more than Barry Bonds.  When I took the pic below I was less than ten feet away from him and every other Cardinal on the field talked to me and my friends except Albert.  He didn't even acknowledge use.  Like he was too good and couldn't be bothered.  Dude, it's BP, chill.  But whatevs.  And 3rd, you're not better when you lose the best hitter in baseball and get nothing in return.  period. 
It's crazy that the Cardinals kept keeping LaRussa, the one man I wanted gone the most, and then showed Albert the door, the one guy I didn't want us to lose. 
Ultimately, the Cardinals are run as a business.  They'll be fine and people will pay 8 dollars for beers and go to games and cheer on their squad.  The Cards are my franchise so I'll root for them too, but I'm not going to be bitter towards Albert, because had the franchise wanted to keep him they would have.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

The Dexter Problem

I wrote a while back that I thought Dexter was slipping, but I'm starting to have some serious issues with a show that I care a lot about.  Now if you haven't seen Dexter through season 6 you should stop reading.  Furthermore, if you don't want to be spoiled by speculation about what's coming towards the end of season 6 then you should stop reading right now.  Just don't want anybody spoiled that doesn't want to be spoiled by where I think the season is headed.  Good?  Great!  Let's continue:

This season of Dexter has been problematic for a number of reasons.  The obvious main problem in Dexter is the big bad(s).  I'm firmly entrenched in the camp that thinks the Dexter writers think they have us all fooled and are going to "reveal" that the bad guys are in fact one bad guy.  They're basically stealing fight club by making Gellar a figment of Travis' imagination.  Oh, and the fact that Dexter, who is seemingly the smartest guy in Miami, has no clue, makes zero sense.  From what we see, no one ever acknowledges Gellar.  Gellar sat down at the diner and there was no place setting in front him.  Only Travis speaks to Gellar.  Which makes me even more upset when they try to play angles like he was knocked out by Gellar and chained up by the old man. AND then, when Dexter comes in the old man quickly runs up the stairs and then flies away out the window.  Child please!

So there's that revelation that I think they are trying to say is going to be a huge payoff.-- which, l;et's be honest, it can only be a payoff if Gellar turns out to be real, but

2. The writers are stalling!!! To have a trinity murder happen and Dexter takes a road trip to Nebraska to investigate was done to give the writers some time to cool on doomsday.  That story should have wrapped by episode 5 when dexter had him in the car, but he let him go.  So that the writers can have dexter capture him again, and eventually kill him no sooner than episode 12 when he in fact realizes that it was travis and his imaginary professor all along.

3.  It's clear to me that Laguerta is covering up for matthews (the real real high up dude), cuz he loves hoes, and what other reason would she have for wanting deb to close the case so quick.

4.  I don't understand why Dexter is always withholding information from the cops.  Even if he can't come out and give them leads, he can certainly give them evidence that will point to a certain target.  Wasn't the whole point of his deal to get people that evade the justice system?  I dunno, but it seems like the writers have used this device one too many times in an attempt to create a problem when there really isn't one. 

Easy fixes

1.  I get that I'm being a jerk for ragging on plot points, but my main point is don't treat your audience like a bunch of dummies.  These things shouldn't be treated as mysteries that will need reveals later on.  They should let the audience in and show travis having imaginary time, but still believeing he is talking to someone.  Show him killing his sister.  Show him chaining himself up.  They should let us know that laguerta is being put in a tough spot by matthews to keep this under wraps.  Save the mystery for legit plot points.  Looking back, I have a lot of respect for what Clyde Phillips was able to do as the showrunner for the first four seasons. 

2.  Have Deb find out that dexter kills people and make them deal with it/ partner up in a strange way that works for this show and somehow draws them closer together.  My only concern here is that we'll have to wait until season 8 for this to happen.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Bad Teacher (Cam's back!)

I'm generally in the camp that comedians should be playing the lead female roles in comedies because you know, they're actually funny, but my whole theory got blown up by the movie Bad Teacher.  If you haven't seen it, you need to, because it's probably my favorite movie of the year.  The only reason I'm just getting around to it now is because my friends don't like to see anything that's not an ultra serious documentary about making bicycles for women in a small village in Africa.  No. fucking. thanks.

In Blank Stare news Billy Crystal is hosting the Oscars.  again. o_O  After Eddie peaced, I was pretty sure I wasn't going to watch anyway, but now I'm definitely not going to watch.  One because black people having been getting shut out.  Was anyone black even there last year?  So instead of funny this year, the show is going for safe.  Think superbowl halftime shows in the post nipplegate era.  Unfortunately, Billy Crystal is now the dump off pass of Oscar hosts.  I'd much rather give James Franco another shot with a script written to his comedic strengths.  I mean the guy is funny if you give him something to work with.

 

p.s. following up on my bad teacher train of thought.  Can't wait for "Young Adult"

Diablo Cody + Charlize Theron = gold

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Tina Fey Is My Hero

Today I saw the DVD for Season 5 of 30 Rock on sale and it made me so proud of Tina Fey.  It seems like just a few years ago I was watching the pilot in my dorm and telling everyone that the show was amazing.  (And let me tell you, 30 rock is a hard sell in Ujamaa.)  When I saw the season five label on the cover, I started thinking about how incredibly it is difficult to make 5 solid seasons (over 100 episodes) of a show.  Congrats Tina!  You're the best.    

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Top 5 Tuesday

Top 5 shows that are on the decline

I hate it when one of my favorite shows becomes a source of frustration.  It happens far too often now as people are more interested in staying on air than committing to their artistic vision.  But sometimes people just fuck all the way up.  Let's go through some of our favorites.

Dexter:  Status: Just not as good as it used to be.

This isn't even a terrible thing, because the show has been excellent for years now, but the show is slipping.  It's not as compelling as it was in seasons past.  Part of the problem is that in Dexter there's no sense of suspense.  Nothing ever sticks to Dexter.  An interesting cliff hanger gets dangled and then immediately resolved at the start of the next episode.  I'd rather there not be cliffhangers than to have cliffhangers for the sake of having them.

True Blood: Status:  Wily vet, that can still bring it in a big game, but is inconsistent over the course of a long season.
 
The show might be a victim of it's own popularity.  Sometimes it feels like they pander to the masses.   They've got a problem with cliffhangers as well, but my main gripe is that it feels like the writers write to stay on the air.  The first season felt like the writers knew how they wanted the show to feel and they went all in with a sense of conviction.  Subsequent seasons all have this "please renew us" feel to them.  BUT I will say, they still have some cool moments from time to time.    

Modern Family:  Status: Sharp Decline. 


I'm giving season three a chance, but season 2 pretty much repeated the same jokes as season 1.  I get it, Phil is clueless.  Manny says things an adult would say. etc...    If season three finds new ways to make these characters react to funny situations then there might be hope.  But I'm not drinking the Modern Family kool-aid.  The Emmy's fucked up and lost all credibility by not giving Steve Carell an emmy.  If you're not going to give it to Jim Parsons, give Steve an Emmy for all the ones he should have gotten.

The Office: Status:  Somebody needs to put this dog down.


Ed Helms may be the biggest "star" on the office, but he seems ill equipped to carry a show.  Makes it all the more impressive what Steve Carell did.  Even when the show wasn't at it's funniest, Steve Carell still made it enjoyable to watch.

Weeds:  Status:  Worst show on tv, that is still on tv.
I hate that Jenji Kohan is still getting a paycheck.  I hate that she took everything that was great about weeds and literally burned it to the ground.  I hate that she's so smug about weeds.  Like whenever weeds gets picked up she tries to act like it's still a good show and they have great things in the works.  I mean, I wouldn't be this upset if she would at least acknowledge how terrible the show has been, but she won't.  I hate that I still watch weeds even though it's horrible.  Until Conrad returns I want nothing to do with show.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Women are out of control!

I'm tired of wack bitches.  And I'll even go as far to say that all of us are tired of wack bitches.  Women are getting out of control.  Now there are some great women out there.  Smart, beautiful, wonderful, caring, and inspirational women.  But then there are the bitches whose stank attitudes could be used to clear out frat parties.  They come with foul dispositions, blackberry twitter accounts, a fondness of mixing in a few big words to sound smarter, knockoff Louis Vuitton bags, inspirational Rev Run quotes,  and an inexplicable sense of entitlement.  They've completely thrown off the balance of men and women. As I sat at home troubled by this phenomenon, an uncomfortably light skinned black man by the name of Chris Broussard came on my tv and that's when it occurred to me that our situation is almost exactly the same as the relationship between NBA players and owners.  We're at an impasse gentlemen.  The future of the game is at stake.Which is why I propose we lockout.  Yes fellas, we need a new collective bargaining agreement with women.

Now I'm sure you're thinking, what if these bitches find out about my plan to lockout.  Don't worry, the women I'm speaking of don't own laptops and can only access the internet through their phones.  It would eat up too much of their data plan to load this page.  We're good.  Let's continue:


The issues:

1. Nicki Minaj and Rihanna worship needs to stop.  

2. Hating on Michael Vick/ Ben Roethlisberger needs to stop.

3. Game playing needs to stop!

4. Revenue Sharing needs to start!


One of my closest and dearest friends told me she was going out with a guy because she wanted some good food...for free.

You went on a date with a man because you're HUNGRY!?!?

Unacceptable.

So how do we address these issues:
1.  Decertify

2.  Give some of these bitches the veteran minimum.

3.  Stop giving below average women the mid level exception.

4.  Don't allow role players to get max deals.

Personally, I'm only fuckin with world beaters from now on.  Because if we have to pay max dollars anyway, why not seek out max talent.  Every girl wants a max deal now.  That's the problem.  Average girls need to understand their value.  And average is not bad,  I actually used to deal only with average chicks just because they were so much more down to earth. That's not the case anymore, which is why we need to reestablish the tiers so that we can pay players accordingly.  Now I know they'll never accept a salary cap, but if we're smart they don't have too.  It's our fault that some girls egos are inflated beyond their tier.  It makes sense on paper that you can't give a max deal to an average player.  But all it takes is one desperate owner to overpay for an average player and then that raises the asking price for all higher tiered women.

Demands:  

1.  If we text you, text back. Promptly.

2.  Say what you mean.  Pretty fuckin simple, but largely ignored.

3.  If you only want friendship, you better insist on splitting everything. No. Free. Meals. 
Look, I'm not going to pretend to have all the answers, but I do know one thing; we need to lockout before it's too late.  I'm out.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The Top 5

It just seems like every time I blog I'm talking about how I don't blog enough, so I am giving myself the seven post in seven days challenge.  Did it before, I'll do it again.  There's a lot to talk about this week so I think I can make this work.  But first I figured I show the athletic ladies some love today.  I think this'll be a weekly bit.  Just top 5 something.  Yeah, top five Tuesday.  I like it.  So here we go.   Top five female athletes I'd wife right now.


5.  Hope Solo- ESPN the body.  Dancing with the stars.  I love Hope Solo because she's thick.  She's not the stick figure type that's a dime a dozen in hollywood.  Something's off about Hope though.  She's weird. And stiff.  And not good weird, like one day she's watering the grass naked, the next day she's shittin in your prius weird.  I can't seem to get a read on her.  You know what it is, I feel like she's channeling that hot chick from Mars Attacks that acts like she's gonna fuck you and then rips your balls out.  But I mean, if it comes my way, I'll take it.

4.  Lolo Jones- Just saw her on sportsnation the other day.  That show sucks, but when beadle isn't annoying she's easy on the eyes.  Anyway, I'm literally only watching for about 5 seconds and then I see a chick that's not beadle so I stay a little longer, and i'm like who is this white girl talkin like a sistah and rockin a nice tan.  Then I googled her and found out she's half black.  I love it. Cute face, GREAT personality, (follow her on twitter) Lolo's my girl. 


3.  Sue Bird- She's crazy good.  I can stare at her all day.  She's cute, and she can hoop.  I actually almost bought her WNBA jersey, but they don't make em in men's sizes:(.  Her assists are insane, she's super hot, but still has girl next door appeal.  Doesn't get any better than that.  However, her unwillingness to join the twitterverse is holding her back from being ranked higher.

2.  Diana Taurasi- I can't even explain why I like her.  Maybe it's how smooth her skin looks.  Maybe it's because I can't have her.  Apparently she's into the ladies.  She's got crazy ass though, and a nice jumper to boot.  I def bought 2 copies of her EPSN the body cover.  Plus she's taller than me.  Long story short, I'm not giving up hope.

1.  Becky Hammon - She plays like Allen Iverson, which is the reason I was attracted to her at first.  I mean besides the fact that she's gorgeous.  Other than that, she seems humble, and she's always got a chip on her shoulder.   I like Becky a lot.  


Honorable mention/Front runner: Jeannette Pohlen

Yeah you knew it was coming.  Don't even get me started on her.  I have pined over her for the past 3 years.  Great game, great personality, great spirit.  I'll just say it, she makes me wanna be her Tony Romo.  Love that girl.  And this is despite the fact that she always shoots me down.  But that's fine.  I'm not giving up.  She's my Laura Winslow.  And last time I checked, Urkel fucked.  I think the last time I talked to her, I asked her to dance at a frat party, and she was like "maybe later."  So you're tellin me there's a chance!

Monday, October 3, 2011

Happy Birthday Gwen!

Here's the kicker, she's 42! Damn...

and this commercial still perfectly captures my feelings on the creative process.

Happy birthday boo!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Daniele is my girl

Daniele when seeing a laboratory-type set for the veto comp:

"Rachel's probably dying to play in this veto competition because she thinks she's a scientist. BUT, unless scientists serve Mia Tias, I'm pretty sure she's a waitress...ZING!"

Daniele stole my heart this year.  Her legs look so SMOOTH...

who started this?

via MTV

Saturday, August 20, 2011

The Social Network(s)

A lotta things have been getting on my nerves lately + I've been neglecting my blog.  So I figured i might as well kill two birds you feel me? Without further adieu...

Twitter is a strange place.  No one new wants to do it because they're not really sure what it is.  Whenever I ask somebody if they tweet or try to get them to start tweeting they almost always say "Isn't that just a facebook status update?"  To which I typically reply "Yeah, but.." and then I'm pretty sure all they hear after that is the charlie brown "wompa wompa womp womp womp...."

Juwan watches silently while Eddie is on one.
Anyway, I'm done with facebook.  It's pointless.  The ONLY reason to use facebook is to A) Get ass B. pretend like you're not only there to get ass and C.  remember birthdays.  Facebook ain't for us anymore.  I feel like I'm the "Juwan Howard on the Heat" of facebook.  I keep a low profile and almost never post...Whenever I pop up on people's newsfeeds they probably think "man, I didn't even know he was still in the league."

At this stage in my facebook career, I only have it because a girl might wanna facebook me or vice versa.  If I go to a party there might be 6 or 7 girls I wanna smash.  So I add em.  But my newsfeed is gonna put me on blast so I gotta add 3 or 4 dudes from that same party to keep it from looking like I only added chicks.  It's basically like going to the store and buying juice and eggs to make it look like you're not just there to buy condoms. 

I remember when facebook was the wild wild west.  There were literally NO. Fucking. Rules!  Cuz it was so new, people had no idea what was happening.  You could randomly add chicks and they'd think nothing of it and have convos with you like you were good friends.  You could friend somebody five minutes after you met em.  You wanna tell a girl she has nice titties? DO it! You wanna poke a chick? Be! My! Guest!  I met about 20 girls on facebook before I went to stanford and convinced more than a handful of cute ones to go out with me once I got there.  That's the first time I fell victim to facebook pic deceit and the wizardry of photoshop, but that's for another blog.

Point is, back when only cowboys and indians was on facebook you could do anything and the shit was mad fun.  If people could see the threads I had goin w/ some girls they'd give my facebook profile the death penalty.
Now it's all corporate, and everywhere you look it's grandmas and preachers on facebook.  Basically we reached that point in pulp fiction where there's the gimp and black dude gettin fucked and people started going, "whoa...it's not a game anymore. this is real."  And they decided that the lawlessness had to stop.  If you tag a picture of somebody, they detag it immediately and then text you some angry shit about how you fucked up for posting a pic of them licking the edible candle wax off the bartenders nipple.  Grown, bitch made, damn near teary eyed men be like "My mom saw that shit, not cool homie" 1st.  Not my fault.  2nd.  What are you doing accepting your mom's facebook friend request anyway?  Plus, you know she had the computer "remember" her password.  Log onto her facebook and delete her profile.  Problem solved.

There's just so many rules.  Like windows for adding people on facebook.  Wanna add that bomb ass chick you met a week ago?  Nope.  You gotta wait to see her again and then hope you remember to add her before the window closes.  And once you are friends, all communication better happen between 11:00AM and 6:00PM.  Try to set up anything up over facebook and you'll get yourself blacklisted as the guy that tries to mack on girls over facebook.  <--this particular point needs an aside:

Every guy is trying to holla at girls on facebook.  It's like cheating in the NCAA.  Everyone is doing it.  But only the people who get caught get punished.  In the end, the reward far outweighs the risk involved so it's not gonna stop. 

And we're back:


Wanna post on a girls wall?  Naw. Think again, cuz all her friends gon get together and have a tribunal and shit to determine what your wall post meant and if she should continue to return your phone calls.  But to be fair, that's gonna happen with any type of internet communication.  Everything on the web is written in ink.  Man..the guy who invents, texts, tweets, and facebook messages that self destruct after being read is gonna be a billionaire.  

But back to twitter.  People use it for a number of different things.  I admire and respect people that entertain the most.  Funny people are king, but if you at least entertain, or inform then I don't have a problem following you.

Just don't be one of these guys.  No names to protect the innocent.

1.  Regular people trying to be inspirational. "Be confident in who you are and everything you are will be." Ugh...Just retweet Rev Run and let it go.  Plus don't tweet "booty poppin in da club/ gettin my back blown out" and then the next morning try to be all "Know your true worth and never compromise."  I don't wanna hear it.

2.  People that tweet.  "Asked to use a microwave at the grocery store next door so I could heat up my lunch. #desperate <----An actual tweet.  After I read that I felt like I had every right to call her and cuss her out.

3.  Or people that "break" news that they clearly read from ESPN or some journalists twitter feed.  Just retweet.  Don't pretend like you were making calls and have sources.  You watched around the horn just like I did.

But let's end on a positive note.

Some of my favorite tweeters:
Chelsea is by far my favorite.  I really admire her writing and sense of humor. 

@ChelseaVPeretti

"I like being told to chill. Chills me out!" -nobody

"A good indicator of us not being in the same "vibe zone" is if you are a white person wearing a white turban."

@NileEvans

...PRETTY CHICKS WITH NOTHING TO SAY THINK WE FOLLOWING "THEM". WE FOLLOWIN THEM TITTAYZ!!

@lilduval

My 12 year old God son just told me plies is the realist rapper alive and jay z don't be talking bout nothin.....he dead serious

Friday, August 19, 2011

I love this woman

She's pure inspiration.


This rendition of "You and I" is phenomenal.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Welcome back...Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back

Okay, first thing is first. Soulja boy did not buy a $55 million dollar jet. BUT, I think this was just a PR attempt. I give credit to Soulja Boy cause (1) he responded to my wall post on facebook and (2) he does have $55 million. He just doesn't want to spend it on a jet (and no Darius, he won't have to liquidate all his assets for it).

But, in order to deflect attention from him, and going with the post below about effective advertising. Here are my OOPS moments right now:

Remember Kobe's ridiculously homoerotic all white photoshoot?
This here on the left was definitely a PR mistake. So when you think about Soulja Boy's people messing up, you can always refer to the whole photoshoot for Kobe Bean here. C'Mon son.


Okay, so that might not have been the worst PR mistake in the world. That one goes to Amare. Every athlete's dream is to be on the cover of ESPN the magazine. I feel like his people got tricked, cause they basically said "we'll let you be on the cover if you make an absolute fool out of yourself". Don't believe me? You can see the whole THING for yourself. COME ON SON! Drake voice.

The Eight Hates
1. If I say a celebrity is not hot (eg. "I don't even think Heidi Montag is that hot".) PLEASE do not respond with "dude you know if she was next to you you'd want to bang her". THAT MEANS NOTHING. Celebrities are all on a different scale. It's like me saying J.J. Redick sucks at basketball. He doesn't suck cause he's in the NBA, but as an NBA player he sucks. Note: This is a bad example cause Redick actually is terrible. Proof.
2. Lady at Costco, I'm 23 years old. Don't ask me if my mom says its okay if I can sample the teriyake chicken. First of all, I'm 23. Second of all, no one is allergic to chicken.
3. Person I'm out at dinner with. Please wait until I get my food before you send your food back. I don't want my food to get spit in just because your soup isn't warm enough or you "didn't like the taste of your dish". Too bad, that's part of the risk of eating, you might not like what you order.
3. AT&T U-Verse. Don't tell me "Congratulations, you qualify for AT&T U-Verse" and then come to install it and tell me "oh, you need to be 3,000 ft away from a box...you're about at 3,010 right now." Move your damn box closer asshole.
4. Haircut lady who charges $12 for a haircut. I am going to tip you, don't worry. When I give you a 20, don't give me 8 ones...it just makes me mad.
5. People who make me feel bad for watching TV. "Oh it's a beautiful day outside and you're just watching TV". So what. I want to watch the bachelor and that's my choice. It's going to be outside tomorrow, but if I don't watch the bachelor tonight, someone's going to spoil it on facebook. No one can spoil tomorrow's weather on facebook.
6. How the radio can get me to love any song by playing it enough ("How to Love" by Lil' Wayne).
7. That awkward moment when you comment on someone's facebook photo and then the next day you're on limited profile. YOU ADDED ME BITCH.
8. People who are under 40 and do not have texting plans....You want me to call you instead of text you? No. I'm not hanging out with you.


I can't wait for the NFL season to start

Friday, July 29, 2011

Effective Advertising

Might be watching Project Runway this year.  Also, I fuckin hate Seal.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

The Roundup: McNabb, Media, and "Mouisture"

First, quick shout out to Randiesel F Baby on an excellent post.   

My only response is that while Brett Favre may not have sent those pictures, Brett Favre is DEFINITELY the type that sends pictures of his dick to women.  He probably mass texts women and sees how many replies he gets back.  The corresponding message is probably something like "y or n?"


NFL Roundup:


Donovan is free!!! I'm so happy, but leave it to ESPN to rain on my parade and immediately start disparaging Donovan and saying he's washed up. Look I understand it was a bad year, but I've been over it before, the man was all alone. 


But I was a little shocked to hear not 2 seconds later all the praise of the Titans for signing Hasselbeck who statistically speaking has had less success than Donovan.  I have no idea why people take shots at Donovan and why he's so criticized, but I might have to play the race card.  I don't understand how he's always the fall guy.

Somebody explain to me how Santonio Holmes got a 5 year 50 million (24 guaranteed) deal?


This is T.J. Houshmandzadeh to the Seahawks all over again.  Teams gotta know that you don't give Robin "Batman Money."  Unless the Jets sign Braylon, or another big target that can draw attention away from Holmes this seems really stupid.  I just don't wanna hear about how Santonio is a number 1 receiver.  It's like when your boy introduces the homies to his girl talking about "she's the one" and everyone can see that she's a rottweiler.



Carson Palmer: Um, lets back it up to 06
Under the reworked deal, Palmer will get a $15 million bonus -- paid on Feb. 16 -- and a base salary of $6.75 million next season. The Bengals owe him a $9 million option by Jan. 1, 2007; they'll have the option of letting the rest of the deal take effect or nullifying it at that time, but have to pay the same amount either way.
His base salaries will increase during the deal, topping out at $14 million in 2014. He'll also get $1 million roster bonuses for each of his last three seasons, bringing the total amount of the reworked, nine-year deal to $118.75 million.
Call me naive, but I don't understand how it could be that terrible to play a game for many millions of dollars. 


Big Brother Roundup:


Bitches: Rachel sucks.  Brenda is a bitch.  And he has no real reason to be a bitch.  Rachel's personality sucks.  And she doesn't have a cute face.  I was watching big brother After dark and I also learned that she doesn't have ass.  Which means one thing, Brendan must not be able to get pussy.  Before Rachel, he was the NBA player that orders the hotel's porn and jacks off before falling to sleep at 11.  I mean he's a decent looking guy that's been on tv, I don't understand why he's putting the pussy on a pedestal.


Hot girls: I grew to love Cassi because she is so frickin hot.  I mean, Damn.


Shelly and Kalia suck: Shelly looks like a truck driver, and Kalia is built like the Michelin man. 


Dom throwing the POV because he's confident he's safe: You never throw the POV. Ever. You win the POV then see what happens.  Also, you never throw the POV.  And you certainly never throw the POV at the behest of the person who put you on the block in the first place! If he goes home that's all on him.  Another rookie mistake.  But we'll get to that.


Rachel and Brendan's control issues:  I want Rachel and Brendan on the block.  But I don't think this will happen with all the rookie mistakes.  What pisses me off the most is that Rachel and Brendan want to win HOH and POV so that they have total control on any given week.  They don't even want to do anything game-wise with it, they want people to grovel/make deals/kiss the rings.  The Brenchel ego is outta control. 


The rookies moment of realization:


As I watched BBAD it became clear that the rookies are realizing that they've signed their own death warrants.  That by refusing to play the game and taking shelter under the wings of the veteran alliance they have essentially created a snake that eats it's own tail and ingests itself. Follow me:


Kalia, and Shelly now understand that they need Dom there to play.  Problem is the vets have Porsche mind washed, and Adam is the weaker of the two, so it's to their benefit to have him around for longer.  Even with Kalia, Lawon, Danielle, and Shelly's votes the newbies would have to convince Brendan, Jeff, Jordan or Porsche to vote with them.  Only the latter might and she won't. 


Fact: Kalia, Lawon, Shelly, Porsche, and Adam will never nominate a veteran for eviction.  1. they'd have to win an HOH.  And 2.  They'd probably be too sacred to nominate a vet for fear of "making an enemy."  Hell when they had a chance to make a power move, Shelly snitched on Dom and Danielle for no reason other than to get Rachel and Brendan brownie points.  Bitch move.


For the first time in a big brother season, NOBODY wants blood on their hands.  *except the veterans* who are slaughtering the newbies one by one while jedi mind tricking them into thinking they're on the same side and will bring them to the end.  


I don't understand how no one seems to realize that they're next.


Everyone has a deal with the vets, and everyone thinks they're safe.  


As long as Porsche sticks with the vets, the rest of the newbies will get picked off one by one, because Porsche will vote with the vet block and eliminate the stronger of the 2 remaining newbies. 


So enjoy your golden key Adam, cuz they ain't comin after Kalia, Lawon, or Shelly next week.


Had the newbies grown some balls the first week, they could have had a shot.  Now they have no endurance competitors left (assuming Dom gets voted out tonight) which means they'll lose tonight's HOH and another newbie will be sent home by other newbies who vote the way the vets want them too because it'll guarantee them 7 mores days in the BB house.  It's pathetic.


If ever there was a time when we needed a big brother twist, it's right now.  Cmon Julie! 


In closing, this is why other countries hate us:


Monday, July 11, 2011

First Rounds Draft Picks Coming, Who is Randiesel F Baby Coming

Okay first things first. I have been reading this blog for a long time, and finally on my first post. A few things about me so you know what to expect.

I believe:
1. Soulja Boy Tell 'Em is the best rapper in the game right now because he makes the best YouTube videos and plays Xbox Live.
2. The Warriors are the best basketball team in the NBA right now because they score more points than everyone else, and that's how you win...
3. Brett Favre did not send those pictures.

However, this blog post is going to be about one thing, the best show out there right now, Big Brother. For those that don't watch it's pretty much Survivor, inside a big house, with no physical competition. It's the ultimate mind-fuck.

Here are the current cast members:
Adam
Occupation: Music Inventory Manager (stock boy?)
Description: Older rocker guy who claims to love bacon and is a huge fan.

Cassi
Occupation: Model
Occupation she told everyone: "Student" (I will elaborate on this more)
Description: Super hot and has a southern accent.

Dominic
Occupation: Student
Occupation he said: I forget, but it was something dumb and non-student.
Description: Complete mamma's boy.

Kalia
Occupation: Writer
Occupation she said: She is the equivalent to Carrie from SATC.
Description: Seems to be super into herself.

Keith
Occupation: Deacon/Youth-Minister
Occupation he said: I don't remember, something dumb and non-religious.
Description: He is my favorite contestant right now. He's super into himself and thinks he's a chick magnet. He said "the Lord said be fruitful and multiply, so that's what I'm going to do." HAHA

Lawon
Occupation: Legal File Clerk
Description: Super flamboyant, and.... flamboyant. Dresses hilariously.

Porsche
Occupation: VIP Cocktail Waitress
Occupation she said: Student
Description: Fake boobs, and I'm pretty sure VIP Cocktail Waitress means stripper...

Shelly
Occupation: Hunter
Description: She looks like she has gone through the TV show Survivor.

They also brought back some big dynamic duos. ED and Daniele, Rachel and Brandon, and Jeff and Jordan. I'm stuck because I really like ED and Daniele but also Jeff and Jordan.

This season looks to be one of the best yet. I really need to get on this show.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Movies, Summer, and Women

Let's make one thing absolutely clear right off the bat....

I'd smash Casey Anthony and so would you.

sidenote: yes, "the many faces of Casey Anthony" blog is on the way. She's got some good ones.

Double sidenote: fuck that douchebag on the right. I don't even know where to start. The "i'm too cool for a full smile" face. Or the fact that he probably says things like "pussy, bro, pussy. cmon bro let's get some pussy" ALL THE TIME. But Casey likes brothas!?!?!? LEGGO!!!
I haven't been blogging lately because let's face it, there's just not too much poppin in St. Louis. however, that does not mean that I should be slacking on my duties in the pop culture realm. This means I'm back, minutia and all. Speaking of which...

Big Brother comes on tonight. Big Brother is one of the best reality shows on tv, but people give me funny looks when I say I'm a fan. Completely their loss.

Movies I wanna see, but my friends are lame and won't go see them with me:


Transformers (I'm a sucker for a good teaser trailer)
Cowboys and Aliens
Friends With Benefits
Crazy, Stupid, Love (Fucking, Awful, Name)
Super 8
Bad Teacher
Horrible Bosses
Captain America

So there's this girl, but I can't decide if she's cute or not. So what do I? I do what any guy would do, I get my boys to weigh in. The problem is they can't tell either. Further complicating matters is the fact that she knows my friends so I can't smash and dash. Look, I'm pretty sure she's cute, but there are times when this is how i feel.



And now for a much overdue power rankings: Actress Addition

5. Jodie Foster - She'll always have a place in my heart. She may be a total lez, but I don't care. Two words: Panic Room.

4. Anne Hathaway (+2)- Probably gonna go up after she plays Catwoman in The Dark Knight Rises

3. Sandra Bullock (+0) - She will probably always be in my top three. Truth be told, if I had my pick of any of these women she would probably be the hardest to turn down. I'm not even sure if I would.

2. Tina Fey (-1) - Her deciding to have a second baby, with another man, is ultimately what cost her the top spot. Still haven't finished bossypants. The first 30 pages are great though.


1. Blake Lively (+8) Rising young actress + The Private Lives of Pippa Lee + Hot girl with guys name + "Leaked" nude iphone photos. I'd wife her in a minute!