Monday, April 30, 2012

Yes, I really am going to blog everyday! BEDA: Day 30

I can't believe I made it through a month!  It doesn't feel like my first post was 29 days ago.  Blog Every Day in April is crazy.  I'm really glad Alyson convinced me to do it / kept posting so I kept feeling like I had to post.  You should definitely be following her blog because if there is something cool on the internet she will find it and she will bring it to your doorstep.  It's like internet room service.  Seriously, get in there and absorb some of that greatness.  As far as things over here go, I'm definitely not going to continue blogging everyday, but fear not, I'll still update 2-3 times a week.  I kind of have this need to post that I didn't prior to BEDA.  Well thanks for coming along for the ride.  I hope you stick around!

Ok so how about a little last day housekeeping:   

One sentence summaries of Breaking Bad episodes that work for the entire series. (not spoilery)

Ron Artest aka Metta World Peace's philosophy on the Lakers offense. (Randy dropped this one off)

Bit of a bummer that Khloe and Lamar have decided not to give us a season 3.

Horrifying Lindsay Lohan 25 years of face changes video. This video creeped me the fuck out.  Watch if you think you can handle it.

I'm all about symmetry so I think it's only fitting that we close out the month the way we started it...with a picture of my girl.  I'm out.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Body Language Blues

I feel like Kanye is being held prisoner.  It was cool at first, but now I'm worried for him.  I mean I guess it's cool if we get another classic album like 808s, but I feel like Kim is the prototypical "smash and pass" type chick.  So all together now... 

Saturday, April 28, 2012

No Light, No Light

Florence Welch you complete me bye!

It's Time

66 meaningless games in 124 days.  Cmon Heatles, Championship or Bust. 

Friday, April 27, 2012

Samuel L. Jackson Plays Insane Too Well to Not Be a Smidge Insane

Earlier this week I talked about why I like Sam in serious roles. Now as much as I like Serious Sam, Crazy Sam is the true eighth wonder of the world.

Unbreakable (2000)- Remember when M Night was consistently bringing the hotness?

Lakeview Terrace (2008) - If there is one movie on this list you NEED to see it's Lakeview Terrace.  Samuel is clearly the antagonist of this movie, but I was rooting for him the entire time.  It's a really warped way to watch a movie, but he's so intense, and so insane, and such a prick that I couldn't NOT root for him.  Watch it!  If you love Sam half as much as I do this movie won't let you down.  You'll either be laughing OR in a state of disbelief at the ridiculousness of this character.  Bravo Sam.  You nailed it.

Sam says thought provolking things like "I'm the PO-lice! You have to do what I say!"

The Other Guys (2010) Only in the movie for five minutes or so, but it's a great five, and he's partnered up with The Rock.  Spoiler Alert:     Aim for the bushes.

The Spirit (2008) - This movie was terrible, and a little awkward cuz I watched it with this Jewish girl I was dating.  It's not antisemitic, but towards the middle of the movie it's clear that Samuel is kind the kind of supervillian that also does a little nazi worshiping on the side.  Which was mad awkward since I suggested the movie. O_o. But I recovered..the movie has a lot of funny one liners courtesy of Sam (his disdain for eggs is hilarious), but I suggest not watching it with someone you'd like to have sex with.   

Pulp Fiction (1994) - Classic.  What dorm doesn't have at least one of these posters?  Too many one liners to list.  We've all seen this one right?  If not, shame on you.

Snakes on a Plane (2006) - I love that Sam refused to do the movie unless they kept the title Snakes on a Plane. 

Jumper (2008) - I'm a little ashamed to admit that I liked Jumper.  If Jumper is on, I will drop everything I'm doing and watch it.  Black man electrocutes kids and jumps through wormholes to do it.  I'm in.

"With the first pick in the 2012 NFL Draft..."

The Colts took Andrew Luck!!!! That's my dawg!!! Yeah we've earned the right to celebrate this one a little bit (we were 1-11 before he got there).  Fuck USC (cheaters), Fuck the SEC (cheaters),  As DJ Khaled would say, "We Da Best, who!?... WEEE!!"  I know the games were on late,  so if you never got to watch Luck play you should check out his highlight reel.  Best ones in my book are the truck stick run against Cal (#2) and the USC hit stick (#10).  Andrew Luck is about to be a beast.

And when he was finally drafted I was like...

We're not finished for back in bit.

to be continued...

Thursday, April 26, 2012

BEDA: Day 26 (not the p.diddy band)

Of course Stanford QB Andrew Luck went first in the NFL draft.  As JB Smoove would say "that's how we doose it!"

Speaking of JB, did you know JB is on Bent?  Is anybody watching Bent?  I feel like I should give BFF a shot too while I'm at it.

Only names I know on Game Of Thrones are Cersei and Joffrey.  The rest, I have no understanding of who is upset at who or what is going on ever.   Am I stupid?

So why are we here today?  Well...there are a lot of "black" shows that, with the exception of the first, I feel my ummm, let's call them my "not black friends" missed out on.  But don't worry.  All of these shows air on BET every day, I'mma hook you up with the hot ones.

Kenan and Kel -  Who loves Orange Soda?  Schemes!  Aww Here it Goes!!!  I don't think there's a sitcom that more people my age loved than Kenan and Kel.  Btw, where is Kel?  I'm loving Kenan on SNL, especially his "what up with that," but I can't help but feel that Kel and Kenan's chemistry would add something big to SNL.

IIIIII, dropped the screw....

Wayans Brothers - Shawn and Marlon are the best.  Sure their nephew is on Happy Endings, but we need more Wayans on tv.  The original scary movie was amazing and we saw what happened when they left the franchise. Also classic, was "Don't be a Menace in South Central While Drinkin Yo Juice in the Hood."  Marlon and Shawn together are too funny.  

Great cold open.

Jamie Foxx Show- Jamie is ridiculously funny.  Jamie is just a damn good actor period.  He can sing.  He makes hit records.  He's got an Oscar for best actor on his resume.  He made Booty Call, and also he brought us one of the most consistently funny sitcoms of the 90s.  The Jamie Foxx show had Jamie playing Jamie King, just an average guy who worked in a hotel for his aunt and uncle.  A lot of the humor comes from Jamie's reactions and facial expressions.  Plus he has some pretty hilarious barbs that he throws around.  All I can say is.. Treat . Yo. Self!

Jamie reacting to a bank robbery

Bonus clip: Jamie killing the Brady Bunch theme song

Chappelle's Show - Can you believe that Chappelle's show was almost 10 years ago? And I can still quote about 90% of the sketches.  Where is Dave anyway?  Dave, make a movie, or do some stand up, something that the people can see.  Can you imagine what classics the 4th season would have had?  Wayne Brady still kills me.  I'm sure there are still people claiming to be Rick James.  The only reason I'm bringing this show up, is because I was talking to some friends when I was in school (only a couple years ago) and they had never seen Chappelle's show!?!? Damn shame.  That man is the greatest of all time.
 Can White People Dance? 


Can't believe I forgot the Tracy Morgan Show! Just watch 30 seconds, that's all you need.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

I Just Wanna Share My Love (of Some Old Shows)

There are some shows that are doomed from the start.  Maybe they get slotted in on Friday night, maybe they aren't promoted, but for whatever reason they don't really get a fair shake.  Quick shout out to those shows.  But first, as you may have heard, Barack Obama slow jammed the news.

So I'm wayy behind on all of my shows, but this sketch from Portlandia is perfect.  I think the DJ that takes him or herself too seriously is pretty much the most worthless person in the world.  You play music for guys to grind drunk girls too.  Get over yourself.

The live 30 Rock is tomorrow!  The first one was a classic.  Don't miss it nerds!

Today I wanted to spend some time with some of my favorite shows that have gotten cancelled in recent years.  Not only have these shows gotten the axe, but they weren't even on the radar of most folks.  So this is my chance to give props to some wonderful shows.  Let's begin. 

Traffic Light - Three guys in various states of relationships. I think you can watch it on Hulu Plus.  It's good, and the characters are all people I'd want to hang out with.  I'm still not sure why it got cancelled, but it was paired with Raising Hope, so I guess there's really no excuse.  The thing I looked forward to the most in this show were the conversations the guys have on speakerphone in their cars.  

Mr. Sunshine - Matthew Perry's ill fated return to television was solid in my book.  He was the manager of this arena and crazy things were always happening.  The real gem of the show was Allison Janney. (now that I think about it that sentence applies to pretty much anything she's in)  She is so funny.  I would propose to her if we ever met.  She crushes it in this show.  Her character is this kind of  female Jack Donaghy meets Tracy Jordan.  The first and only season is on dvd so I'm assuming it's available on Netflix.  Add it to your queue!  I think this clip is a fairly accurate representation of the show.

Dollhouse - This is definitely available on Netflix instant streaming.  I've been meaning to re-watch this, but with 17 episodes of GG in my dvr + the 20 minutes I have of free time a day, it'll be a while.  So the rundown: It's a Joss Whedon creation, so you know it's good. It's great because Eliza Dushku is on all these different types of missions every week so it never gets stale, but there's a huge arc over the course of the season for serialized drama junkies like me.  It's kind of like Alias in that respect.  I think you have to watch the first six episodes before you can decide if you like it or not.  The episode "Man on the Street" was when I knew I was in for the long haul.  Which turned out to be the short haul.  (2 seasons) But it was great while it lasted. Fran Kranz (the stoner in Cabin in the Woods) kills it as Topher, and Olivia Williams is one of my favorites for her work on this show.

R. Kelly Update!:

Kells is a flirt, he's the pied piper of R&B, he's been trapped in a closet, and most of all he's a musical genius.  R. Kelly's "Share my love" takes me back to the Happy People, Step in the Name of Love days.  I love it.  I see you Kells, now share some of those girls! 

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

I Know Sarah Silverman Believes in Her Smellf

Old Spice has been crushing the commercial game for a while now.  I mean obviously there's the "I'm the man your man could smell like" series.  Then there's all the Terry Crews explosion spots.  The vending machine one and the brain one always get me.  But today while I was minding my own business and semi watching PTI I saw this one.  Brilliance! + I love the cameo from one of my favorite actresses.

I am winning all the commercials...

I don't read books ever.  In fact, I even stay away from things like the Huffington Post because there are too many words.  Plus I don't wanna have anything to talk to hipsters about.  I just wanna calmly say, nope, I did not read that article on gluten free bread bowls in Africa blah blah somehow connects back to NPR.  Well the never reading books thing isn't entirely true because one book I did read, and *gulp* enjoyed...was Sarah Silverman's The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee.

Sarah Silverman is incredible.  I throw that word around a lot, but with Sarah it feels inadequate.  She's kind of the Michael Jordan of comedians.  I shouldn't say "the," she's one of the Michael Jordan's of comedians that emerged in the 2000s.  Am I over thinking that? Nevermind.  I remember when she came to campus I snuck into the box office and stole 50 tickets.  Didn't even use em.  I just wanted em.  Still got em.  I pretty much forced 10 of my friends to go and it was one of the greatest shows I've ever been to.  Anyway, back to The Bedwetter...It starts off with Sarah's childhood which, I'll be honest, I didn't really care about, in summary: she pissed herself a lot. But she quickly jumps into what it was like being a stand up in New York in lieu of going to college.  How she managed to convince her dad to let her take her tuition money and pursue her dream stills boggle me.  Fortunately, that investment paid off in a big way.  I literally laughed out loud several times while reading this book. I actually found myself not wanting to put it down.  I can't stress to you enough how much books do not appeal to me.  She's sharing pictures, emails, and funny stories about people.  She talks about her stint on SNL, her regrettable fashion choices, haters, stand up, life in new york, television, and of course the Sarah Silverman Program.  Which I wanna talk about, but before we get to that, a quick break.

This ESPN commercial is great.  i wouldn't mind getting paid to make these kind of commercials.  It's been a while since ESPN has done anything funny, but the last line on this one really kills me.  The basic premise is an average dude named Michael Jordan is cursed because he disappoints wherever he goes.

So back  to Sarah.  The Sarah Silverman Program is by far one of the most ambitious tv shows to ever hit the airways (<--yes that should be airwaves, I get it, I'm stupid!)  This thing lives in the absurd.  But the laughs are sooo good.  Honestly if I'm writing a show, I'd rather have jokes that hit really hard for the few that "get it," than do something ok that the masses eat up.  Sarah basically does the opposite of anything you'd expect a normal person to do.  It's on Netflix instant streaming so you should check out some of these episodes.  I'll personally vouch for all of these.  The episodes are 21 minutes long.  There's really no excuse.  Seasons are listed next to the eps.

I'm Sarah Silverman and I'm just like you!
"Batteries" (S1) - It's listed as episode 6, but it's the pilot, so this is a good one to start with to see if you'll like the show.  Sarah needs batteries + Sarah has a one night stand with god.   
"Kangamangus" (S2) - Sarah tries to start a new word.  I died laughing at this ep.

"A Good Van is Hard to Find" (S3)- Sarah likes pervert vans.

"Just Breve" (S3) -Sarah's neighbors Brain and Steve decide to have a baby together.  A robot baby named Breve.

"Ah, Men" (S2)- Sarah and "black" god start dating.  Things sour quickly.

"Muffin Man" (S1) - Jon Hamm is in it!  Sarah becomes a lesbian for Tig Notaro, and Brian and Steve have an epic / petty argument over tab.  Yes, the soda tab.

At this point it should be pretty clear that I'm totally in the tank for Ms. Silverman.  I hope she does more stand up, or tours, or writes another book or *something*, because I need this lady in my life!  I've got my fingers crossed that NBC picks up her show, but she's not making it any easier on herself.  Until next time folks.  

Monday, April 23, 2012

The (Why So) Serious Side of Samuel L. Jackson

Samuel L. Jackson is easily one of my top three favorite actors. The man has serious range...and he's been in like 400 movies. (Ok, not that many, but lots)  A lot of times when people think of Sam they go straight to the "oh yeah he plays crazy angry black guys!"  And he does, and I promise we will get to that later this week.  But today I just wanted to look at a few of his more serious performances.  And I say that knowing full well that even in these, the more ridiculous side of Samuel tends to find a way to make an appearance.  These are in no particular order, but I'm a big fan of without further adieu!

5.  Mother and Child (2009) - Sam one of the leads in this movie along with Naomi Watts, Annette Bening, Kerry Washington, and Jimmy Smits.  I'm not sure how many people saw this one since it had a limited release, but when I heard Sam and Naomi were in it I was sold.  They have pretty great chemistry in this movie too.  The evolution of their work relationship is compelling to say the least.  If you've got the time, you should check it out.  It's a solid character study that really picks apart, appropriately enough, the mother and child relationship or the lack thereof.

4.  A Time to Kill (1996) - a sleeper of a movie in that it has Matthew McConaughey, Sandra Bullock, Kevin Spacey, Ashley Judd, and Keifer Sutherland.  The subject matter is pretty grim as it deals with Samuel's daughter being raped and him subsequently killing the (white) man who did it.  I love this movie.  In hindsight, maybe that sentence should be right behind the previous one.  Despite the tragic circumstance that hangs over the movie it has lot of heart.  Heart, and of course the line that has been the subject of several parodies.

3.  Black Snake Moan (2006) - I love this movie because everything you need to know can be summed up in one sentence.  Samuel L. Jackson chains a white girl (Christina Ricci) up to a radiator.  It's sooo good though.  This is a prime example of one of those serious, but could easily go on my crazy Samuel list.  The wild thing is he manages to make it believable though.  Probably because he's not doing it to torture her.  He's trying to cure her promiscuity, which he believes is a sickness.  I think that's a testament to just how good of an actor he is.  But like the matrix, no one can really tell you what black snake moan is, you have to see it for yourself.

2.  Deep Blue Sea (1999) -  Another solid movie that has Sam playing a straight man for the most part.  This isn't a serious movie though as it's essentially LL Cool J fighting sharks.  I dunno about you, but I'm in.  Sprinkle in some SLJ and I'm all set.  He's one of the shark experts on the station and he gives this pump up speech that the movie is famous for.

1.  Jurassic Park (1993) - "Hold on to your butts."  Sam definitely sneaks into this one.  Only years after his performance did I realize the masterful work he did here.   There's the "bout two million," and then of course his iconic reaction to the work of Newman.

Later this week we're gonna look at Crazy Sam.  I can't wait!  See ya tmw

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Things I want for my birthday

Here is a list of some things that you could get me that don't cost money but would make me the happiest person alive.  So feel free to put any of these in motion if you've got the time and/ or resources.

1.   A Date with Jennifer Lawrence. -  All I need is one date.  I feel like I could be the George Costanza to her Marisa Tomei.  Guys let's focus on making this one happen ok?      

2.   To be interviewed and a play a game (preferably water war) on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

3.   A video of Kate Beckinsale pronouncing my name DAR (as in bar) -ius.   I love that.

4.   Have someone sneak me into an advance screening of The Dark Knight Rises.

5.   A Skype date with Tina Fey. - When I meet Tina Fey I'll probably freak out and make a fool of myself.  Or completely squander the opportunity by saying something stupid like "I love you" while sobbing uncontrollably on the floor Kristen-Bell-Meets-a-Sloth style. Seriously guys, this is an actual concern of mine.  A skype date would help me keep my cool and be better prepared for an in person meeting with Tina.  You know, the meeting where me and her talk about this great idea for a show we wanna do together.  Then we become best friends, finish each others sentences, and I do silly things that elicit this reaction from her.

and Real quick:  How about this RG3 commercial with Childish Gambino playing in the background?!  I know I should be squarely on the Andrew Luck bandwagon, but I'm just as invested in RG3's success. This commercial has got me hype.  I'm excited for tmw to be here.  I'll be super busy, but trust, we got lot's of fun stuff for the last full week of BEDA coming.  Leggo!

Saturday, April 21, 2012

My President is Black

This picture has been floating around the internet and I just got around to it.  Obama sitting in the Rosa Parks bus.  I don't normally say this but SWAG!  

Best scene in Mad Men ever?  I'm referring to Don's "carousel" speech.  It's in the season finale of season 1.  I kind of blazed through the first three seasons so this didn't really resonate with me until I watched it again today, but damn! OK Mad Men, I SEE YOU!

Back tmw. bye!

Friday, April 20, 2012

America's Next Top Model Did What!?

Blog every day in April.  I've gotta admit, it's been rough, but now that we're coming down the home stretch I feel like I've got my second wind.  I've got some posts I'm really excited about lined up for M-F.  So what do we talk about until then?  Top Model of course.
Tyra canned Nigel.  NOTED FASHION PHOTOGRAPHER NIGEL BARKER!!!  And I read on my version of the Huffington Post TMZ that Jay and Ms. Jay got the axe as well.  I understand that they want to add a new energy to the show, but I'm sorry Tyra, those are your FRIENDS.  I get that it's just business, but I dunno about this.  I just feel that there needs to be a little bit more loyalty there.  Even if she wanted to remove them from the judges panel and have them only work with the models during challenges/shoots, I could have gotten down with that, but this really upsets me.  Maybe they'll be involved off camera, but from the sound of things, Nigel is pretty pissed so I doubt it.  I don't know what went wrong.  I used to be really into the show.  Like obsessed.  Mostly because this blog by Rich Juzwiak posted hilarious recaps from week to week.  But in recent seasons I haven't really been sucked in.  It's probably because of over saturation.  I mean top model is on all year +  A lot of the draw depended upon having people to root for/against, and there are just better products for that available now.  ANTM is kind of a Grandma to other reality shows.  Oh well, I wish them the best, and depending upon who Tyra chooses as replacements I might watch the first ep, but that's about it.

This vid pretty much sums up the show. Courtesy of FourFour.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Sara Bareilles Gets in the Low Block and Does Work

I'm just behind on everything, but I'm at least trying to get caught up on sleep.  So quick post tonight.

RIP Cash Cab. You will be missed.

Who knew Sara Bareilles had a documentary out?  Turns out my girl has been busy spending some time in Japan performing and volunteering in communities devastated by the Tsunami.  This is the kind of story that reinforces why I like Sara so much.  I probably would have said something sooner had I not unfollowed her on twitter.  I just felt like she wasn't contributing anything + she doesn't respond to tweets.  But that's not the point, I love her music, and her spirit, and I'm not at all surprised that she felt compelled to use her fame to help people who've had their worlds turned upside down by a natural disaster.  I haven't had time to check this out yet, but it's on my weekend queue.  I loved the first five minutes though.  Her voice is pure serenity!  Anyway...See yall tmw.    

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Past (earnings), Present (shows), and Odd Future (developments)

So Forbes did a little reconnaissance and found out the five wealthiest hip hop moguls.  Let's take a look at this.

5. Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson - $100 Million

Look, 100 million dollars is a lot of money.  But most of that came from vitamin water.  Fif's had a hard time recapturing the critical acclaim of "Get Rich or Die Tryin."  But I still don't wanna get on 50's bad side.  Plus, you could look at 50's worth from a baseball perspective.  Imagine 50 is a defensive shortstop that only drives in 50 runs, but then saves 100 runs from scoring.  That's like driving in 150 runs.  How is this applicable?  Well, there's no doubt in my mind 50 probably cost Ja Rule somewhere in the neighbor of 50 to 100 million + Ja is in jail. In a nutshell, 50 ruined his life through spoken word.  Remember, whatever you do, don't "What's up?" him.  

classic 50. start at 38 seconds if you have to.

4. Bryan “Birdman” Williams – $125 Million

This is about right.  Birdman started cash money, which discovered lil wayne, who has spun off young money, which brought us drizzy, and nicki minaj...and since they have appeal outside of a black fan base they aren't going anywhere.  I mean what the fuck is starships?  Pete Rosenberg actually has the hilarious answer to that question.

Diddy finds a 1 in his stack on Benjamins. Diddy is confused.
3. Andre “Dr. Dre” Young – $270 Million

270 million reasons why there's still no detox.  A sizable chunk has to be from those Beats by Dre headphones.  I want a pair, but I can't really justify $200 bucks on headphones.  I feel like the buyers remorse would be overwhelming. Btw, who had Tupac coming back from the dead before detox dropped?

2. Shawn “Jay-Z” Carter – $460 Million

Not sure what B's worth is, but she makes like 90 million a year so I honestly have no idea how the Jigga man stays motivated.

1. Sean “Diddy” Combs – $550 Million

???? your guess is as good as mine. This man has had flop after flop after flop, but he keeps coming back.  take dat! take dat!

I remember reading about Loiter Squad a while ago, but I didn't know it was actually on.  It's essentially Odd Future's take on Jackass.  I think Johnny Knoxville produces it too.  But for the uninitiated, Odd Future is a hip hop group headed up by Tyler the Creator.  These guys are weird.  Really weird.  But some of their music is tight.  A lot of it is offensive.  But it's different.  It feels new and unsettling.  Check this performance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.  I felt so uncomfortable for Jimmy and Felicia Day when these guys wearing masks at the beginning (0:22) ran over to them (2:40).  Felicia wasn't scared though so mad props to her.  Anyway, back to their version of Jackass.  It's got some funny moments.  It's got some absurd moments.  But one in particular seems to blend the two perfectly and really stood out to me.  This sketch / man on the street bit that starts at 2 minutes.  It's really funny.

 Ok about Girls...I didn't think it was as funny as I'd been told.  Some of that was probably the Hangover effect.  I didn't see it until a month after it came out.  But some of it might be how Nurse Jackie is technically a comedy, but to me it's more of a drama.  To be clear, I thoroughly enjoyed Girls, and it's promising, but I wonder if HBO decided it would be more difficult to sell a female drama than a female comedy considering the success of Bridesmaids.  I dunno. I found this pic interesting though.  Thoughts?

Sour grapes?
I am so pumped behind this Arrested Development news! Basically the whole season will be available at once.  On top of that, the whole idea of each episode focusing on one character is out the window.  So we'll be getting a true fourth season.  Now here's where I'm conflicted.  The creators are mum on the movie now.  Meaning it looks more likely that there will be a season 5 (and fingers crossed season 6) as opposed to a movie.  Which is amazing, but I was pretty excited to see the gang on the big screen.  They'll probably get to it eventually because there's too much money not to...right?  All I know is they better bring back plant!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

"On Your Back"

I don't really like sports science because I think it makes simple things a little too complex for the sake of making John Brenkus feel important, but shout out to Stanford TE Coby Fleener for getting featured.  Skip to 2 minutes.  Coby vs.  the sumo wrestlers is hilarious.  Well, it's been long day, and somebody ran up charges on my bank account so I'm gonna go to sleep and try again tmw.  Better posts in the future! 

Monday, April 16, 2012


Just a little housekeeping first....Dear Cat Owners, your cat's not funny.  In the future, please be private about the things your cat does.

So you know what the big story from Coachella was? Yeah, "Tupac" performed.  Yes a holographic "Tupac" performed over the weekend.  I've been one of those people that thought Tupac might still be alive somewhere, but it's clear to me now that Tupac is 100% dead.  I just have to believe that if Tupac was alive he would have found a way to nix this foolishness.

First, what does it say that a hologram was the main takeaway from the weekend? Means the rest of the shit was either business as usual or wack.  But real talk, people need to get off my timeline talking about a hologram.  First of all, Tupac didn't performed.  AIR performed, the shit that's literally every *fuckin* where performed.  I just don't see the difference between what happened at Coachella and a music video.  If I use my imagination Tupac can be in my crib taking a bubble bath. FOR FREE. 

I'm sorry, but we gotta do better.  Every person at Coachella should have turned their back to the stage.  Why wasn't anyone asking the tough questions?  Oh so you didn't book anybody for this slot?  You're just gonna shine some light on the stage and play some music?  And I'm supposed to be excited about this?

Not me...I'm cool on all that..  

Editors note: Cats playing with Ipads ARE funny.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Sunday Sketches

I love writing sketches, so today I figured I'd switch it up.  Here's a silly sketch I wrote + a picture of Tina Fey in a killer red dress.

Eat the soup
By Darius

Wife: Eat the Soup. 
Dad: No thanks.
Wife: Larry, Eat your soup it’s getting cold.
D: (Playing with it, moving it around) Naw I’m good.
W: You never eat what I cook anymore.
D: Listen to me! I’m not eating that soup! I'd rather eat a KFC double down while listening to Rebecca Black's new mixtape "The Day after Friday."
W: Then you’re not getting any sex until you eat the soup.
D: Fine!......I’ll just take care of myself. (smug smile)
W: Why won’t you eat the soup Larry?
D:  Look at it!  Something’s not right. Like that time Ke$ha performed live!
W: That’s the stupidest reason I’ve heard for anything.
D:  Really, well 9 out of 10 doctors say don’t eat the soup.
W:  You went to 10 doctors and asked them if you should eat my soup?
D: Yeah, and that 10th doctor was a fuckin Psycho!! Tellin me to eat the soup…It's real easy to sit back and tell somebody else to eat the soup.
W:  It’s just soup Larry.
D: You may say it’s just soup, but I think this soup has aids.  Look, I can the see the aids in it. Just swimming around. 
W:  You can’t get anything from eating soup.
D:  You don’t know that! What if my pancreas falls out!?!?!
W: You will eat the soup Larry. D: I'll eat that soup as soon as Lamar Odom sobers up and divorces Khloe!
W Pulls out a gun
W:You eat that fucking soup or I will pull the trigger!
D turns and looks at wife
W: Eat it! (forcefully gesturing with the gun)
Larry, quivering brings the spoon to his mouth. *takes a sip*
D:  Not bad, what is this, chicken noodle? 
W: Yup.
Tina wondering if she should read the alternate ending
ALTERNATE ENDING (disclaimer: this one is much stupider, and weirder)
you know what, don't read's stupid.
 starts at:...what if my pancrease falls out!?!??

W: Let’s ask the kids
W: kids! Get in here
Tommy enters
W: Tommy, would you like to try some soup. 
D frantically motioning No
W: looks at D.
D stops waving
M looks back at Tommy
Tommy: ummmmm…….I’d love some soup mom!
D: You big Dummy!
Tommy eats the soup.  Tommy becomes a Zombie
(Zombie) Olivia enters: I love my soup. Dad eat your soup
 D: What have you done!?!?
W: You will eat the soup Larry.
D: No I won’t
W Pulls out a gun
You eat that fucking soup or I will pull the trigger!
D turns and looks at wife
W: Eat it! (forcefully gesturing with the gun)
Kids: [chanting, but separately saying] eat the soup.
Larry sits down, is about to eat the soup, quivering brings the spoon to his mouth.
W: yes that's it.  Soon my zombie army will be complete.
Enter Federal Agent
FA: Drop your weapon! And for the love of God don't eat that soup! I’m a federal agent!
W: The FBI! Shit! 
W hurriedly drinks the soup, dies
Agent:  runs to wife, she’s dead….Dammit!!!! It's a good thing you didn't eat the soup...
D:   You're tellin me...what do you say we go get some KFC double downs to celebrate.
FA: Cool.
Voiceover: This dramatic reenactment has been brought to you by the anti-soup alliance in partnership with the KFC double down.  So much chicken there wasn't room for a bun.    

Saturday, April 14, 2012

7 Minutes in Heaven

I forget how I stumbled upon this web series, but I'm pretty sure it was because I was on a Tina Fey youtube bender and got side tracked into some Kristen Wiig.  I don't have much to say other than you should really check out SNL writer Mike O' Brien's 7 Minutes in Heaven.  He's had Tracy Morgan, Kristen Wiig, Amy Poehler, Connie Britton and a slew of other wonderful guests.  7 Minutes is this wonderful mix of really weird Q and A / bizarre role play.  My favorite part though, BY FAR, has to be when Mike tries to go in for the kiss at the end of each episode.  I mean it is 7 Minutes in Heaven so he's gotta do it, and depending on how receptive his guest is, the ending usually kills me.

Check Wiig, cuz she's doing the most.

Check Amy, cuz at the very least the ending is too good to miss.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Tina, Movies, and Guest Speakers

This made me laugh today.  Apparently a woman hired a sexy PI to see if her husband was cheating and he hooked up with the sexy PI.  Kudos to that guy for completely flipping the script.

"some people wait a lifetime for a moment like thissss! *drops mic*" -cheaters everywhere

Office Reboot?  NBC, please, shut it down.

Of course Tina Fey / the reason this blog even exists was on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last night.  Words can't even describe how badly I want to work with her.  If she joined twitter I would totally be her twitter groupie.   Plus I'm pumped about this live episode of 30 Rock...the energy on the live shows is just unreal. Add to that the news that Donald Glover will be back in his old haunts to play Tracy, and I'm all set.  I mean he killed it his last time on the show.

So I was gonna go see Cabin in the Woods and I was like, ehh it's raining, and then I found out that Joss Whedon co-wrote it.  Let's go!  I don't know as much about horror movies as my boy Kole, but I know when a scary movie is in my wheel house and this one looks like fun. 

In the blankest of blank stare news, Lil B guest lectured at NYU.  Yes the self proclaimed #basedgod, (I don't even know what that means) gave a lecture at NYU.  Yes the same man that weeks ago released his new single, "I'ma eat her ass," ON YOUTUBE can be heard rambling at NYU for the reasonable price of 40,000 per year.  These kids parents have gotta be disappointed.  I don't even know what to make of this news.  If Lil B can "lecture" at NYU then I guess follow your dreams kids, anything is possible!..(if 50 f***ked Vivica)


Thursday, April 12, 2012

Red Band Trailer

You know who's cool as shit? Brook Busey aka Diablo Cody.  I wouldn't mind being her best friend one bit. Duh Juno is my Jam, who didn't like Juno, but everything she's done since then has made me truly appreciate her gift as a writer.  I LOVED Jennifer's Body, and not just because Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried are mind numbingly hot.  No, that movie had me rolling laughing the entire time.  [And scared as shit too.  My roommates were out of town for the weekend, and the whole night I thought Megan Fox was going to come out of the dark and eat me alive.  Which...might not be the worst way to die... but at the time LOST hadn't aired it's final episode so I had a lot to live for...anyway]

There's just something about the way her characters interact.  The dialogue in Diablo movies are really all I need in life.  I bet she writes killer emails.  But I know I'm still getting over the United States of Tara not being on my television this spring.  Especially when Two and a Half Men will probably go on for another five or six years.  It's not fair.  You mean to tell me there's no room in the budget for USOT!! Cmon CBS!  Every one of those characters in USOT felt real and summed up why I watched television.  Then of course there's Young Adult which I thought was brilliant.  One of my friends though it was boring because nothing happened.  And I mean, Mission Impossible 4 it is not, but the main character is so perfectly fucked up and well put together at the same time.  It's been a while since I've seen it, so I can't fully describe the nuances of Mavis, but she's an incredible character. 

So why are we here today?  Well if you don't know, and you probably do, Diablo has her own web series titled Red Band Trailer where she interviews celebs in a trailer that sits in her driveway.  She's great at getting people to let down their guard and just be real.  These people are her friends after all.  She's had some great guests though.  Amanda Seyfried, John Krasinski, Zooey Deschanel, Joel McHale, Adam Scott, Mindy Kaling, Kristen Bell, and of course my girl Sarah Silverman.  I haven't even watched this interview with Sarah, but trust, I'm about to as soon as this is finished.

I really wanna talk about Sarah too, but we've got a month, and I wanna put some time into my musings involving The Sarah Silverman Program and The Bedwetter.  Anyway, enjoy Sarah and Diablo chillin in the trailer.  Should be good.  I'll be back tomorrow.     

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Trust Issues

Pretty much nothing happens on Mad Men.  That's cool with me.  But I couldn't let this gem from this past Sunday go unrecognized.  This Peggy and Roger exchange is priceless.  If you're not caught up, don't worry, it's not really a spoiler, because like I said, nothing happens on this show.  Unless of course I spoiled the fact that Peggy and Roger aren't dead.  So for that I apologize.  Maybe it's only funny to me, but I enjoyed this scene so much I had to share.  If you don't watch Mad Men maybe this will convince you to give one of the best shows on television a shot.

Alyson was talking about Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23 today, and as the day went on it seemed like a lot of people are talking about the show.  Which begs the question, WHY WON'T ABC PROMOTE COUGAR TOWN!?  Turns out, when you tell people a show is on and act like it's really good, people will believe you and tune in.  That honestly upsets me.  But more power to don't trust the B.  Krysten Ritter is great.  My friend was visiting the set of Breaking Bad once and apparently she was entertaining the crew between takes by killing "Let The Beat Build," by lil wayne.  That's my kind of woman.

Not my kind of woman, would have to be any of the 50+ Hottest Women Currently in Prison list I stumbled upon today.  First of all, I'm not gonna get down with a girl that is both hot and a criminal.  Cuz when you're with somebody really hot you overlook the little things.  And I feel like if I'm gonna date somebody who may or may not smother me in my sleep I need to give myself the benefit of any and all context clues.

Listen Melanie, if you take things from people...things that aren't yours...and beat them up...or run them over with your car to get no longer fall into the realm of good girl.
You're a sweet Georgia peach? no, let's start over Stephanie. I'm thinking something like, "I'm a girl with a mean streak and a perfect smile, and if you try me I might rob you at gun point, and sometimes I say things like "Do you wanna die tonight!?"  oh, and I was born in Georgia.  

I feel like there's an or else at the end of that statement.  Girl who likes cocaine + good with bullets = bad combo.

Translation: I'm weak minded and I could probably be talked into helping someone kill you.

and what? and strikes? pent up rage? ideas for how to not get caught? PASS!

Perfection!?!? Bitch you're LOCKED UP!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

I like to blog about things and sometimes people read it

I miss the big glasses of the Hills.
 Just barely made it in under the deadline today.  This real life + blogging everyday is no joke.  But I got this. 

Lo's twitter bio upsets me.  You remember Lo (far right), from the hills. Well this is her twitter bio.

"I like to write stuff sometimes."

I guess she's a blogger now (?), kinda like how pauly d is a dj or something.  I dunno, it hurts my head to think about it.  I hate that this style of writing is a thing now.  Kudos to Mindy Kaling for opening my eyes to this foolishness.

I mean, wouldn't you be upset if Kobe's twitter bio was, "I like to throw a ball through a hoop and sometimes people pay to watch it."

Well I finally saw Jeff Who Lives at Home this past weekend, and I had no idea that Judy Greer was in it because I don't watch trailers for movies that I want to see.  Anyway, the movie was fantastic.  I'm starting to think that I'm just a Jason Segel fanboy because whatever he's in seems to resonate with me.  As borderline cheesy as the destiny theme was, I liked it a lot.  Plus Ed Helms and Jason have great chemistry.  There are a lot of laughs, and overall it's a really warm movie.  Go see it!  We need more movies like this and less Wrath of the Titans in 3-D.  

But back to Judy.

She's probably best know for her work on arrested as Kitty Sanchez.  She's been nailing it ever since.  She's kinda got the perfect amount of fame.  Like famous and recognizable, but she's not gonna get harassed or be on tmz.  I would never wanna be Brad Pitt famous and be bigger than any movie I was ever in.  Guy can't go to McDonalds without making news. What I don't understand is why Judy is always cast as the friend.  I think the first movie I saw her in was 13 Going on 30, (yes, I saw 13 Going on 30, and NO, I don't want to talk about it!)  She's always the bridesmaid or the funny friend.  Except for Miss Guided, a short lived show that I loved.  It  was produced by Ashton and featured Judy as a counselor returning to her old school.  It even had Parnell.  I honestly have no idea what's going on at ABC.  But that's another rant for another time.

So next movie on my real life queue is The Five-Year Engagement. Emily Blunt, Jason Segel, Mindy Kaling, Alison Brie, and Kevin Hart!  Can't go wrong there.  Oh, if Jennifer Lawrence has a cameo in it my head will explode.  I'm out. 

Monday, April 9, 2012

Twitter Heros, Appeals, and (intentional) Mishaps

There’s something to say about starting your day off on the right note.  I knew today was going to be a great day when I checked my email and there in my inbox was an email from Jen FREAKIN Statsky!  Jen is a writer for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and is currently putting on a masterclass in twitter.   She could have told me to go fuck myself, and I would still have been pumped.  The worst is getting ignored, but she did neither, in fact she couldn't have been sweeter.  I sent her an email telling her how great she was and she was basically like thanks for being so nice.  I'll take it!  I feel like I should say something in return, but I don't wanna come off as a spaz.  I mean best case scenario we're looking at no response.  
But seriously, follow her on twitter!  She's got it all figured out.

I love that the Saints appealed their NFL suspensions.  In case you don't know how the process works, basically the commissioner, Roger Goodell, suspends players or coaches for as long as he sees fit.  If you disagree with your punishment, you are of course allowed to the commissioner.   *blank stare*  Well no surprise here as Roger Goodell decided to rule in favor of himself and uphold the Saints suspensions.  I dunno about you, but this warms my hearts.  Cheaters never prosper!!!! ahahahahahah!!!!!!

Well, Anne Hathaway did it.  All hot girls fuck their heads up cut their hair off at some point.  As someone with little to no hair, I don’t get it.  My best friend did it sophomore year and I just remember not talking to her for about a year.  I'm not a horrible person!! She lived off campus and was never around!!! But this is Anne's Fiance's problem now.  I know that's not what he signed up for.  Truth be told, I'm not here to make fun of Anne.  Girl is probably gorgeous bald headed BUT....the picture down below is mad suspect.  Own it girl!

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Happy Easter!!!

Hey guys, well I hope you have a wonderful Easter Sunday!  I'm gonna go kick it with the fam and study for a test I have tomorrow.   So this will be brief, but calm down, I got you!  I'm not gonna leave you without an Easter present.  Enjoy some classic Turk dance moves.  If I learn this routine I feel like I'll be set for life.  Skip to 32 seconds if you must.  Meet back here tmw?  great! 

Girl. I. Must. Warnnn youuuuuuu....

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Saturday Roundup: SNL, Mugshot Pimpin, and Awake

Amanda Bynes.  Amanda you know better.  I remember an interview from a while back about how she wasn't into partying and was above the LiLo/paris Hilton crap.   And for the most part she is, but she got a DUI for clipping a cop car this week.  Full disclosure, I love her, (I legit need What I Like About You Season 2 to come out on DVD) and I'm not looking to pile on, but I can't defend my girl for driving drunk.  I'm just glad nobody was hurt.  That's one thing I can actually applaud Jersey Shore for ..."CABS ARE HERE!!"

On a lighter note, her mugshot wasn't nick nolte awful, but it wasn't Paris Hilton chic either.  I don't think anyone will every top Paris in that regard.  She's doing some masterful shit with mugshots right now.

2007. Incredibly strong outing for a rookie.  Her composure under pressure is uncanny.
2008. Avoids the sophomore slump by throwing hair over her shoulder and smiling with her eyes.  Before the picture is taken she knows she nailed it.

2010.  Cements her legacy as the greatest of all-time. (Notice the lone braid, pure wizardry)  When she retires she'll go straight to the mugshot hall of fame.

People should be watching Awake.  The pilot isn't on Hulu anymore (it is on Hulu plus) but I'm sure you can find it online and worst case scenario you can download it on Itunes for 2 bucks.  It's worth it.  It's just such a cool premise.  A guy gets in a car accident and then his world splits into 2; one where his wife survives, and one where his son lives.  Whenever he goes to sleep he "wakes up" in the other world.  Also, Wilmer Valderrama is on the show, and I still love him from his Yo Momma days.  If you're still a little iffy on it peep the trailer.

Finally Sofia Vergara Hosts SNL tonight.  I'm really excited for this.  They have to do a modern family sketch right?  I'm guessing she'll play Selma Hayek at some point.  Will there be Modern Family cameos?  I'm rooting for a "What's up with That?" sketch so I can see Sudeikis running around + I need Stefon on the air after such a long break in between shows.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Updated Power Rankings #'s 5-1

As promised my top five.  No time to waste.  Let's get right to it!
(11-6 are here)

5.  Jennifer Lawrence - Yesterday Fox agreed to move the shooting of the X-Men sequel to January so she can film Catching Fire in time for a November 2013 release. (yes!) Jennifer seems like the ultimate chill chick.  It's probably because she has 2 older brothers.  Also, I can't believe I forgot that she was in The Beaver.  She's doing the most right now.  I feel like Hunger Games uber success won't change her though. Check her talk show circuit interviews, the girl is good off the cuff.

4.  Rashida Jones - Ann Perkins!  Rashida just makes everything she's in better.  The Office, The Social Network, Our Idiot Brother, and of course Parks and Rec.  I was so happy when I found out she was attached to Parks and Rec.  I feel like she exudes cool, sexy, funny humility.  But I guess that's gonna happy when your dad is a huge music exec and you hang out with Michael Jackson growing up.  


3.  Kate Beckinsale -  I've been on this British actress kick for a minute.  I was actually going back and forth between whether I should put Emily Blunt or Kate here, and I went with Kate because of my recent infatuation with the Underworld franchise.  Truth be told, I wouldn't have even started watching had it not been for her interview on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.  She was so natural and funny that I wanted to see more of her.  I've got whiteout on the netflix queue while I wait for the last Underworld to come out on DVD.  If you still need proof that she's got quite the sense of humor, here's Kate crushing it on Chelsea Lately.


2.  Beth Behrs - I can't stress enough how much 2 Broke Girls needs her.  I feel like she gets overlooked by the general public when people talk about this show, but sorry Kat Dennings just isn't doing it for me.  I came for Kat and stayed for Beth.  Hopefully she uses this hiatus to make a movie because I need more of this woman in my life.  I honestly would not be upset if 2 Broke Girls got cancelled and another network picked her up.  

1.  Anna Faris -  Words can't even begin to fully describe how I feel about this woman.  Ok she's hot, but that's not even 5% of her appeal.  Anna is ridiculously funny.  I feel like she would be a riot to hang out and have a beer with.  I'll see just about any movie she's in with the exception of Yogi Bear and any Squeakquels.  Her facial expressions + that voice that she does to make her sound clueless = comedic gold.  Even her bad movies, like Smiley Face, are hilarious if you just focus on what Anna is doing.  I thoroughly enjoyed House Bunny because of Anna, and I'm pretty sure that movie sucked. I almost bought What's Yo Number, because of Anna.  Her arc on entourage is probably my favorite guest arc of that entire series.  If Anna is in something, sign me up, oh and this SNL sketch was great.  Anna and Kenan on a date in the middle of a lake and they sing their inner monologues.  If you've got 5 check it.  You won't be disappointed.