Sunday, October 27, 2013

The First Line of Jay Z's "Holy Grail" Confuses Me

One of the hottest songs of the summer still confuses me so yesterday I decided to shoot Randiesel an email hoping he could clear things up for me.

This is Hov's first line of Holy Grail:

I still think the youtube video was hotter than the whole album but we'll get to that later this week.
Blue told me remind you n*ggas,F*ck that sh*t y'all talkin' bout, I'm the n*gga

(note: for the uninitiated, Blue is Jay's daughter.  She's 22 months old.)

Simple enough right? Wrong.  That shit is cryptic as hell.

Here are my questions:

1.  Did blue tell him to remind us about something then he's like "f*ck that shit, i'm the n*gga"  --- essentially saying, f*ck whatever blue told him to remind us about because he's in charge.  like is he dissing blue?

2.  Is Blue aware of all the other n*ggas running around (thinking they are the king of new york etc) and she's like, no jay, f*ck all that sh*t, you're that n*gga.  If so, blue is incredibly advanced as i believe i was blissfully unaware of the status of my father at that age.

3.  Getting back to number one, maybe it's not a direct diss of blue, but just as he's about to remind us what blue is telling he says "f*ck that sh*t."  that's a fact.  so whatever blue told him he's officially off that.  then he decides to declare he's that n*gga.

Randiesel's response:

1. I don't think Jay is dissing blue. that would be crazy, a father daughter diss track. And blue can't even defend herself!!! I feel like he's saying like when he says "f*ck that shit i'm the n*gga", he's saying.... you right blue good call. I mean if i could influence one line in Jay's song that's a win.

2. I think blue is the most aware. I could see her in Jays ear all day, talking about (Lance) Kendricks (Perkins) Lamar, A$AP Rocky, etc. I feel like she is real critical of other rappers out there right now, and is pretty upset with hip hop in general. I wonder what her thoughts on Yeezus were?

3. Whoa, i see what you did there, you right. Maybe he's like, wow, even blue questioning me? I don't know. And it's like, I feel like beyonce's gotta be in blue's ear saying like "don't disturb jay in the studio". I feel like blue ruined studio time for this one.


BONUS
4. When jay is like "but look what that did to Hammer" and "look what that did to tyson".... like is he taking free shots? No one is like...hey man lay off hammer, hey lay off tyson. Like these dudes have been through a lot. I feel like jay is the floyd money mayweather of rappers. he's taking shots at guys he know he can beat. like hammer's not gonna bounce back and create a jay diss track. well played jay, get your guaranteed money

[Editors note:  This isn't the first time Jay's gone after Hammer either (see So Appalled), but props to Hammer for not taking it lying down.]

5. I'll leave it at this, this is safe for work. http://www.buzzfeed.com/regajha/the-17-most-inexplicable-comments-on-beyoncas-in

Alright...that's all I got for today.  The Hiatus is over.  New season of the blog starts this week. I'm out!

Saturday, July 27, 2013

July 27th, 2012 - The Day I Realized I Was Too Fat

About a year ago a girl broke up with me.  It was pretty rough, because I was pretty sure I was going to marry this girl.  She seemed perfect.  She was was smart, laughed at my jokes, was gorgeous and played along with all my bits.  Then one day I asked her to dinner and she she said she couldn't because she was going to dinner with this other guy. UMM, NO...No you're not.  We're dating.  To which she then assured me we weren't 0_o and that we were just friends + she didn't see it going anywhere else.  I won't really get into details, because I wrote another really butthurt bitter post which I later deleted.  Point being.  I came to a realization that night.


I always knew I was funny.  That was always my crutch.  That was my go to move, my Dirk one-leg-up jumper, my LL Cool J lip licking, my Taylor Swift breakup anthem writing.  At the very least, people would hang around me because they wanted to laugh.  Outside of that, I never really felt like I had that much to offer.

Especially not to girls.  Fortunately, I was smart enough to play to my strengths, but the way I looked just started to become too much to overlook.

I think what made it so difficult is that food was kind of always there for me.  Food was my best friend, my confidant, and my rock.  My parents don't understand that my first love isn't working for some company for 50 years and then retiring.  In my heart I feel like I have so much to offer the world and maybe 3% of that is making planes at Boeing.  I want to work with Tina Fey.  I want to write, I want to make people laugh.  I want to inform. Believe me when I say that I need to spend time working as a sports reporter and a news anchor before I die.  I want to be in front of people and changing the world.

But looking back I think I mostly wanted (want?) to be accepted.  Food always accepted me.

As I get older, I look around and everybody is pairing off. You know in high school when you have to find a partner for a project and everyone kind of already knows who they want to work with? So you ask this girl and fuck, she's already working with Steve, so you wait for the class to pair up and see who doesn't have a partner...It's a very disheartening process and it's happening right now. People are getting engaged, having babies,  and highjacking holidays on facebook with their announcements; sometimes its just too much.

Remember in college when all of your friends are five minutes away and you can always pop in?  Well it's the exact opposite of that now.  I feel like there was this mass exodus and I'm right at the center of it.  My closest friends live at least 1500 miles away.  My friends here are pretty much all in serious relationships and living these incredibly domestic lifestyles. Meanwhile, I'm alone, at home, with food.

Have a bad day, go to jack in the box at 2 AM and that'll fix it (800 calories).  No one wants to hang?  Maybe go catch a movie by yourself and swing by burger king after (1000 calories).

So fast forward to when I finally find a girl I could see myself marrying, (ok) that's in St. Louis (OKAY!), that apparently enjoys my company (LET'S GO!), but just wants to be friends.  That was the last straw.  I felt broken and discarded and I knew I never wanted to feel that way again.

July 27th, 2012

As bitter as I was, it's what I needed to get me to July 27th.  That's the day I finally worked up the courage to step on a scale.  I knew I was big, I knew I was overweight, but I was thinking I was somewhere in the range of 240-260.  That's pretty much where I've always been since adulthood.  So I hopped on the scale.  I looked down and all I felt was devastation, in it's its purest, most concentrated form. 

I was 290 pounds.  I was 26 years old.

I was more scared than ashamed.  More alarmed than upset.  I felt like I couldn't breath.  I think I was having a panic attack; I didn't want to be 300 pounds.  300 pounds AND alone forever.  The more I think about it, I'm not so sure I wanted to marry that girl.  I think I just wanted to NOT be alone forever.  Anyway, I have so many dreams and desires and I still want to host SNL.  I thought, how am I going to do that looking like this? 

Here's the thing about losing weight.  It sucks, and it takes a really long time.  I get why it's something a lot of people want to do, but struggle to stay dedicated to.  It reminds me of a video that Randy sent me a while back which basically illustrated the idea of just "wanting something so badly that you're consumed by it."  You want it to the point where that's it.  That's all you want.  There's nothing else you want more.  And that's where I was with losing weight

So I started by reducing my calories consumed.  I googled just how many calories I needed to get by.  It looked like 800.  Sounded good to me.  (I came to find out much later that I was putting an incredible strain on my body and men should never consumer less than 1500 calories a day)  I guess I should take a step back and show you what I was eating.


 
Breakfast: 

2 Sausage Biscuits (830 calories)

1 Hashbrown (215 calories)

2 cups of OJ (240 calories)

Lunch:

Cheeseburger (450 calories)

Fries (450 calories)

Soda/ Juice (200 calories)

Dinner:

2 Chicken Sandwiches (800 calories)

Fries (400 calories)

Powerade (180 calories)

AND WE'RE STILL NOT DONE!

Pre-sleep snack! (yes, definitely going to need something to get me through this vigorous sleeping I'm about to partake in)


Donut (300 calories)

Glass of Milk (100 calories)

That's over 4,000 calories a day fam.  That's mad unsustainable.

Sidebar: Crazy thing is, it's not a lot of food, (ok the donut is taking a bit far) but it's cheap and calorically rich.  It helps explain how people can live in poverty and also be overweight. End Sidebar.

It was tough, because on my new diet, I was HUNGRY.  Like I imagine I was dealing with the same kind of impulses that Justin Beiber has when he sees there's a perfectly piss free bucket in a restaurant.  Regardless, I ditched the fast food and snacks cold turkey, (now eat a lot of grilled chicken.)  I actually started working out, (3-4 times a week)  and then the pounds started to shed.  I'll never forget about three weeks after dieting I was down to 278.  That was pretty much my proudest day.  I knew I was on the right track.  Sure no one could tell, but I mean, who can blame them? Fat is fat.  But I knew.  I knew that if I kept it up and stayed focused and wanted it more than anything else I could turn my life around.

July 27th, 2013 












As of this morning I'm at 196.  I'm hoping to lose about 13 more pounds, but that's it.  I'm not meant to be a super skinny guy.  I just want to be healthy. The past year has been really hard, but I want to thank my friends for being incredibly supportive.  I love you guys.  All the comments and encouragement have meant the world to me.
 I'm back.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Game 7 Burning Questions

The big game is tonight.  Heat vs. Spurs in game 7 of the 2013 NBA Finals.  I've got some questions.  


How many minutes will LeBron’s headband see?
Set the over / under at 25 minutes.

Whose game will it be?
LeBron fingerprint game, D-Wade wake up game, Manu Wake-up game, bench blow up game, Tim Duncan Legacy game?  I’m not sure.  I’m guessing the rare LeBron *takeover*  game (38-8-5) coupled with a big heat three.  Whether it’s Mike “I may look like a racist, but I’m not” Miller, 2k13 Ray Allen, or Chalmers.  It sure ain’t gonna be Bosh.  He'll be happy as long as he can do this:

What N the Hell Chris? SMH...

Will the Birdman soar?
Best nickname to talent ratio in the entirety of team sports.

Taking a break from the rigors of the "birdbox." *The birdbox is his "office." It's basically just any area a foot or less from the basket.
If Spoelstra wins two titles is he a good coach?
Or the more troubling question:  Are you prepared to live in a world where Udonis Haslem has three rings?

 
Does Danny Green matter ever again in life after game 7?


You're right that was a stupid question.

Did Juwan Howard sleep at all last night?
This will be by far his most pressure packed night of standing, clapping, high fiving, towel waving etc.

This gotta be photoshop right?
How obnoxious will my tweets and fb posts be if LeBron wins “not one”?

How obnoxious will the tweets and fb posts of LeBron haters be if he loses “not one”?

Equally obnoxious, choose your side.  Enjoy the game.  I'm out.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Will Ferrell & Jimmy Fallon Get Intense



I forgot to post this a while back, but I was sifting through my drafts and I thought you might still enjoy it.  Jimmy likes to do bits/ games with his guests and this time he teamed up with Will Ferrell to put a more "intense" spin on the traditional late night interview.  It's only two minutes and you'll be happy you watched.  Later.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Alyson and Darius' Favorite Tweets of April and May

We're back!  Yes, it's finally that time of the month where Alyson and I diligently comb through the twittersphere to bring you some of the gems that made us laugh.  Well I don't have that much to say so I guess we'll just jump right in.  You know how this works right?  Of course you do.  Let's get to it.




Alyson:  It seems so obvious now. I don't hear Gold Digger on the radio much but I'm hoping and optimistically assuming Kanye did, in fact, get in touch at his earliest.

Darius:  Sure Yeezy's new album is named "Yeezus" + includes a track titled "I AM A GOD," but I think he'd be pretty chill about suggestions and listening to the ideas of others.




Alyson:  My imagination is running wild at the thought of an Ally Mcbeal tattoo. Is it the dancing baby? It has to be, doesn't it? That, or maybe a gavel with the Ally Mcbeal logo around it in a really artistic way. Or maybe Calista Flockhart, Lucy Liu and Portia de Rossi's smiling faces somewhere on his back. The possibilities are so great. I don't have any plans to get a tattoo but if I did...

Darius:  ...you would tell me, so I could go to the nearest tattoo parlor and get a matching one of the dancing baby.  You're gonna get the dancing baby, trust me.




Darius:  I especially love it when the person is in a full body cast (yes I'm horrible), because kudos to them for having the vanity to instagram their misfortune, but the self-control to abstain from commenting whilst in the ER.

Alyson:  Ah yes, the classic full-body-cast selfie. What would be really cool is if after about a day of not saying anything, they deleted their account. Can you imagine the texts they'd get? 




Darius:  If you think you want a life size cardboard cutout of jen in this pose more than I do you're wrong.

Alyson:  Oh my god, please get a life size cardboard cutout of this because then it'd be, like, in your living room or something and I could take selfies with it and be like "just hangin out with Jen!" and I could try to out-awkward her.




Alyson:  My favorite person on twitter changes with whoever is consistently killing it at the time, and right now it's Shelby Fero. Folks, she's got some great tweets and I find myself pretty much just favoriting them all and spending all my downtime on her favstar page. The wording of this one gets me. "Gentle but firm on the mouth." I can't even deal.

Darius:  I am completely in the tank for Shelby, and as a potential recipient of this treatment, I must say that I am quite intrigued by this ratio of gentleness to firmness.


    

Darius:  Kyle brings up an interesting / sad point about a man whose fame is 98% butter-substitute based:  I don't care about anything Fabio says on his deathbed that's unrelated to butter...how much he knew...and exactly when he knew it.

Alyson:  This is SO TRUE. The only way he'd be relevant on his death bed is if he was talking about butter. It's kind of breaking my heart. Eh, whatever, the man has more money than me because of butter.




Darius:  I love the idea of Lauren: A.)  Examining Gary's package, then B.)  (I'm guessing) putting it through some type of flow chart to determine whether Gary's package is indeed suspicious or not.

Alyson:  Whoa okay but yeah, is she watching Gary through a window? Like Gary's at home on a Thursday night watching something on the TV (we'll never know what because his TV faces away from Lauren's window) and the moment things get suspicious she's using one hand to call 911 while the other hand continues to hold the blinds apart so she can keep watching? What's going on here?




Alyson:  If I had a list of tweets with the funniest wordings, this one would be so high on that list. I might actually make that list, it could be good. I read this tweet in my head and find myself laughing out loud every time, no matter where I am. I'm laughing right now, laughing to this in my office. Maybe spiders think in spanish. Who knows, certainly not you or me.
Darius:  I love that Julianne brought festooned back.  Welcome back festooned!  Also love the idea of spanish speaking hipster spiders being like," ugghhh, everyone goes to that mouth now..."  


Darius:  Trying to dissuade me from loving Beyonce with moral arguments and fact-based reasoning is ultimately as fruitless as trying to convince Michael Douglas that that's not how cancer works.
Alyson:  People are going to love Beyonce and there's just nothing anyone can do about it. It's kind of like how people are going to love Kanye and there's nothing Kanye can do that's going to change it, no matter how many times he calls himself God.


Alyson:  I die inside every time I read or think about this tweet because it's so good and I'll never be able to come up with it because Zach Broussard beat me to it. It's so simple yet clever and hilarious. Also, can't stop thinking about the kids he left alone at the pool. 

Darius:   I can't say enough about tweets that are clever and concise.  It's an art.  Art about taking a dump, but still art.


Darius:  Any sentence directed to a group of strangers that starts with "does it smell like" is unequivocally destined for greatness.   Also worth mentioning, is the fact that he took out his earbuds which all but confirms that the question is not rhetorical in nature. 
Alyson:  Darius, your response to this has totally made my day. The man's question is completely NOT rhetorical! He needs an answer people, he doesn't want to be the only one smelling fish!


Darius:  There are like literally dozens of other not-murdery-at-all reasons! *chuckles nervously, backs away slowly*

Alyson:  Maybe the thing to do in this situation is accept that people are assuming the blood is from shaving. When else are you going to get people assuming that blood is from shaving? I say take it and run with it, man.

Alyson:  I wish all important conversations could go down this way because it would make everything way more enjoyable. My question is this: if this happens to you, do you focus more on the fact that you were adopted or do you worry more about the quality of a film based on adoption? And, like, who's going to be playing you?
Darius:  Great questions.  You should worry in this order:  1.  Who will play you? A: Daniel Day Lewis or at least anybody but Seth Rogen  2.  You were adopted?  A:  It's upsetting, but try not to burn too many calories on this one.   3.  Will it be any good?  A:  This is the one it's ok to bake and eat an entire cake alone for.  This could end up being the Descendants or The Last Airbender.


Darius:  Honestly, at this point, I don't even need an explanation.  Donald, please be advised. 
Alyson:  I am laughing so much at this tweet and the fact that you need no explanation. I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.



Darius:  He could have snapped after watching a 6 hour Katherine Heigl movie marathon, my point is, we don't know.
Alyson:  Wow, school's Lost and Founds are getting way out of hand these days.



Darius:  I wonder if she tweeted this while she was at brunch with her mom.  That's excellent.
Alyson:  I certainly hope so. Also, this is a terrible deal for restaurants, no one do this. There's a place down the road offering bottomless mimosas. Go there.




Alyson:  Is there anyone better at the topical jokes than Damien Fahey right now? Whenever a good news story hits he's the first and funniest to tweet a joke. I guess we have to give people some reason to live in Minnesota. And the possibility of fun, gay neighbors should definitely make it more appealing to live in Delaware all the way around.

Darius:  Delaware is the Jack Reacher of states.  I have a feeling that state would find a way to make fun gay neighbors be 0 fun.




Alyson: This tweet is one hundred perfect free of errors.

Darius:  There's nothing I can do short of retiring from twitter that would show this tweet the type of respect it deserves.





Alyson:  Not particularly one of the funniest jokes in May but I had to include it because of the recent uproar over joke stealing that is going on with a certain popular joke thief. And the idea of a guy accusing some picture he's probably looking at on facebook of plagiarism is downright hilarious. Pictures can't talk, people!

Darius:   Would the reverse hold up?  If Edvard Munch had a twitter I imagine he'd be pretty upset if tweeted "Wavy looking person yells at top of lungs on a bridge" like it was my idea.





Alyson:  I'm struck by how incredibly perfect and hilarious this tweet is and also by the inclusion of "most" sandwiches. What sandwiches aren't as good as sex? Just tried to come up with a small list of sandwiches that might not be as good and couldn't even come up with one. That's how good sandwiches are, because I can definitely come up with the same list as it applies to sex without even having to try.

Darius:   I saw a girl eat a nasty lookin olive sandwich once, just bread, olives and nasty, but I still think eating that sandwich would be a lot more relaxing, and ultimately more rewarding than sex.

Another solid month in the books I'd say.  Shout out to Alyson for putting the team on her back and getting this post out before 2 months had gone by.  By the way, if you're as addicted to keeping up with the latest pop culture news as soon as it breaks you should check out Alyson's daily headline feature on Box Office Buz.  It's good stuff.  See ya soon!  We out.

Monday, April 22, 2013

How to Write a Good Story & Steal First Base (Not at the same time)

I actually saw this a few weeks ago when David tweeted about it, but last year former Pixar storyboard artist Emma Coats tweeted 22 incredibly insightful tips for writers.  Last month, these tips went viral on Reddit.  So if you've haven't seen these yet, trust me you'll want to check them out.  Here are a few.


#2: You gotta keep in mind what's interesting to you as an audience, not what's fun to do as a writer. They can be v. different.

#4: Once upon a time there was ___. Every day, ___. One day ___. Because of that, ___. Because of that, ___. Until finally ___.

#6: What is your character good at, comfortable with? Throw the polar opposite at them. Challenge them. How do they deal?

#9: When you're stuck, make a list of what WOULDN'T happen next. Lots of times the material to get you unstuck will show up.

#13: Give your characters opinions. Passive/malleable might seem likable to you as you write, but it's poison to the audience.

#19: Coincidences to get characters into trouble are great; coincidences to get them out of it are cheating.

Preach sister!

If you have time, click here to read them all.  If you like to write, or are interested in the process, you'll be glad you did.

So here's one...a major league baseball player steals 2nd, "steals" first, and then gets thrown out trying to steal 2nd again.  What?...don't believe me just watch.


Sunday, April 21, 2013

Sunday Round-Up: Movies, Bieber, and Rasheed Wallace Gets Ejected Off Into The Sunset...

It's been a busy week, so I'm going with a short post today, but I wanted to drop off a few things that made me laugh.

I must have been under a rock, because I just saw this trailer yesterday.  This Is The End is now at the top of my must see summer movie queue.  It's got pretty much every comic actor our generation loves.  Oh, and they're playing themselves.   I'm just glad that we only have to wait until June 12th.



My favorite recent PR blunder was Justin Bieber writing in Anne Frank's Guestbook that "Anne was a great girl.  And hopefully she would have been a belieber."  I don't even have jokes for that, but Conan and his writers did, and what they had was hilarious.  I couldn't have framed this one any better. It's only a 100 seconds.  Watch it!



Finally, after 15 years Rasheed "Sheed" Wallace hung em up this week.  The 7 footer won a championship in Detroit but has been best know for his ill temper and penchant for accumulating technical fouls.  My fondest sheed moments are the ones where he would *think* about looking at a ref and he'd get T'd up.  Sheed was also the pioneer of the Guaransheed aka to guarantee victory and then promptly lose by ten or more points.  Sheed, you will be missed.  So before we bid you adieu, we gotta send you off proper.  The greatest unintentionally funny Sheed moment: The Jersey Toss.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Alyson and Darius' Favorite Tweets of March

I'm not one of those people that always knows the right thing to say immediately following a tragedy.  I just feel an incredible amount of sadness for everyone that has loved ones affected by this horrific attack.  So maybe say a prayer for Boston if that's your thing.  I don't have a good segue so we'll just have to get to some tweets after the break.

We'll it is that time of the month again!  Now that you've filed your taxes, we can all sit back and have a good laugh at the expense of Wesley Snipes for thinking he could outsmart the IRS.
Anyway, while me and Alyson didn't get to hang out on the beach, or write in LA, we still managed to comb through the tweets that made us laugh the most in month of March.  Hopefully you enjoy them as much as we did.  Let's get to it.  




Darius:  If there was one person who could reason with Kim Jong Un I would think it would be either Dennis Rodman or Mike Tyson.  So the question then becomes, who can America most afford to have blown up?  Obviously Rodman.

Alyson:  I mean, Dennis Rodman's gotta make sure he stays relevant somehow.




Alyson:  This is no joke. It's not every day I watch three hours of Too Cute! on Animal Planet.

Darius:  I once watched a Disney Channel Original movie about a Dog that started a hotel...in a hotel.  Twice.  Back to back.  Including commercials.  I don't want to talk about it.




Alyson:  Julia Davidovich's on-going joke about how JGL is chinese is one of my favorite things about the internet. It just never gets old.

Darius:  I just pictured this and yes, JGL being chinese is something I'm obsessed with.  If you could see the picture in my head you'd know that I'M HORRIBLE.




Darius:  I'm not really sure what that delicious brown paste they put in the tacos is made of, but I'm glad we can finally put the is it "meat™" or meat debate to bed.

Alyson:  I mostly like this because it doesn't even matter to me why Taco Bell might be in the news, constantly hearing about Taco Bell makes me want Taco Bell.




Darius:  Studio Exec: "I really like what you've done to stay true to the original Wicked Witch, but what if she was...and I'm just spit-balling here...less wicked...and kind of slutty."

Alyson:  "I like the way you spit-ball. You don't just put Mila Kunis in your movie for nothing, boys!"




Darius:  I feel like that losing streak needs an equally disappointing song for it's montage.  Got it, "Hey Porsche" by Nelly.

Alyson:  There's nothing I can say to make Darius' comment better. Though I've never been trashy enough to put a bumper sticker on my car so I don't really know how they work- can you, like, not take them off ever? Is that why I still see Romney bumper stickers?




Alyson:  What, you're telling me there's a BETTER place to eat this whole sleeve of saltines?

Darius:  Is eating over the sink something that needs to be made clear you're not doing?  I'm like 39% alarmed by this.  p.s. I don't eat Bugles outside while staring through my neighbor's window.  I don't.




Darius:  Florida is arguably the worst rapper alive.  I would love for him to answer this question in another song, but I'd probably ignore everything he said until "HEY I HEARD YOU WERE A WILD ONE oooOOOOoooOOOOhhh"

Alyson:  Never quite realized how gay that song is. Feel like the followup to "Whistle" should maybe be "No Homo." That one's for free, Flo Rida!




Darius:  I completely Identify with this tweet because I am struggling to make my private relationship, with an academy award winning hunger game starring actress, work / be a thing that she is aware of.

Alyson:  Keep keepin' on, my friend. One day all your hard work will pay off!




Darius:  You laugh, but one day the last of the Earth's supply of Mountain Dew will be in that tub, and it'll be heavily guarded and semi-polluted by Chase Mitchell.

Alyson:  Chase will say "if you want it that bad, come and get it" and one sole man will step out of the crowd, crying, as he reluctantly drinks from the Mountain Dew bathtub. Chase and the man keep eye contact. The shame the man feels is heavy but tough times call for tough measures. Also, hey America, maybe we're banning/concentrating on the wrong things? Just a thought.




Darius:  I love this tweet because the most horrible thing you've ever said to anyone, is about 1 billionth as awful as everything you'll find under a State of the Union or Justin Bieber video.

Alyson:  Remind me never to let my children internet.




Alyson:  Related- googling "back of cereal boxes" while you eat cereal in front of your laptop, from bed, possibly at midnight.

Darius:  No no no Nicholas, I can't let this shampoo comment slide.  You have to make a concerted effort to get to the shampoo bottles.  Why you all up in the shower before you do your business?  Is that your thing?  If I let you use my bathroom am I also consenting to let you explore my shower?  Are you going in shoes on bein' all disrespectful and whatnot? There are too many questions Nick.  Consider yourself banned from my bathroom.




Alyson:  Classic twist ending, I'll say. I think Adam may expect an auditor in his future and that auditor's name is grumpy cat, probs. I don't know, I think the internet works that way.

Darius:  I'm loving the twist.  It makes sense though, do you subtract the winky face from line 13a or 13c, and can you claim that cool banana in sunglasses emoji as a dependent?




Alyson:  Nobody remember this tweet next year because I am so doing it, and I want you all to think I am either hilarious or the biggest dick ever.

Darius:  Do it!  I'll wait until after the first round and then pick all the teams that lose + share it on every social media platform.  Then it'll go viral and I'll get invited to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon as bad bracket guy, and we'll be best friends. + Don't let my degree of specificity throw you, I haven't even thought about this at all really.




Alyson:  Everything about this tweet gets at my heart. Prank city! Fun enforcer! Also, how fun is it to add city to the end of words? This is one of those things that I freaking love to do but I should also probably just keep it to myself. Anyways. Now I want to date Julia.

Darius:  Thinking of nicknaming myself D-City!  Already having the time of my life!




Alyson:  This is me all day every day. This is me right now. This was me thirty minutes ago.

Darius:  *This* is the human experience summed up in one tweet. Bravo, Katey.




Alyson:  I really love Kendra's commitment to the things she's into. She's gotta mull over an obsession, see how it feels. And guys, there's no one more fun than the guy who has a preference on the water he drinks.

Darius:  I wanna set up guy who has a preference on the water he drinks with girl who wears makeup to the gym.  They deserve each other.




Darius:  What a wonderful observation.  Uuugghhh Damien's *BRILLIANCE* UPSETS ME!

Alyson:  This is so good and terrifyingly accurate. 




Alyson:  Seems about right to me.

Darius:  Couldn't agree more.   I imagine there's no greater high for an Ambusher than when "Seen" pops up under his message.  "Seen" messages are the new spoils of victory.  So keep up the good work Zuck!




Darius:  I keep trying to think of what could make this sadder, but I've got nothing.  Actually, what if she showed up with a bootleg VHS copy of "He's Just Not That Into You," and a VCR to play it on?

Alyson:  And here I was thinking I knew true sadness last night after the pizza delivery guy recognized me from a few nights before. But I'm going to go with my gut on this one and say the single-serving popcorn is worse. At least I'm not THAT guy.

I love writing these with Alyson + I love when people tell me they enjoy it, so 1. thank you for reading!  We really appreciate it. and 2. leave a comment, and be sure to follow Alyson's Association during BEDA.  Until next time...

Alyson's twitter.

Darius' twitter.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Durant, Wade, and Buzzfeed Fashion

The NBA Playoffs are only 5 days away, and even though Kobe is out, I'm looking forward to just about every playoff series.  My money is on the Heat vs. Thunder part II.  Apparently Gatorade is on the same page, and this commercial managed to wrangle a superstar from each squad to help wet our appetites for the highly anticipated showdown.

Who you got, D-Wade, or Durant?
Here's a treat for you.  One week ago today Buzzfeed Fashion launched!  It's captained by my hero Amy Odell, so you already know its good. (For the uninitiated, here's a quick recap of what makes Amy awesome.)  








So if you're interested in fashion at all, I suggest you add this to the list of sites you frequent.  It's got all that characteristic Odell humor and insight you'd expect.  I mean who else is going to be the first to let you know that Beyonce is modeling swimwear, or Daft Punk is featured in ads for Saint Laurent (below)?









Just a sampling of what the site has to offer:


4. Unnecessary Headdresses

2.  Rachel has to view her Jockey Billboard even though she doesn't want to.


Get in there and try it out.  See ya tomorrow with some tweets!




All pics used courtesy of Buzzfeed Fashion




Sunday, April 14, 2013

Sunday Round-Up: Jay-Z, Breaking Bad, 30 Rock, and Skateboard P

Jay's latest impromptu musical release took a shot at his critics and in particular two Florida representatives with apparently nothing better to do like, I dunno, stop people from gettin swallowed up by the earth, but different strokes for different folks.  Anyway, Jay effortlessly bashed his critics, ruined the day of every still Obama butt hurt republican, and after all that, went home to have sex with Beyoncé.  Touché Mr. Carter.

 

Kate McKinnon continues to destroy everything she does on SNL.  I only skimmed last night's episode because while I think Vince Vaughn is funny, I don't need more Vince Vaughn in my life.  Fortunately, during weekend update Kate got a chance to shine playing an eccentric woman that was raised by monkeys.  She is brilliant.  Do yourself a favor and watch.



 



Equally Brilliant is my hero Richard "I'm Better at Life than You" Sherman.  Anybody who knows me knows that I'm a sucker for novelty T's so this is a must have for me.  In case you're unfamiliar with the quote, watch the first 75 seconds of him giving skip bayless a verbal pie to the face his interview on first take.  It's all great, but if you're in a rush, the first 1:15 ought to do it.







"Into The Crevasse" - Decided to randomly go back and watch Season 4 episodes of 30 Rock. I watched this one because I like saying "Go into the crevasse" as if it's a real thing, and then getting blank stares from co-workers.  Well I forgot what a wonderful episode it is.  The concept of Liz and Tracy as roommates had a lot of comedic mileage and I would watch that spinoff all day.  Here's 16 seconds for you.


Not sure if you caught this, but last summer Breaking Bad had a cooking montage set to "Crystal Blue Persuasion" and that montage was parodied by The Simpsons earlier tonight.  You should probably go and catch up on the first 8 episodes of season 5 so you remember exactly where you were because there's no doubt these last 8 that begin on July 14th will re-contextualize a lot of what we saw in the first half of season 5.


Daft Punk and Pharrell have apparently been working together and I am 100% on board.  I knew I had to check it out when I saw that my twitter feed exploded with comments about the commercial that aired during SNL.  An explosion which begs the question...who watches Saturday Night Live, live?


"Gibberish Rap"  I went to see comedian Hannibal Burress last night at the Firebird and he crushed it.  He brought down the house with a pretty hype version of his hit single, "Gibberish Rap."  Is he one of the hottest MC's in the game? You decide...

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Season Premieres and Season Finale(s) : Walking, Mad Men, and Shameless

There are no spoilers here, unless, you don't want to know if someone didn't die in the Walking Dead.  That's it.  We good.  Let's go!

After the season 3 finale of The Walking Dead it appears one of my favorite programs has reached a crossroads.  Will it go the route of Dexter, or Breaking Bad?
Welcome to the Prison.
This finale was was the first time I felt that the show didn’t know what it was.  And that’s probably almost entirely due to the fact that they are now on their third showrunner in as many years.  Unfortunately Fortunately, it is also experiencing it's highest ratings.  So will it be a show like Dexter that while the ratings soared, creatively the show disappointed, or will it be a show like Breaking Bad that's only gotten better and thus justified the higher ratings?  The second half seemed to promise some kind of head on collision between the Governor and Rick, and that never really materialized.  What we got was a finale that seemed more like the writers room kicking the proverbial can down the road to season four.  Almost as if AMC said, "you know what, let’s punt and figure it out over the summer."  I didn’t read the comics so I’m not sure what the Governor's fate is, but it just seemed a little anticlimactic to let him slide.  It felt like the show got taken over by network types ("suits" as Billy Walsh would say) who championed this idea of, "oh no, this is *our* villain, you can’t get rid of him."  Honestly, I’m ok with The Walking Dead not being an action driven type of story.  One of the standout episodes of the season series was "Clear," and that focused on a three character side mission and didn’t deal with the governor (at least directly) at all.  It dealt with people trying to survive a Zombie apocalypse and how that changes you.  So if that’s the reason Glen Mazara left, because he didn't want to keep a character that no longer served the story, then I’m 100% team Mazzara.  The Walking Dead, much like it's characters, is searching for answers...answers it will probably never find.  Not as long as the ratings continue to soar.
I feel like I'd fit in with this family.
Shameless on the other hand delivered what was probably the most impressive seasons of television I’ve seen all year.  (One of the best ever.)  Granted it’s early, and Breaking Bad’s second half of season five will almost certainly supplant this by the end of August.  Regardless, Shameless crushed it.  This needs to be acknowledged.   It’s a sneaky good show.  What I love about Shameless is that not a lot of people have figured it out.  It’s on the same channel as Homeland, a superior show (being consistent season to season), with superior stories, more developed characters, but nowhere near the same degree of hype.  This is almost perfect.  It’s right before a show gets too popular and puts the showrunner in the awkward position of writing to stay on the air *Looking at you True Blood, Dexter, and the aforementioned Homeland.*  I’m almost hoping that no one figures it out, at least not until there are a few more seasons in the can.  So what made this season particularly enjoyable?  Well for starters, it felt like every story that had been brought up over the twelve episodes coalesced perfectly into one whole.  Everything made sense and everything was earned.  (My favorite moment was probably Carl's last scene with Frank)  At the end of the day I believe that Frank needs to change, and I believe that they love him despite the fact that he’s a destructive force.  Who knows what will happen next season, because all of our characters were seemingly given a final sendoff.  I have to agree with Alan Sepinwall that it almost felt like a series finale, and if the show was cancelled (which it’s already been renewed for season 4) I wouldn’t be upset because "Survival of the Fittest" is how a series is supposed to end.

Jessica Pare. Umm, what was I saying?
Last, but certainly not least, we arrive at Mad Men's Season premiere..."Doorways."  I thought it was fantastic.  It wasn't "The Suitcase," my favorite episode of the series, but it was very good.  What kills me is year after year how many Mad Men "fans" complain that nothing happens.  Well first of all, it's not an action show.  Don isn't trying to stop an asteroid from crashing into earth, so sorry.  It's a show that's so much more nuanced.  The show is all about the layers, and if you'll take a step back and just enjoy these characters, it's the most enthralling form of television you'll find.  It took a second look, but when you watch all the doorways the characters go through, and reflect on the doorways they've been through, it's really an incredible episode.  Even this season premiere "Doorways" is itself a doorway.  We're standing at the beginning of this 12 episode journey and we're going to come out alongside these characters on the other side.  It's one of those shows that you only get out of it as much as you put in.  If you sit there and say, " man, nothing happened," well then 1.  Great, I don't want you to watch Mad Men, and 2.  Why were you watching a season 6 episode in the first place?  My point is, the Mad Men season premiere "Doorways" is perfect because ironically enough it's not about getting from point A to point B.  It's about watching these characters change.  It's about watching what makes them want to change, learning what drives them, and seeing how they adapt.  The Mad Men premiere convinced me that the show is confidently headed in a certain direction, and I can't wait to see where this doorway leads.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Five Words That Will Change Your Life: COOL RANCH Doritios Locos Tacos

So I have not had one of these and can not vouch for their taste, but I am 3000% on board with the *IDEA* of  Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos. 

I think this commercial is hilarious. 

Two stand out moments:  The guy at 4 seconds who says "I just said that." and the old man who goes "they should make a COOoool ranch one" at 21 seconds.


I may be the only peson in america who thinks this commercial is the best, but you know what, I will die on that rock.  Sorry to be so brief.  If you're upset go get one of these tacos and watch your anger melt away. See you tomorrow.

I'm not doing BEDA.  bye!

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

This One Goes Out to All the "Suit and Tie" Haters

Haters...  "I do it for my haters."  "This for my haters."  It's played out.  You don't have haters.  Bieber has haters. (rightfully so?) You do not.  Just when it appeared that haters had exhausted all their living, breathing, hate-able options, they rediscovered audio files.  A series of ONES and ZEROES that are converted...semi-miraculously I might add...into sound waves that are then interpreted by your brain. In other words, haters are truly going to hate.


Nothing confuses me more than people who don't like the song "Suit and Tie."  When did this become a thing to not like?  I can truthfully say I would be less confused by a white man, at a Tyler Perry movie, dressed like Madea, on opening night, in Salt Lake City.  There are people who actively dislike the song.  With Activity!  It boggles the mind.  This isn't a Dane Cook situation where it's cool to hate the song, but there are definitely two camps.  And it's the mere existence of the Anti-"Suit and Tie" camp that gets on my nerves.  I just don't understand the hate.  I mean imagine if someone came up to you and said "I don't know about you but I hate cereal boxes.  All cereal boxes too, I just hate em so much.  Especially the cardboard ones."  The suit and tie hate just feels similarly out of left field.

What exactly is there to hate?  The smooth beat?  Justin's angelic vocals?  A slick Jay-Z verse?

Serious sidebar:

I think it gets back to people wanting you to do the same thing over and over.  They wanted Sexyback 2.0 and didn't get it, so they're complaining.  The kicker is had they gotten Sexyback 2.0, they'd be talking about how it isn't as good as the original.  It's the haters dilemma.


So shout out to Justin for an incredibly solid effort.  It's definitely for R&B heads so I don't expect the masses to really embrace this (although he moved about 980,000 copies in the first week so what do I know).  I'd say make sure you at least check, Pusher Love Girl, Mirrors, Strawberry Bubblegum, and Blue Ocean Floor (my favorite).

End serious sidebar.

Back to these professional "Suit and Tie" haters.

What is your purpose?

You know why A$AP Rocky's hook isn't "I hate Suit and Tie, that's my fuckin problem"

Because that's a stupid fuckin problem.

If you don't like "Suit and Tie" you should try NOT listening to it.

Simple as that.
 
What do you mean Darius?

For example, I don't DRINK the juices of pomegranates because I don't LIKE pomegranates and the juices they produce(s).

In conclusion...
I don't pay attention to the people hating on suit and tie because...

The people hating on suit and tie are the same people holding up the self-checkout line trying to save 23 cents on a 100 - pack of toilet paper. <<  You can't even wipe your ass with 23 cents.  You know what you *can* wipe your ass with?...SO LET THAT 23 CENTS BREATHE!!    

The people hating on suit and tie are still mad at Beyonce for using a backing track during Obama's inauguration.


The people hating on suit and tie have an egg as their twitter avatar with 10,000 tweets and 3 followers.

The people hating on suit and tie appointment watch Two and a Half Men.  (Thursdays 8:30/7:30 CT)

The people hating on suit and tie ARE LOST.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

My Favorite Things of 2012: Part 1

2012 was a pretty solid year for me.  Yes, in the 4th month of 2013 I am reminiscing about 2012, What of it!? Anyway, I love doing this post every year, regardless of when I get around to it, and I decided this needed to happen right now.  It couldn't wait any longer.  So here's part 1.  Yes.  Part 1.  
1.  Here's the Thing with Alec Baldwin:

Alec is quick, and funny, and a mega star, so it's interesting to listen to the conversations he has with equally successful people and in some cases icons.

For starters:  Lorne Michaels, Kristen Wiig, Chris Rock


 
You Made it Weird w/ Pete Holmes:

Look to Alyson if you want to know more about this Podcast, but Pete has been killing it this past year.  Pete is incredibly thoughtful, charming, and well....weird.  If you don't already, you will love him.

For Starters: Hannibal Burress, Paul Scheer, Jessica St. Clair, My favorite might be the one with Emily Gordon.







WTF with Marc Maron:

The reigning comedy podcast king really brought the heat in 2012.  Just because I don't have much to add to this particular discussion doesn't mean he wasn't the best out there. 

For starters:  Jimmy Kimmel, Bill Lawrence, JB Smoove






The Nerdist Podcast:

Nerdist had some great interviews this year.  I like the banter between Chris and his sidekicks.  It's a completely different vibe (little more light hearted maybe) than WTF or YMIW but it works.  I particularly enjoyed Zach Braff's Reddit anecdote, and his explanation of the OZ 3D effects (which he was spot on as they are amazing).  And Tina is just pure insightful Tina. 

For starters:  Tina Fey, Zach Braff, Michael Emerson



2. Siliver Linings Playbook was probably my favorite movie of 2012.  There are only a few movies where I realize 5 miniutes in how much I'm enjoying it, and I don't want it to stop.  I remember feeling that way about United States of Tara, and another show that we''ll get to later.  Plus it's got Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence.  It's just a solid, feel good movie.  Anyone that has talked to me in the last six months has at some point been asked "Have you seen Silver Linings Playbook?".  Oh and Jennifer Lawrence absolutely crushes it as Tiffany.  I realize I'm not alone in thinking this.  If for some reason you missed this one, don't even finish this sentence.  Go see it.







3.  Speaking of Jennifer Lawrence.  Girl is definitely number one on my power rankings.  She's funny.  She can act.  She's down to earth.  She's got a mega blockbuster on her resume.  What more could you want?  Being recognized as the best in her field?  Academy Award for Best Actress.  Check.  Put aside how gorgeous she is, she just seems like a great person.  Sure she could be the next LiLo, but it doesn't feel like Hollywood is going give her the LiLo treatment so many young starlets fall prey to. Btw is LiLo actually pregnant or is that tweet getting deleted when she sobers up?

Editors note: She sobered up and deleted the tweet.






4.  VEEP - My favorite new cable comedy of the year.  Yes, everything is my favorite.  So what!  Can we take a minute to reflect on that comedic genius that Julia Louis-Dreyfus is?  How many hits does she have under her belt?  Doesn't matter, just check out this character profile.


5.  There is nothing better, in my estimation, than the cold open of Skyfall.  The action transitions seamlessly into Adele's theme which is even more spectacular when heard blaring over a movie theater sound system.  Overall the movie was incredible, and this is coming from someone that doesn't care for Daniel Craig as Bond.  I mean did they really play Poker for an hour in one of them...I can't.  But Bond fanatics beware, this Bond seems to be a little more grounded than most.  No jet packs, or invisible cars will be found in this installment.  But that's not to say that it isn't fun to watch and beautiful to look at. Oh and Javier Bardem is an awesomely creepy Bond Villain.


6.  Incredible scene from this past season of Mad Men.  It's from season 5 so spoilerphobes beware, BUT.  I will say there's nothing terribly spoilerish as far as the plot goes.  It's just a great speech about happiness.


7.  Jeff Who Lives at Home - This movie came out in March and it wasn't promoted all that heavily despite featuring two pretty big mega stars on hit shows (Segel and Helms).  Wonderful story about destiny, love, and purpose.

  


How can you not love this guy? He's so jovial!


8.  Dwyane Wade has to be the dirtiest player that isn't considered dirty by his peers.  But he does things like what I posted below, and this, and this, and NO ONE really seems to mind it.  Hilarious.







9. Dexter "Run" Season 7 Episode 4 - Beautifully written and directed turning point for the series. I think the last scene was fantastic, and had it not lingered it could have been up for the best episode of television I've seen all year.  "Run" restored my faith in a show that really let me down in season 6.

"I'm still alive but I don't think I'm going to like the reason why." -Dexter
His inner monologue, which has been uneven the past few seasons, is fantastic in this episode.  


10.  My favorite New Drama of the season was BY FAR, Awake.  It's about a detective who has a car accident with his son and his wife, but when he wakes up, his wife is dead and his son is alive.  Here's where it gets good, the moment he goes to sleep, he wakes up in another reality where his wife survived and his son perished.  Every time he goes to sleep, he wakes up in the other reality.  As the realities begin to branch further apart, his struggle to determine which reality is in fact reality becomes increasingly dire.  There's only one season because NBC foolishly aired this show on Friday night.  Why run any original programming on Friday nights if you "can't count" the DVR numbers?  -- Frustration aside, my favorite episodes were the "Pilot," "Nightswimming," and "That's Not My Penguin."  Do yourself a favor and get Hulu Plus for a month and watch it.


11.  Ben and Kate met an unfortunately early demise.  No real reason why other than those pesky ratings.  Also I'm not really sure Fox knew what to do with the show or how to market it.  It's about Kate and her quirky, but sweet, and always zany brother Ben.  They're living together and Ben is helping to raise Maddie, Kate's daughter.  Just a lot of heart, and a lot of funny.  I hate to be dramatic, but if you think I'm a good person you'll give the show at least a one episode test drive.  Please?  For me.  You won't be upset you did.  I'm fairly certain you'll love it.  Here, try 40 seconds.


12.  In sports, you are 99.9999 % guaranteed to be doing something right if a play you make gets a name.  "The Catch," "The Immaculate Reception," "The Shot," and "The Music City Miracle" are all examples of iconic plays.  Well Mark Sanchez lives for that other .0001 of a percent.  The only reason he gets out of bed is to find new ways to make taking L's look effortless.  Even the Ray J's and Michael Lohan's of the world know to Watch the Throne when it comes to this man's ability to speak L's into existence.  Mark Sanchez makes Petey Pablo look like the G.O.A.T. by comparison.  T.I. goin to jail for a year, immediately after getting out of jail...for a year...thinks it's time for this man to reevaluate.  Ladies and gentleman, I give you, The Butt Fumble.


My favorite part of this:  There's no coming back.  For the rest of Sanchez's life this is his legacy.  You see that tiger woods ad that winning cures everything?  Well not this.  This is forever.

Started from the bottom, now we....here?
Part 2 is on the way!