Darius: I love Conan, and I believe in his sagely wisdom, but dying of auto-erotic asphyxiation has gotta be right up there.
Alyson: The wording of the tweet almost makes me think maybe he was sitting in the doctors office and then all of sudden realized that's not how he wants to go so he silently got up and left, then probably went to see Django Unchained.
Alyson: There are just some things we're all unwilling to talk about.
Darius: One of my hands is just better at everything. Glass half full Kumail.
Alyson: I'll just go ahead and give my life savings to witness this happen because I need nothing else in life.
Darius: I would really like to be the non-creepy black guy in the delivery room. But if that's already taken I don't mind being the creepy black guy. Just need the royal family to return my emails and let me know.
Alyson: This is me all day every day. Perfection in the form of a tweet.
Darius: I have not experienced this joy that Marie speaks of. I swear my glasses ONLY fog up when I walk into a party with cool people.
Alyson: No, Darius, no there wasn't. I had zero idea that movie had come out yet.
Alyson: I always knew there had to be some way to make that funny. Anything's possible, kids.
Alyson: Just picture Ari Scott rocking back in forth (you have to assume it's a wooden rocking chair) watching Homeland with a serious look on his face, surrounded with copies of Catcher in the Rye and stuffed animals with their heads cut off. I'm completely normal, you guys.
Darius: The idea of someone watching tv in a wooden chair is already hilarious to me. But the serial killer connection makes sense. I could totally see a would-be killer being like, "Look at the time, I should really get around to killing Steve...eh, I'm pretty cozy here on the couch, maybe tomorrow."
Alyson: I'll be saying "probs a spide bro" at least once a day until the day that I die in which case they will be my last words.
Alyson: My absolute favorite Ikea joke from that day. I went into an Ikea once and got lost for four days and almost killed myself and if I ever have to eat another meatball again I SWEAR TO GOD...
Darius: Unfortunately, getting lost in an IKEA is still on my bucket list. Here's my question: Did he buy the jacket in IKEA, cause if he did that monkey is the fuckin man!
Alyson: I'm addicted to reading this tweet over and over again.
Alyson: Oh my god, you're so right. Question marks say so much. Somehow this tweet went by without me seeing it so thank god you added it to the list. It's so great. As a person who really appreciates the art of punctuation location, I highly enjoy this.
Alyson: Such a good build up. ALMOST as good as that one stellar time that I said that awesome thing.
Alyson: The wording of this tweet makes me warm inside. But you're absolutely right, Darius. That is a much better question. Because yes, yes a dog should have a blog think of the shit they would say.
Alyson: I would've rather seen a political joke than a world-is-ending joke in December, and you should know that is saying a lot coming from me. But of course Nikki Glaser managed to make one of my favorite jokes of the month out of my least favorite moment from that month.
Darius: I would not go anywhere near an end of the world joke last month, but Nikki is so fearless/silly, and she nails it.
Darius: That's probably one of the best feelings in the word.
Alyson: As someone who gets no better pleasure than making myself laugh for minutes at a time, this tweet made me laugh out loud for a good ten seconds. And then I read it again and laughed out loud again. Next time you guys see me I'll be doing this bit at every party ever and then even on an average Tuesday when I'm home alone and the only audience I have is my dog, who probably isn't even paying attention to me because he's too busy blogging about the squirrel he just saw.
Darius: There aren't enough people saying shields up anymore. I don't know why, but this makes me think of that independence day green force-field shit the aliens had. It makes me wanna yell "Jimmy put your mask back on!"
Alyson: Me and Darius in an old folks home in like 70 years sitting in recliners, I say "shields up!" and he says, "Jimmy put your mask back on!" and we laugh and laugh.
Alyson: There is nothing I can say that will add to the brilliant hilarity of this joke. One of my favorites of all time. I mean, guys. PLAIN!
Darius: Just Jen at her best. She's great.
Alyson: The wording of this joke makes me laugh out loud every time I read it. Everything about it is funny. Josh Patten never followed up with the result of his lost niece but if she's committed to the art of peek-a-boo then she's still hiding somewhere.
Darius: Yes to everything you said Alyson. I laugh every single time I read this. Sidebar: who knew you could lose at peek-a-boo? That's a game changer.
Alyson: The only answer I'll ever give someone ridiculous enough to ask me this question. That, or I'll just silently walk away. Anyway, anyone up to go clubbing this weekend?
Darius: What does being into the club scene even mean? (Besides eating club sandwiches, which I think we can all agree is the new standard.) Honestly, clubbing has kind of seen it's day come and go. The only people still "into clubbing" are the kind of people you would imagine Stefon hanging with.
Alyson: This was one of the first Kim/Kanye pregnancy jokes I saw and it was the only one I needed. Everyone can just go ahead and give up the twitter game now because Glaser has won.
Darius: Look, I don't wanna be that guy, and I'm not trying to jinx anything, buttttt, it's early. Also, I get unreasonably upset thinking about how soon that child will become an awful person.
That's it for December! Hopefully you enjoyed these as much as we did. Wanna meet back here in a month and do it again? Yes? Then it's settled! Oh, keep an eye out for my favorite things of 2012. I'm thinking Part 1 will drop tomorrow, but you know how that goes....