Monday, February 18, 2013

Alyson and Darius' Favorite Tweets Of January!

I think my favorite part of January had to be the return of Ray Lewis.  His ability to inspire the people around him is otherworldly.  The guy tore his triceps (an injury that takes 6 months minimum to recover from) and came back in 10 weeks!  Not only that, but after being in the shadows, much like Christian Bale in The Dark Knight Rises he resurfaces after weeks with a semi-bionic arm brace and a transformers face mask!  At this point I would be 0% surprised if a deadspin story broke about him literally climbing out of a pit of prisoners to get back onto the field.


So shout out to Ray Lewis for allowing me to live my fantasy of seeing a hero return and save the city he calls home.  I feel like I was that kid talking to Joesph Gordon-Levitt when he said "do you think he's coming back?"  But enough about Ray Ray...it's twitter time.  You know the story.  Alyson and I scour the twitterverse looking for the best of the best and add our hopefully comedic or insightful commentary.  Let's begin.



Alyson:  This was me all four years of college and this is why I'm going to need a writing job stat.

Darius:  It’s the shower principal in full effect. RIP 30 rock.


Alyson:  Probably would've happened in Movie 43. What a fucking joke.

Darius:  A ten month old baby with jelly and jam smeared on it! 



Alyson:  Danny Zuker is the best. I've begun just favoriting his tweets before I've even read them just to speed up the process.

Darius:  I'm just starting to catch on to Danny.  He's definitely on a roll right now.




Darius:  I like how this tweet sort of unfurls in stages.  Then the reveal is fantastic.

Alyson:  Perfect lead up. Perfect reveal. Truth: I love this tweet.




Alyson:  Ah, perspective. But seriously. I'd like to make an ad about how bad those pre-roll ads are and put them in the middle of youtube videos. Only problem there is that people will most likely have already clicked out of the video by then.
Darius:  Has anyone ever not clicked the "skip this ad" button?  Who watches skippable ads?  I would feel much safer if those people were on the no fly list.


Darius:  For starters, his conversation accounts for approximately 97% of the small talk in St. Louis.  Now her retort, well that's genius.  It's why she's not afraid to tell you that she's "One of the greats."  I gotta try this except when someone at work tells me how 30 Rock isn't funny but Big Bang is HiLaRiOuS!
Alyson Please do this, Darius and report back to me. What if after they say "it's not cold out" you just turn around without missing a beat and walk away? Maybe throw in a "I don't have time for this" as they watch you go.  



Alyson:  This is a problem that I think about daily. Also, like, I probably would've done better in science if I hadn't had the lyrics to "Aaron's Party (Come Get It)" taking up quality space in my brain.
Darius:  For me it's the theme song to "Tail Spin."  OH-WE-OH! Tail Spin!!! (Sure I will never be able to spell inconvenience correctly on a piece of paper but whatevs.)



Darius:  Besides being a bitter old man, I think I'm most upset because it's almost as if people are getting engaged for the express purpose of reporting it on Facebook.  Think when Jerry was upset at comedians for converting to Judaism for the jokes. (And yes I just compared myself to Jerry Seinfeld)
Alyson:  I like the comparison, mostly because I agree with your sentiment, D. If I ever get engaged I'll just keep it off facebook until we're officially married, THEN I'll change my relationship status and watch what happens. It'll probably feel similar to watching the world burn, I would imagine. While we're on the subject, can I just bring up how annoying brides-to-be are on social media?


Alyson:  Man, and I'm usually so good at movie recommendations but this one has me stumped.
Darius:  Expendables 2.


Darius:  Most Te'o jokes got played out in a hurry.  However, I did enjoy this one.  I think it's because I'm reminded of a time a fellow old man (more bitter than I) made a complete fool of himself...against all odds...with just a few pieces of wood.
Alyson:  I like this one too because it's easy to get my approval when you combine two relevant events into one joke. Anyone else imaginging Manti Te'o watching that speech on his laptop late in the night, just nodding all by himself in the dark, or is that just me? Just me? Cool then, moving on.


Darius:  Such a relate-able tweet, and once again I'm loving the "stages".  But so many unanswered questions. Topic? Answer? Was it on the board?!?
Alyson:  I'm loving the stages too. This joke structure is really working for me, though I have to admit I have the same questions now that you bring them up. I have to assume it was something about the most popular brand of organic cat food but then again I've never seen family feud.


Alyson:  Still not totally sure, but I'm also not interested in cycling so :/
Darius:  Hands down the greatest moment in that interview was when he recounts a conversation with Betsy Andreu in which he says "I called you crazy, I called you a bitch...but i never called you fat!"  Then he smiles to himself!  So good.  And until someone proves otherwise, I am confident the only way to watch OWN is via youtube snippets.  


Darius:  Gotta love a parody Bill Nye account that won't let spelling stand in the way of delivering little kid burns.  Alyson, I say we buy 2 leap frog laptops, go to a starbucks and pretend like we're writing scripts. Oh, and we will both definitely be using USB mice that aren't plugged into anything.  Then we leave and ask another table to watch our laptops.
Alyson:  I have never loved an idea more in my lifetime. We will do this immediately. The perfect ending to this is that once we leave the people in charge of watching our precious leapfrog laptops steal them in a hurry because really? What's your life like that you have to resort to stealing leapfrog laptops, imaginary people? Also, if you're so desperate that you steal leapfrog laptops you probs shouldn't be in a Starbucks, I'm just saying.


Darius:  We've seen relate-able, now on the other end of the spectrum here's a beautifully inaccessible tweet.  A veggie garden? Drew Barrymore? I'm so glad Jessi Klein brought this to my attention.
Alyson:  Um, why isn't Oprah using any punctuation? Who she think she is? Lauren Ashley Bishop? Girl, please.


Darius:  I almost feel bad for how much I enjoyed this tweet.  So let's all take a moment to make sure we're not 1/2 of that couple.
Alyson:  At least it's not "baby." It would be worse if it was "baby." The worst. Truth: I come up with a different nickname for my girlfriend every single time I address her. So yeah, I'm that girl.


Alyson:  This tweets gets better every time I read it.
Darius:  This tweets speaks to me because I love Ye, and it's a great spin on the quote attribution joke format. + Alyson is right.  It amuses me more now than the first time I read it.  




Darius:  JJ is definitely the hot girl in nerdland right now.  When a movie studio exec sends him a text, I bet they have those mini "why is he taking so long to text me back" panic attacks.
Alyson:  Then after ten minutes they're all "did I sound too desperate? is that why he's not responding?" so they send something like ;) or possibly even an emoji to show they're cool and relaxed about him not texting back yet. Then JJ's all "8)" and the studio exec is all "KAREN GET IN HERE" (Karen's his assistant, obvs) and she rushes into the office that is surrounded by glass walls and he thrusts the phone at her and huffs, "what does it MEAN?" and Karen goes to get the Jack Daniels because it's ten a.m. and it's already been a long day. Or not, maybe that doesn't happen.



Alyson:  Love this because I've seen some pretty bad kickstarters lately. Back in MY day, people had to fund the things they wanted to do all by themselves! But while we're on the subject, I'd super appreciate it if you all could donate to my kickstarter for my trip to Hawaii this year.
Darius:  Kickstarters went from "oh that's cool" to "this is incredibly awkward" to "how about we compromise and I just physically consume a twenty dollar bill" overnight. 

  
Alyson:  I'm loving Shelby Fero. This is such a great typo joke. It makes me so hapy.
Darius:  Yes, Shelby is fantastic.  I need to get caught up on her stand up.  As far as this tweet, it's very concise.  For some reason I'm very amused by that.



Darius:  *Gives Chase Mitchell a standing ovation* This is how you deliver a Chris Brown burn.
Alyson:  Perfect burn. Chase Mitchell is the man.
Well that's a wrap on January.  Solid month I'd say.  I mean we didn't even hit Jen Statsky, Nikki Glaser or Damian Wayans Jr. this time around.  + Just a heads up,  next time I'll be in Hollywood writing with Alyson so things could get a little outta control (read: some side by side leap frog laptop action.)  Until then, we out!
Darius' twitter