Sunday, March 10, 2013

Reflecting On That Time LeBron Decided He Might Stop Dunking Basketballs For Fun

Maybe you have a life...maybe you concern yourself with real things that affect real people.  I DO NOT.  I refuse to let complicated problems like sequesters and babies with uncured aids kill my vibe.  Feel free to save that for the Avril Lavigne's and Charlize Theron's of the world.  I recently spent 10 days in California literally doing nothing.  It was great.  It gave me a chance to really invest my time, energy, and thought processes in the things that matter least.  Like if it came down to it, could Justin Bieber steal my girlfriend?  I'm not sure.  But I'm very sure that the answer would upset me.  ANYWAY, the closest I came to being stressed out my whole trip was due entirely to this headline.

FEBRUARY 26th, 2013

A man can only take so much.  With one life to live and so many emails left to read I found myself at a crossroads.  What if LeBron stopped dunking basketballs before games?  What if he stopped for no other reason than he just didn't want to anymore? HE JUST DIDN'T WANT TO.  As a six foot tall man that living in a 5 foot 9 Nate Robinson world I can tell you that all I've ever wanted to do is dunk.  As a kid I lowered my basketball hoop to 7 feet just so I could have a *taste* of that above the rim life.  But it's not the same.  I had a neighbor that I'm pretty sure burned down her kitchen trying to cook meth.  She saw me "dunk" once and she didn't say a word.  She just shook her head...

She was right.

I was cheating.

If I ever wanted to dunk a ball I knew I'd have to earn it. And now here's LeBron, a man that's blessed with the ability to dunk since middle school deciding he simply no longer has the desire.

He's tired of doing this:

FEBRUARY 27th, 2013

A day later.  LeBron weighs in.

At first I was angry, but after hearing this statement, I could appreciate his plea to end the insanity.  I'd finally reached the acceptance stage in my grieving.  You have to understand that ESPN had really run with this story.  Every episode of Sportscenter, First Take, Around the Horn, Mike and Mike, and PTI had some form of debate around this singular issue.  Would LeBron stop dunking?  Should LeBron stop dunking?  WHY is LeBron dunking?   There was so much attention given to this story that it was enough to make any sane person think this was a very real issue, with some kind of meaningful outcome.  I mean it moved this guy enough to take matters into his own hands and make a direct plea to Bron.

Which, in fairness to the writer, if I was LeBron reading this I would think two things.

1.  This guy definitely doesn't want me to stop dunking. AND 2.  I look pretty cool when I'm dunking.

FEBRUARY 28th, 2013

The top story on

It's over.

Don't worry about the How to Train Your Dragon tab.  I could have easily cropped that out, but in the interest of transparency I thought you needed to understand what I was going through.  At that time in my mind at least there was a very real possibility that LeBron would no longer be dunking before games.  At that time, I believed the only light at the end of the tunnel was the sequel to How to Train Your Dragon.

But it didn't come to that.

Stand down everyone.  LeBron will continue to dunk before games.  I'm out.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Alyson and Darius' Favorite Tweets of February

I had an interesting conversation with Randiesel earlier this month about Kobe Bryant and Twitter.  I told him that I was having trouble wrapping my mind around how good Kobe is at tweeting.  His response, “I don’t think Kobe does anything he’s not good at.”  Which makes perfect sense.  I mean rap album aside.  Kobe isn’t going to do something if he can’t be the best at it.  He sat back and let the twittersphere blow up, all the while taking a lay of the land.  Then one day, he decided it was time.  My latest favorite of his was a fantastic subliminal tweet directed at Mark Cuban.  

THAT being a 38 point, 1 block, 7 assist, 12 rebound game against Cuban's Mavericks in a 103-99 W.  Notice the traditional "Amnesty" and the all caps "THAT.The exclusion of exclamation points. Why? He’s made his point.  No need to punctuate.  It’s genius.  All of this overlooks perhaps his most brilliant moment in which a single mamba pump fake jettisoned old ass vince carter deep into the nether regions of the rafters.  It makes you wonder what's next.  Well, Kobe’s hinted that he may soon be taking his talents to instagram.   Anyway, this post is about the best tweets of February.  So to cap off my black history month, I went to San Francisco (as one typically does) and then I swung down to LA which means I had the pleasure of getting to actually sit with the always hilarious Alyson and write this post.  I think she kind of put me to shame this month.  But hey, if my being shamed leads to you enjoying this more then I’m all for it.  You know the drill.  Our favorite tweets:   Hollywood / February edition.

Alyson:  This is all too real. There are some jokes that are just glaringly honest about the stupid shit that stupid humans do and this is one of the best.

Darius:  When my battery hits 30% I inexplicably lose any desire to communicate with actual people in the room that I'm actually in.  Lauren Ashley Bishop is a sage!

Alyson:  I think Emily is having a hard time believing she went to a bowling alley to eat. To eat at a bowling alley.

Darius:  Can you imagine someone calling ahead to a bowling alley to eat?  Customer:  "Yes I'd like to make a reservation."  Employee:  "For how many lanes?"  Customer:  "No lanes, just a table...For one please...How long is the wait?...Because I'll wait."

Darius:  Don't worry Chase, Fox has already given "Cat President" a full order provided the Cat is contractually obligated to break into song and must compete in regionals.  

Alyson:  Next step: Martin Sheen as the voice of Cat.

Darius:  Being moved to the point of frustration by the puppy bowl, and then holding on to said frustration until you meet with your therapist is pure brilliance.

Alyson:  This is why I feel like Lauren Ashley Bishop is my spirit animal. Um, hold on guys I just thought to search Puppybowl on youtube for the first time and my brain exploded.

Darius: If you feel compelled to go invisible on Gchat then returning to visible will always end in regret.

Alyson: Swap out Gchat for Skype and we've got a relatable tweet on my end. To be fair, being able to go invisible in the first place is the best thing that ever happened to the internet.

Alyson: A quick wave is fine but once you go even a split second more than that you've brought instant judgement upon yourself.

Darius:  An extended wave (EW) fitting right? is only acceptable in two cases.  When that person is the President of the United States OR never.
Alyson: I can't even with this one, it's so good. Jess Dweck comes through with some pretty solid advice here.

Darius: and whether you're 18 and moved to LA to pursue acting.  

Alyson: These are the same people leaving you voicemails.

Darius: Exactly!  I'm not screening my calls...I'm being a hero.  

Darius: Pitch a show about a new type of current family and cast her boobs as the leads.  Yes, I'll take my emmy now.

Alyson: Reading this tweet in Damon Wayans Junior's voice is one of the most simple and best pleasures in my life right now.
Alyson: ALL THE POINTS go to Alex Watt this time around.

Darius: I assume every Pope's first day on the job involves a more "pope-y" version of the phrase "Aw yeah, I'm the pope.  So now what?.........Swag."

Darius: I really hope it gets to the point where one day we see "cat, cat, lightning bolt, taco, applause" emoji's in art museums all over the world. People will say things like "what a brave choice by the artist to go double cat.  And the way he applauds his own work is truly inspirational."

Alyson: "I really like his use of taco there, it's almost like he's commenting on our country's financial situation. And the applause, oh the applause."

Darius: A small part of me believes that Ne-Yo is so vain he had a hat sewed onto his head. + any pictures you see of him with different hats are the result of some incredibly risky hat transplants.

Alyson: SHOW IDEA: Hat Wars. First episode features Ne-Yo battling against Bruno Mars. WHO CAN GO THE LONGEST WITHOUT TAKING OFF THE HAT!?

Darius:  My heart says Bruno, but my head says Neyo!
Alyson: It's smart, because you can get to the donut shop faster that way. I mean, wait, I meant it makes sense because you can get HOME faster that way. Who goes to a donut shop after a one night stand? Certainly not me. But really, mostly I love this tweet because there's never been a better use of a hashtag.

Darius: I'm very confused.  Is it a victory donut?  A donut of encouragement?  A new beginnings donut? You know what, a wise man once said "A donut is a donut is a donut."  And why not have that donut as soon as possible?  Sprinting approved.
Darius: I don't need gluten to be awesome for you, I need people to think gluten is awesome for you.

Alyson: I could not agree more. Also: carbs. Who do I talk to about this?
Darius: I have not seen the beyonce documentary, but I already know it will be the best thing to happen to not only me, but my children, and my children's children.

Alyson: I'm taking Morgan Murphy's advice on this one and not seeing the documentary. I'm fine liking Beyonce from a distance.

Alyson: Maybe we don't want that new Toy Story movie after all...

Darius:  I think we want it, but it can't be good. Can it?  No Alyson's right we don't want a movie advancing the "it's ok for grown men to play with dolls" agenda.

Darius: I should be cringing, but instead I'm laughing. What an amazing play on words.

Alyson: I don't need any other Oscar Pistorius tweets in my life, because baby, you're the one for me.

Alyson: I'm having an affair with this tweet.

Darius: Stand down Eliza!  I admit, I too had my reservations about the name J-Law, but it works.  T-Mac, D-Wade, works.  

Alyson: *the sound of a lot of sexually frustrated people asking David who is eye doctor is*

Darius:  So many questions...all of which I pray remain unanswered.

Darius: This is kind of what makes Hollywood perfect.

Alyson: I mean, if you count up all their acceptance speeches (critics choice, people's choice, golden globes, etc.) then they've really been thanking people for at least a few hours. Related but also irrelevant: my favorite person of 2013 so far is the guy who chose the Jaws music to play those long winded celebrities off.

So I think we learned 2 things this month.  1.) Me and Alyson can actually publish this before the end of the month.  and 2.)  We are totally in the tank for Lauren Ashley Bishop.  Until next month...We out!

Alyson's twitter + Alyson's blog

Darius' twitter