Now, hang on a second. This is United States Foreign Policy we're talking about. Let's give Dennis Rodman a chance to make his case.
— Ken Tremendous (@KenTremendous) March 3, 2013
Darius: If there was one person who could reason with Kim Jong Un I would think it would be either Dennis Rodman or Mike Tyson. So the question then becomes, who can America most afford to have blown up? Obviously Rodman.
Alyson: I mean, Dennis Rodman's gotta make sure he stays relevant somehow.
When you're in a hotel, every show on TV seems infinitely more interesting.
— Mike DiCenzo (@mikedicenzo) March 4, 2013
Alyson: This is no joke. It's not every day I watch three hours of Too Cute! on Animal Planet.
Darius: I once watched a Disney Channel Original movie about a Dog that started a hotel...in a hotel. Twice. Back to back. Including commercials. I don't want to talk about it.
i replaced all of joseph gordon-levitt's flashlights with chinese lanterns because he knows why
— julia davidovich (@juliadavidovich) March 4, 2013
Alyson: Julia Davidovich's on-going joke about how JGL is chinese is one of my favorite things about the internet. It just never gets old.
Darius: I just pictured this and yes, JGL being chinese is something I'm obsessed with. If you could see the picture in my head you'd know that I'M HORRIBLE.
i heard something about horse meat at taco bell and i guess that means i like horse meat now
— Amber Eeeeeee (@rare_basement) March 5, 2013
Darius: I'm not really sure what that delicious brown paste they put in the tacos is made of, but I'm glad we can finally put the is it "meat™" or meat debate to bed.
Alyson: I mostly like this because it doesn't even matter to me why Taco Bell might be in the news, constantly hearing about Taco Bell makes me want Taco Bell.
thank god they completely sexualized the wicked witch in the new oz movie i was so afraid they weren't going to do that
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) March 6, 2013
Darius: Studio Exec: "I really like what you've done to stay true to the original Wicked Witch, but what if she was...and I'm just spit-balling here...less wicked...and kind of slutty."
Alyson: "I like the way you spit-ball. You don't just put Mila Kunis in your movie for nothing, boys!"
This guy with a Romney bumper sticker next to a confederate flag is on a pretty solid losing streak.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) March 6, 2013
Darius: I feel like that losing streak needs an equally disappointing song for it's montage. Got it, "Hey Porsche" by Nelly.
Alyson: There's nothing I can say to make Darius' comment better. Though I've never been trashy enough to put a bumper sticker on my car so I don't really know how they work- can you, like, not take them off ever? Is that why I still see Romney bumper stickers?
I don't eat crouched over my sink like some sort of monster. I eat hovered over my laptop like a freakin' lady.
— Nina Bargiel (@slackmistress) March 7, 2013
Alyson: What, you're telling me there's a BETTER place to eat this whole sleeve of saltines?
Darius: Is eating over the sink something that needs to be made clear you're not doing? I'm like 39% alarmed by this. p.s. I don't eat Bugles outside while staring through my neighbor's window. I don't.
In "Whistle," when Flo Rida says "Girl, I'm gonna show you how to do it," does that mean he's actually gonna demonstrate a blowjob?
— Mike DiCenzo (@mikedicenzo) March 10, 2013
Darius: Florida is
Alyson: Never quite realized how gay that song is. Feel like the followup to "Whistle" should maybe be "No Homo." That one's for free, Flo Rida!
Some of you have been asking what I thought of JT's performance on SNL. Apologies for the silence - I like to keep my dating life private.
— Sara Schaefer (@saraschaefer1) March 10, 2013
Darius: I completely Identify with this tweet because I am struggling to make my private relationship, with an academy award winning hunger game starring actress, work / be a thing that she is aware of.
Alyson: Keep keepin' on, my friend. One day all your hard work will pay off!
A judge has struck down NYC's ban on large beverages. But I'm still sitting in a bathtub of Mountain Dew clutching a rifle, just in case.
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) March 11, 2013
Darius: You laugh, but one day the last of the Earth's supply of Mountain Dew will be in that tub, and it'll be heavily guarded and semi-polluted by Chase Mitchell.
Alyson: Chase will say "if you want it that bad, come and get it" and one sole man will step out of the crowd, crying, as he reluctantly drinks from the Mountain Dew bathtub. Chase and the man keep eye contact. The shame the man feels is heavy but tough times call for tough measures. Also, hey America, maybe we're banning/concentrating on the wrong things? Just a thought.
My suicide note will just say "Online Comments".
— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) March 14, 2013
Darius: I love this tweet because the most horrible thing you've ever said to anyone, is about 1 billionth as awful as everything you'll find under a State of the Union or Justin Bieber video.
Alyson: Remind me never to let my children internet.
I remember when I read the back of shampoo bottles when I was going to the bathroom. Now I google "back of shampoo bottles" on my iPhone.
— Nick Thune (@nickthune) March 19, 2013
Alyson: Related- googling "back of cereal boxes" while you eat cereal in front of your laptop, from bed, possibly at midnight.
Darius: No no no Nicholas, I can't let this shampoo comment slide. You have to make a concerted effort to get to the shampoo bottles. Why you all up in the shower before you do your business? Is that your thing? If I let you use my bathroom am I also consenting to let you explore my shower? Are you going in shoes on bein' all disrespectful and whatnot? There are too many questions Nick. Consider yourself banned from my bathroom.
I just tried to put an emoticon in parentheses and then everything got so confusing. I hate doing my taxes.
— Adam Juskewitch (@juskewitch) March 21, 2013
Alyson: Classic twist ending, I'll say. I think Adam may expect an auditor in his future and that auditor's name is grumpy cat, probs. I don't know, I think the internet works that way.
Darius: I'm loving the twist. It makes sense though, do you subtract the winky face from line 13a or 13c, and can you claim that cool banana in sunglasses emoji as a dependent?
The only joy I get from March Madness is occasionally Tweeting "Bracket. Still. Perfect" to screw with people.
— Papa's Basement (@papasbasement) March 22, 2013
Alyson: Nobody remember this tweet next year because I am so doing it, and I want you all to think I am either hilarious or the biggest dick ever.
Darius: Do it! I'll wait until after the first round and then pick all the teams that lose + share it on every social media platform. Then it'll go viral and I'll get invited to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon as bad bracket guy, and we'll be best friends. + Don't let my degree of specificity throw you, I haven't even thought about this at all really.
my boyfriend doesn't think we're watching labyrinth tonight. well guess what we are, because prank city! i'm the fun enforcer
— julia davidovich (@juliadavidovich) March 24, 2013
Alyson: Everything about this tweet gets at my heart. Prank city! Fun enforcer! Also, how fun is it to add city to the end of words? This is one of those things that I freaking love to do but I should also probably just keep it to myself. Anyways. Now I want to date Julia.
Darius: Thinking of nicknaming myself D-City! Already having the time of my life!
Or, instead of going to the bathroom because I have to go to the bathroom, I could just sit here 10 feet away from the bathroom & internet.
— katey healywu (@khealywu) March 25, 2013
Alyson: This is me all day every day. This is me right now. This was me thirty minutes ago.
Darius: *This* is the human experience summed up in one tweet. Bravo, Katey.
Considering getting super obsessed with fancy water.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) March 25, 2013
Alyson: I really love Kendra's commitment to the things she's into. She's gotta mull over an obsession, see how it feels. And guys, there's no one more fun than the guy who has a preference on the water he drinks.
Darius: I wanna set up guy who has a preference on the water he drinks with girl who wears makeup to the gym. They deserve each other.
"Gay marriage threatens the institution of marriage. Oh, don't forget to DVR The Bachelor." - 51% of America
— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) March 27, 2013
Darius: What a wonderful observation. Uuugghhh Damien's *BRILLIANCE* UPSETS ME!
Alyson: This is so good and terrifyingly accurate.
i've never been ambushed in the mojave desert or anything but one time somebody facebook chatted me
— Cara (@C_Devs) March 26, 2013
Alyson: Seems about right to me.
Darius: Couldn't agree more. I imagine there's no greater high for an Ambusher than when "Seen" pops up under his message. "Seen" messages are the new spoils of victory. So keep up the good work Zuck!
I thought I knew true sadness until my friend just showed up at my house carrying an unpopped single-serving bag of microwave popcorn.
— Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) March 28, 2013
Darius: I keep trying to think of what could make this sadder, but I've got nothing. Actually, what if she showed up with a bootleg VHS copy of "He's Just Not That Into You," and a VCR to play it on?
Alyson: And here I was thinking I knew true sadness last night after the pizza delivery guy recognized me from a few nights before. But I'm going to go with my gut on this one and say the single-serving popcorn is worse. At least I'm not THAT guy.
I love writing these with Alyson + I love when people tell me they enjoy it, so 1. thank you for reading! We really appreciate it. and 2. leave a comment, and be sure to follow Alyson's Association during BEDA. Until next time...