Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Alyson and Darius' Favorite Tweets of March

I'm not one of those people that always knows the right thing to say immediately following a tragedy.  I just feel an incredible amount of sadness for everyone that has loved ones affected by this horrific attack.  So maybe say a prayer for Boston if that's your thing.  I don't have a good segue so we'll just have to get to some tweets after the break.

We'll it is that time of the month again!  Now that you've filed your taxes, we can all sit back and have a good laugh at the expense of Wesley Snipes for thinking he could outsmart the IRS.
Anyway, while me and Alyson didn't get to hang out on the beach, or write in LA, we still managed to comb through the tweets that made us laugh the most in month of March.  Hopefully you enjoy them as much as we did.  Let's get to it.  

Darius:  If there was one person who could reason with Kim Jong Un I would think it would be either Dennis Rodman or Mike Tyson.  So the question then becomes, who can America most afford to have blown up?  Obviously Rodman.

Alyson:  I mean, Dennis Rodman's gotta make sure he stays relevant somehow.

Alyson:  This is no joke. It's not every day I watch three hours of Too Cute! on Animal Planet.

Darius:  I once watched a Disney Channel Original movie about a Dog that started a hotel...in a hotel.  Twice.  Back to back.  Including commercials.  I don't want to talk about it.

Alyson:  Julia Davidovich's on-going joke about how JGL is chinese is one of my favorite things about the internet. It just never gets old.

Darius:  I just pictured this and yes, JGL being chinese is something I'm obsessed with.  If you could see the picture in my head you'd know that I'M HORRIBLE.

Darius:  I'm not really sure what that delicious brown paste they put in the tacos is made of, but I'm glad we can finally put the is it "meat™" or meat debate to bed.

Alyson:  I mostly like this because it doesn't even matter to me why Taco Bell might be in the news, constantly hearing about Taco Bell makes me want Taco Bell.

Darius:  Studio Exec: "I really like what you've done to stay true to the original Wicked Witch, but what if she was...and I'm just spit-balling here...less wicked...and kind of slutty."

Alyson:  "I like the way you spit-ball. You don't just put Mila Kunis in your movie for nothing, boys!"

Darius:  I feel like that losing streak needs an equally disappointing song for it's montage.  Got it, "Hey Porsche" by Nelly.

Alyson:  There's nothing I can say to make Darius' comment better. Though I've never been trashy enough to put a bumper sticker on my car so I don't really know how they work- can you, like, not take them off ever? Is that why I still see Romney bumper stickers?

Alyson:  What, you're telling me there's a BETTER place to eat this whole sleeve of saltines?

Darius:  Is eating over the sink something that needs to be made clear you're not doing?  I'm like 39% alarmed by this.  p.s. I don't eat Bugles outside while staring through my neighbor's window.  I don't.

Darius:  Florida is arguably the worst rapper alive.  I would love for him to answer this question in another song, but I'd probably ignore everything he said until "HEY I HEARD YOU WERE A WILD ONE oooOOOOoooOOOOhhh"

Alyson:  Never quite realized how gay that song is. Feel like the followup to "Whistle" should maybe be "No Homo." That one's for free, Flo Rida!

Darius:  I completely Identify with this tweet because I am struggling to make my private relationship, with an academy award winning hunger game starring actress, work / be a thing that she is aware of.

Alyson:  Keep keepin' on, my friend. One day all your hard work will pay off!

Darius:  You laugh, but one day the last of the Earth's supply of Mountain Dew will be in that tub, and it'll be heavily guarded and semi-polluted by Chase Mitchell.

Alyson:  Chase will say "if you want it that bad, come and get it" and one sole man will step out of the crowd, crying, as he reluctantly drinks from the Mountain Dew bathtub. Chase and the man keep eye contact. The shame the man feels is heavy but tough times call for tough measures. Also, hey America, maybe we're banning/concentrating on the wrong things? Just a thought.

Darius:  I love this tweet because the most horrible thing you've ever said to anyone, is about 1 billionth as awful as everything you'll find under a State of the Union or Justin Bieber video.

Alyson:  Remind me never to let my children internet.

Alyson:  Related- googling "back of cereal boxes" while you eat cereal in front of your laptop, from bed, possibly at midnight.

Darius:  No no no Nicholas, I can't let this shampoo comment slide.  You have to make a concerted effort to get to the shampoo bottles.  Why you all up in the shower before you do your business?  Is that your thing?  If I let you use my bathroom am I also consenting to let you explore my shower?  Are you going in shoes on bein' all disrespectful and whatnot? There are too many questions Nick.  Consider yourself banned from my bathroom.

Alyson:  Classic twist ending, I'll say. I think Adam may expect an auditor in his future and that auditor's name is grumpy cat, probs. I don't know, I think the internet works that way.

Darius:  I'm loving the twist.  It makes sense though, do you subtract the winky face from line 13a or 13c, and can you claim that cool banana in sunglasses emoji as a dependent?

Alyson:  Nobody remember this tweet next year because I am so doing it, and I want you all to think I am either hilarious or the biggest dick ever.

Darius:  Do it!  I'll wait until after the first round and then pick all the teams that lose + share it on every social media platform.  Then it'll go viral and I'll get invited to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon as bad bracket guy, and we'll be best friends. + Don't let my degree of specificity throw you, I haven't even thought about this at all really.

Alyson:  Everything about this tweet gets at my heart. Prank city! Fun enforcer! Also, how fun is it to add city to the end of words? This is one of those things that I freaking love to do but I should also probably just keep it to myself. Anyways. Now I want to date Julia.

Darius:  Thinking of nicknaming myself D-City!  Already having the time of my life!

Alyson:  This is me all day every day. This is me right now. This was me thirty minutes ago.

Darius:  *This* is the human experience summed up in one tweet. Bravo, Katey.

Alyson:  I really love Kendra's commitment to the things she's into. She's gotta mull over an obsession, see how it feels. And guys, there's no one more fun than the guy who has a preference on the water he drinks.

Darius:  I wanna set up guy who has a preference on the water he drinks with girl who wears makeup to the gym.  They deserve each other.

Darius:  What a wonderful observation.  Uuugghhh Damien's *BRILLIANCE* UPSETS ME!

Alyson:  This is so good and terrifyingly accurate. 

Alyson:  Seems about right to me.

Darius:  Couldn't agree more.   I imagine there's no greater high for an Ambusher than when "Seen" pops up under his message.  "Seen" messages are the new spoils of victory.  So keep up the good work Zuck!

Darius:  I keep trying to think of what could make this sadder, but I've got nothing.  Actually, what if she showed up with a bootleg VHS copy of "He's Just Not That Into You," and a VCR to play it on?

Alyson:  And here I was thinking I knew true sadness last night after the pizza delivery guy recognized me from a few nights before. But I'm going to go with my gut on this one and say the single-serving popcorn is worse. At least I'm not THAT guy.

I love writing these with Alyson + I love when people tell me they enjoy it, so 1. thank you for reading!  We really appreciate it. and 2. leave a comment, and be sure to follow Alyson's Association during BEDA.  Until next time...

Alyson's twitter.

Darius' twitter.

1 comment:

  1. These are awesome. Thank you for bringing them into my life. Will be not only digging through past installments, but waiting for future ones.

    Also, good point on Rodman. We need Tyson for his acting prowess if nothing else.