Thursday, June 20, 2013

Game 7 Burning Questions

The big game is tonight.  Heat vs. Spurs in game 7 of the 2013 NBA Finals.  I've got some questions.  

How many minutes will LeBron’s headband see?
Set the over / under at 25 minutes.

Whose game will it be?
LeBron fingerprint game, D-Wade wake up game, Manu Wake-up game, bench blow up game, Tim Duncan Legacy game?  I’m not sure.  I’m guessing the rare LeBron *takeover*  game (38-8-5) coupled with a big heat three.  Whether it’s Mike “I may look like a racist, but I’m not” Miller, 2k13 Ray Allen, or Chalmers.  It sure ain’t gonna be Bosh.  He'll be happy as long as he can do this:

What N the Hell Chris? SMH...

Will the Birdman soar?
Best nickname to talent ratio in the entirety of team sports.

Taking a break from the rigors of the "birdbox." *The birdbox is his "office." It's basically just any area a foot or less from the basket.
If Spoelstra wins two titles is he a good coach?
Or the more troubling question:  Are you prepared to live in a world where Udonis Haslem has three rings?

Does Danny Green matter ever again in life after game 7?

You're right that was a stupid question.

Did Juwan Howard sleep at all last night?
This will be by far his most pressure packed night of standing, clapping, high fiving, towel waving etc.

This gotta be photoshop right?
How obnoxious will my tweets and fb posts be if LeBron wins “not one”?

How obnoxious will the tweets and fb posts of LeBron haters be if he loses “not one”?

Equally obnoxious, choose your side.  Enjoy the game.  I'm out.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Will Ferrell & Jimmy Fallon Get Intense

I forgot to post this a while back, but I was sifting through my drafts and I thought you might still enjoy it.  Jimmy likes to do bits/ games with his guests and this time he teamed up with Will Ferrell to put a more "intense" spin on the traditional late night interview.  It's only two minutes and you'll be happy you watched.  Later.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Alyson and Darius' Favorite Tweets of April and May

We're back!  Yes, it's finally that time of the month where Alyson and I diligently comb through the twittersphere to bring you some of the gems that made us laugh.  Well I don't have that much to say so I guess we'll just jump right in.  You know how this works right?  Of course you do.  Let's get to it.

Alyson:  It seems so obvious now. I don't hear Gold Digger on the radio much but I'm hoping and optimistically assuming Kanye did, in fact, get in touch at his earliest.

Darius:  Sure Yeezy's new album is named "Yeezus" + includes a track titled "I AM A GOD," but I think he'd be pretty chill about suggestions and listening to the ideas of others.

Alyson:  My imagination is running wild at the thought of an Ally Mcbeal tattoo. Is it the dancing baby? It has to be, doesn't it? That, or maybe a gavel with the Ally Mcbeal logo around it in a really artistic way. Or maybe Calista Flockhart, Lucy Liu and Portia de Rossi's smiling faces somewhere on his back. The possibilities are so great. I don't have any plans to get a tattoo but if I did...

Darius: would tell me, so I could go to the nearest tattoo parlor and get a matching one of the dancing baby.  You're gonna get the dancing baby, trust me.

Darius:  I especially love it when the person is in a full body cast (yes I'm horrible), because kudos to them for having the vanity to instagram their misfortune, but the self-control to abstain from commenting whilst in the ER.

Alyson:  Ah yes, the classic full-body-cast selfie. What would be really cool is if after about a day of not saying anything, they deleted their account. Can you imagine the texts they'd get? 

Darius:  If you think you want a life size cardboard cutout of jen in this pose more than I do you're wrong.

Alyson:  Oh my god, please get a life size cardboard cutout of this because then it'd be, like, in your living room or something and I could take selfies with it and be like "just hangin out with Jen!" and I could try to out-awkward her.

Alyson:  My favorite person on twitter changes with whoever is consistently killing it at the time, and right now it's Shelby Fero. Folks, she's got some great tweets and I find myself pretty much just favoriting them all and spending all my downtime on her favstar page. The wording of this one gets me. "Gentle but firm on the mouth." I can't even deal.

Darius:  I am completely in the tank for Shelby, and as a potential recipient of this treatment, I must say that I am quite intrigued by this ratio of gentleness to firmness.


Darius:  Kyle brings up an interesting / sad point about a man whose fame is 98% butter-substitute based:  I don't care about anything Fabio says on his deathbed that's unrelated to much he knew...and exactly when he knew it.

Alyson:  This is SO TRUE. The only way he'd be relevant on his death bed is if he was talking about butter. It's kind of breaking my heart. Eh, whatever, the man has more money than me because of butter.

Darius:  I love the idea of Lauren: A.)  Examining Gary's package, then B.)  (I'm guessing) putting it through some type of flow chart to determine whether Gary's package is indeed suspicious or not.

Alyson:  Whoa okay but yeah, is she watching Gary through a window? Like Gary's at home on a Thursday night watching something on the TV (we'll never know what because his TV faces away from Lauren's window) and the moment things get suspicious she's using one hand to call 911 while the other hand continues to hold the blinds apart so she can keep watching? What's going on here?

Alyson:  If I had a list of tweets with the funniest wordings, this one would be so high on that list. I might actually make that list, it could be good. I read this tweet in my head and find myself laughing out loud every time, no matter where I am. I'm laughing right now, laughing to this in my office. Maybe spiders think in spanish. Who knows, certainly not you or me.
Darius:  I love that Julianne brought festooned back.  Welcome back festooned!  Also love the idea of spanish speaking hipster spiders being like," ugghhh, everyone goes to that mouth now..."  

Darius:  Trying to dissuade me from loving Beyonce with moral arguments and fact-based reasoning is ultimately as fruitless as trying to convince Michael Douglas that that's not how cancer works.
Alyson:  People are going to love Beyonce and there's just nothing anyone can do about it. It's kind of like how people are going to love Kanye and there's nothing Kanye can do that's going to change it, no matter how many times he calls himself God.

Alyson:  I die inside every time I read or think about this tweet because it's so good and I'll never be able to come up with it because Zach Broussard beat me to it. It's so simple yet clever and hilarious. Also, can't stop thinking about the kids he left alone at the pool. 

Darius:   I can't say enough about tweets that are clever and concise.  It's an art.  Art about taking a dump, but still art.

Darius:  Any sentence directed to a group of strangers that starts with "does it smell like" is unequivocally destined for greatness.   Also worth mentioning, is the fact that he took out his earbuds which all but confirms that the question is not rhetorical in nature. 
Alyson:  Darius, your response to this has totally made my day. The man's question is completely NOT rhetorical! He needs an answer people, he doesn't want to be the only one smelling fish!

Darius:  There are like literally dozens of other not-murdery-at-all reasons! *chuckles nervously, backs away slowly*

Alyson:  Maybe the thing to do in this situation is accept that people are assuming the blood is from shaving. When else are you going to get people assuming that blood is from shaving? I say take it and run with it, man.

Alyson:  I wish all important conversations could go down this way because it would make everything way more enjoyable. My question is this: if this happens to you, do you focus more on the fact that you were adopted or do you worry more about the quality of a film based on adoption? And, like, who's going to be playing you?
Darius:  Great questions.  You should worry in this order:  1.  Who will play you? A: Daniel Day Lewis or at least anybody but Seth Rogen  2.  You were adopted?  A:  It's upsetting, but try not to burn too many calories on this one.   3.  Will it be any good?  A:  This is the one it's ok to bake and eat an entire cake alone for.  This could end up being the Descendants or The Last Airbender.

Darius:  Honestly, at this point, I don't even need an explanation.  Donald, please be advised. 
Alyson:  I am laughing so much at this tweet and the fact that you need no explanation. I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.

Darius:  He could have snapped after watching a 6 hour Katherine Heigl movie marathon, my point is, we don't know.
Alyson:  Wow, school's Lost and Founds are getting way out of hand these days.

Darius:  I wonder if she tweeted this while she was at brunch with her mom.  That's excellent.
Alyson:  I certainly hope so. Also, this is a terrible deal for restaurants, no one do this. There's a place down the road offering bottomless mimosas. Go there.

Alyson:  Is there anyone better at the topical jokes than Damien Fahey right now? Whenever a good news story hits he's the first and funniest to tweet a joke. I guess we have to give people some reason to live in Minnesota. And the possibility of fun, gay neighbors should definitely make it more appealing to live in Delaware all the way around.

Darius:  Delaware is the Jack Reacher of states.  I have a feeling that state would find a way to make fun gay neighbors be 0 fun.

Alyson: This tweet is one hundred perfect free of errors.

Darius:  There's nothing I can do short of retiring from twitter that would show this tweet the type of respect it deserves.

Alyson:  Not particularly one of the funniest jokes in May but I had to include it because of the recent uproar over joke stealing that is going on with a certain popular joke thief. And the idea of a guy accusing some picture he's probably looking at on facebook of plagiarism is downright hilarious. Pictures can't talk, people!

Darius:   Would the reverse hold up?  If Edvard Munch had a twitter I imagine he'd be pretty upset if tweeted "Wavy looking person yells at top of lungs on a bridge" like it was my idea.

Alyson:  I'm struck by how incredibly perfect and hilarious this tweet is and also by the inclusion of "most" sandwiches. What sandwiches aren't as good as sex? Just tried to come up with a small list of sandwiches that might not be as good and couldn't even come up with one. That's how good sandwiches are, because I can definitely come up with the same list as it applies to sex without even having to try.

Darius:   I saw a girl eat a nasty lookin olive sandwich once, just bread, olives and nasty, but I still think eating that sandwich would be a lot more relaxing, and ultimately more rewarding than sex.

Another solid month in the books I'd say.  Shout out to Alyson for putting the team on her back and getting this post out before 2 months had gone by.  By the way, if you're as addicted to keeping up with the latest pop culture news as soon as it breaks you should check out Alyson's daily headline feature on Box Office Buz.  It's good stuff.  See ya soon!  We out.