Saturday, July 27, 2013

July 27th, 2012 - The Day I Realized I Was Too Fat

About a year ago a girl broke up with me.  It was pretty rough, because I was pretty sure I was going to marry this girl.  She seemed perfect.  She was was smart, laughed at my jokes, was gorgeous and played along with all my bits.  Then one day I asked her to dinner and she she said she couldn't because she was going to dinner with this other guy. UMM, NO...No you're not.  We're dating.  To which she then assured me we weren't 0_o and that we were just friends + she didn't see it going anywhere else.  I won't really get into details, because I wrote another really butthurt bitter post which I later deleted.  Point being.  I came to a realization that night.

I always knew I was funny.  That was always my crutch.  That was my go to move, my Dirk one-leg-up jumper, my LL Cool J lip licking, my Taylor Swift breakup anthem writing.  At the very least, people would hang around me because they wanted to laugh.  Outside of that, I never really felt like I had that much to offer.

Especially not to girls.  Fortunately, I was smart enough to play to my strengths, but the way I looked just started to become too much to overlook.

I think what made it so difficult is that food was kind of always there for me.  Food was my best friend, my confidant, and my rock.  My parents don't understand that my first love isn't working for some company for 50 years and then retiring.  In my heart I feel like I have so much to offer the world and maybe 3% of that is making planes at Boeing.  I want to work with Tina Fey.  I want to write, I want to make people laugh.  I want to inform. Believe me when I say that I need to spend time working as a sports reporter and a news anchor before I die.  I want to be in front of people and changing the world.

But looking back I think I mostly wanted (want?) to be accepted.  Food always accepted me.

As I get older, I look around and everybody is pairing off. You know in high school when you have to find a partner for a project and everyone kind of already knows who they want to work with? So you ask this girl and fuck, she's already working with Steve, so you wait for the class to pair up and see who doesn't have a partner...It's a very disheartening process and it's happening right now. People are getting engaged, having babies,  and highjacking holidays on facebook with their announcements; sometimes its just too much.

Remember in college when all of your friends are five minutes away and you can always pop in?  Well it's the exact opposite of that now.  I feel like there was this mass exodus and I'm right at the center of it.  My closest friends live at least 1500 miles away.  My friends here are pretty much all in serious relationships and living these incredibly domestic lifestyles. Meanwhile, I'm alone, at home, with food.

Have a bad day, go to jack in the box at 2 AM and that'll fix it (800 calories).  No one wants to hang?  Maybe go catch a movie by yourself and swing by burger king after (1000 calories).

So fast forward to when I finally find a girl I could see myself marrying, (ok) that's in St. Louis (OKAY!), that apparently enjoys my company (LET'S GO!), but just wants to be friends.  That was the last straw.  I felt broken and discarded and I knew I never wanted to feel that way again.

July 27th, 2012

As bitter as I was, it's what I needed to get me to July 27th.  That's the day I finally worked up the courage to step on a scale.  I knew I was big, I knew I was overweight, but I was thinking I was somewhere in the range of 240-260.  That's pretty much where I've always been since adulthood.  So I hopped on the scale.  I looked down and all I felt was devastation, in it's its purest, most concentrated form. 

I was 290 pounds.  I was 26 years old.

I was more scared than ashamed.  More alarmed than upset.  I felt like I couldn't breath.  I think I was having a panic attack; I didn't want to be 300 pounds.  300 pounds AND alone forever.  The more I think about it, I'm not so sure I wanted to marry that girl.  I think I just wanted to NOT be alone forever.  Anyway, I have so many dreams and desires and I still want to host SNL.  I thought, how am I going to do that looking like this? 

Here's the thing about losing weight.  It sucks, and it takes a really long time.  I get why it's something a lot of people want to do, but struggle to stay dedicated to.  It reminds me of a video that Randy sent me a while back which basically illustrated the idea of just "wanting something so badly that you're consumed by it."  You want it to the point where that's it.  That's all you want.  There's nothing else you want more.  And that's where I was with losing weight

So I started by reducing my calories consumed.  I googled just how many calories I needed to get by.  It looked like 800.  Sounded good to me.  (I came to find out much later that I was putting an incredible strain on my body and men should never consumer less than 1500 calories a day)  I guess I should take a step back and show you what I was eating.


2 Sausage Biscuits (830 calories)

1 Hashbrown (215 calories)

2 cups of OJ (240 calories)


Cheeseburger (450 calories)

Fries (450 calories)

Soda/ Juice (200 calories)


2 Chicken Sandwiches (800 calories)

Fries (400 calories)

Powerade (180 calories)


Pre-sleep snack! (yes, definitely going to need something to get me through this vigorous sleeping I'm about to partake in)

Donut (300 calories)

Glass of Milk (100 calories)

That's over 4,000 calories a day fam.  That's mad unsustainable.

Sidebar: Crazy thing is, it's not a lot of food, (ok the donut is taking a bit far) but it's cheap and calorically rich.  It helps explain how people can live in poverty and also be overweight. End Sidebar.

It was tough, because on my new diet, I was HUNGRY.  Like I imagine I was dealing with the same kind of impulses that Justin Beiber has when he sees there's a perfectly piss free bucket in a restaurant.  Regardless, I ditched the fast food and snacks cold turkey, (now eat a lot of grilled chicken.)  I actually started working out, (3-4 times a week)  and then the pounds started to shed.  I'll never forget about three weeks after dieting I was down to 278.  That was pretty much my proudest day.  I knew I was on the right track.  Sure no one could tell, but I mean, who can blame them? Fat is fat.  But I knew.  I knew that if I kept it up and stayed focused and wanted it more than anything else I could turn my life around.

July 27th, 2013 

As of this morning I'm at 196.  I'm hoping to lose about 13 more pounds, but that's it.  I'm not meant to be a super skinny guy.  I just want to be healthy. The past year has been really hard, but I want to thank my friends for being incredibly supportive.  I love you guys.  All the comments and encouragement have meant the world to me.
 I'm back.