Friday, May 1, 2015

Please Explain to Me How Manny Pacquiao Will Survive This Fight

I want Manny to win.  And for his sake, I wish this fight wasn't happening.

In a perfect world boxing would suspend Mayweather for his numerous domestic battery transgressions, but as it turns out, people don't care that man who gets paid to beat up people...beats up people.  So since Vegas knows its not bad for business, he remains unpunished.
 


UNLESS Manny can put a 1 to the right of that 47. this is unlikely...  

Here's the problem:  I can't say with any amount of confidence that Manny will literally survive the fight.

Boxing is a brutal sport and Money May is its final boss + King Joffrey all rolled into one.


So the question isn't will Manny win.  He won't. The question is will Floyd rip his head off.  Let's examine the evidence.



Floyd  says things like "Nobody can beat me.  There is no way to beat me."
  
Manny says things like “I am not only working for myself, but I work to help other people and to be an inspiration.

 Chance of Survival: He'll get his ass whooped but he'll survive.

 
Manny waves to his fans.

Floyd waves to...no one.  

Seriously google floyd mayweather waving and you'll get nothing.
Chance of survival:  Honestly if I'm just going on these two pics its like 30/70 he survives.  But the degree of ass-whooptitude jumps up about 300%.

Manny has a secret soup that he eats. 



Floyd bathes in liquid nitrogen like a goddamn supervillain. 


goodbye Manny :(

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Courtney Stodden has a sex tape...

*"Courtney" is a way of life. A mentality.
...because all Courtneys* gonna Courtney.

Now if you're a normal well adjusted human being you probably said "who?"  upon reading the headline.  And for that I say bravo.  But if you're like me, you realize that Courtney Stodden...the chick that married the dude from Lost and everyone freaked out because he was 51 and she was 16...is an American hero.  You see this is the kind of heartwarming sextape that has the potential to bridge any divide.  We need this.  So thank your Courtney, your work and your journey will not go unrecognized for as long as I draw breath.

I think things with her off again on again husband are currently on but I'm still wondering who this sex tape is with.  Honestly it doesn't matter.  Courtney Stodden has a sex tape people.  So do your part!  Spread the good word!  Maybe send out a tweet or something.  It's only fair that we stop ignoring her for a few hours.

Update:  Turns out...it's by herself...because...OF COURSE IT IS. Ugh...

Leave it to Courtney Stodden to shit the bed running the tried and true release-a-sex-tape-to-regain-relevance playbook.  My goodness.  I hope this goes straight to porntube. 

Well needless to say I want no part of this "sex" tape but I'm glad it exists.  Plus it probably expedites the timetable for our inevitable march towards a Speidi adult flick.  But as far as this garbage, welp, clears throat "different strokes for different folks."

Sunday, April 26, 2015

LeBron James' New Mask Brings Out the Best In Michael Beasley

Editors note:  I may be MIA, but I write things all the time, I just seldom finish and post them.  That's been bugging me.  So for the next few week I'll be cranking out a bunch of posts to get the juices flowing or whatever it is we do around here.  So let's do it.

Meet Michael Beasley.

Michael Beasley is the best.  Not at like...basketball, his profession...the thing he should be good at.  No, Michael Beasley is just the best at being Michael Beasley and honestly that's enough for me.


Just to get you caught up.  Last season LeBron James broke his nose and needed to wear a mask for a few games.
 

I got this from an ESPN article.  You can find the full text here.

The mask left teammates searching for creative ways to describe what they saw.


"I think he played like Batman out there," center Chris Bosh said. "I think it really helped him out. He played great."

Bosh was then interrupted in the middle of his session with reporters by forward Michael Beasley, whose locker is a few spots away.

"How you know what Batman plays like?" he shouted toward Bosh. "How does he play?"


YES!  Leave it to Michael Beasley to #WellActually Chris Bosh.  To be clear, Michael Beasley should NEVER, EVER, be the voice of reason, but on February 27th, 2014 that was the case.  Unfortunately, we never got  answers to Beasley's questions as just one day later the NBA asked LeBron to wear a clear mask.  Why?  Because obviously he was the hero gotham deserved...but not the one it needed...

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Super Bowl Party People That Suck

Best Patriots Player and All-American Smugfest Tom Brady
The Super Bowl is today so obviously this is a very stressful time for me.  I don't know how, but every year I find myself in a very me against the world situation wherein one team must lose in order for me to go on about my other 364 days of the year unburdened.  You see, the patriots are arrogant (see pic), self-righteous (see pic), douche bags (see pic) and I don't want to give them the satisfaction of being able to gloat post deflategate.  And trust me, WE WILL NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT IF THEY WIN THIS GAME (look at that hat, he's lost his last 2 superbowls and yet...that hat).  That right there should be enough to unite us all under the Seahawk's banner for one game.  ANYWAY, that is not the point of this post.  The point is this:  Somewhere in the last 10 years it became too stressful for me to watch the Super Bowl with other people.

So I'm doing it guys....I'm retiring from Super Bowl parties.  The harsh reality is that super bowls give people licenses to be assholes.  I wanna enjoy the game, not navigate a sea of faux pas and unwritten rules. The more I think about it maybe assholes is a strong word, but it certainly brings out a class of people that I don't care for.  So look out for/ try not to be these people today.

The "I'm just here for the commercials so ShhHHHhHH!!!" person

You can realistically shush in two places without consequence.  The movie theater, and an elementary school.  That's it.  Although people have been turning up in movie theaters lately, so maybe play that one by ear.  Honestly it's not a good business decision to shush people you don't know.  I'm pretty sure "Shhhh" has been at least one person's last words ...Anyway that's why when people shush you they almost immediately apologize afterwards.  In all seriousness, if football isn't you're thing, that's fine.  But don't shit up the mood so you can watch commercials.  You can do that literally do that all fucking year.


The "Any cheer for your team directly attacks me" person



This one really doesn't make any sense.  You're not on the team payroll.  No one in the organization knows you exist.  No one on the team is gonna stick up for you...EVER.  So it's not personal.  You want your team to win, and so do they.  No tears Tom.  Woo-sah...  





The "I'VE ALREADY SEEN THIS COMMERCIAL UGHHH" person

Yes we're back to commercials, and honestly, that's a big reason why super bowl parties suck.  If I'm watching, its not for the commercials, its for the game, so when someone watches the commercials beforehand, then complains that they're the same commercials they watched days earlier, its like then why did you come!? Stay home and complain to bae.  Or don't watch the commercials before.  Or watch the commercials before and shut the hell up.  I don't care!

I swear I'm not a crazy or mean person.  I promise guys.  Let me know if you run into any of these people tomorrow or nah.  Enjoy the game.  Go hawks!

Friday, January 30, 2015

DeMarcus Cousins Laughs Best Via Instagram


As of this posting, DeMarcus is still a free man.  So I guess....

We did it!

You don’t typically associate patience and poise with DeMarcus Cousins,

Still never lost site of January 30th, 2015.
but everyone has to start somewhere.  Apparently that start was five years ago.  Consider that a man named "Boogie" waited 1,826 days for this. moment.  As Randiesel said this morning, “THIS IS WHY I LOVE THE NBA. This reason. nothing to do with the game, but this.”  I couldn’t agree more.  But in fairness to Clay, there’s still an hour or so left…