Sunday, February 1, 2015

Super Bowl Party People That Suck

Best Patriots Player and All-American Smugfest Tom Brady
The Super Bowl is today so obviously this is a very stressful time for me.  I don't know how, but every year I find myself in a very me against the world situation wherein one team must lose in order for me to go on about my other 364 days of the year unburdened.  You see, the patriots are arrogant (see pic), self-righteous (see pic), douche bags (see pic) and I don't want to give them the satisfaction of being able to gloat post deflategate.  And trust me, WE WILL NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT IF THEY WIN THIS GAME (look at that hat, he's lost his last 2 superbowls and yet...that hat).  That right there should be enough to unite us all under the Seahawk's banner for one game.  ANYWAY, that is not the point of this post.  The point is this:  Somewhere in the last 10 years it became too stressful for me to watch the Super Bowl with other people.

So I'm doing it guys....I'm retiring from Super Bowl parties.  The harsh reality is that super bowls give people licenses to be assholes.  I wanna enjoy the game, not navigate a sea of faux pas and unwritten rules. The more I think about it maybe assholes is a strong word, but it certainly brings out a class of people that I don't care for.  So look out for/ try not to be these people today.

The "I'm just here for the commercials so ShhHHHhHH!!!" person

You can realistically shush in two places without consequence.  The movie theater, and an elementary school.  That's it.  Although people have been turning up in movie theaters lately, so maybe play that one by ear.  Honestly it's not a good business decision to shush people you don't know.  I'm pretty sure "Shhhh" has been at least one person's last words ...Anyway that's why when people shush you they almost immediately apologize afterwards.  In all seriousness, if football isn't you're thing, that's fine.  But don't shit up the mood so you can watch commercials.  You can do that literally do that all fucking year.


The "Any cheer for your team directly attacks me" person



This one really doesn't make any sense.  You're not on the team payroll.  No one in the organization knows you exist.  No one on the team is gonna stick up for you...EVER.  So it's not personal.  You want your team to win, and so do they.  No tears Tom.  Woo-sah...  





The "I'VE ALREADY SEEN THIS COMMERCIAL UGHHH" person

Yes we're back to commercials, and honestly, that's a big reason why super bowl parties suck.  If I'm watching, its not for the commercials, its for the game, so when someone watches the commercials beforehand, then complains that they're the same commercials they watched days earlier, its like then why did you come!? Stay home and complain to bae.  Or don't watch the commercials before.  Or watch the commercials before and shut the hell up.  I don't care!

I swear I'm not a crazy or mean person.  I promise guys.  Let me know if you run into any of these people tomorrow or nah.  Enjoy the game.  Go hawks!